I haven't read every single post here, but want to add my 2 cents. I think you are making a huge mistake to become involved with a JW who has not left the religion and who is still involved in it. You may be madly in love, but what happens when that fades after you have been with this person for a while and end up having kids? I was disfellowshipped and after having a baby, tried going back to the JW religion because I was overwhelmed with guilt and worry that my child would die at Armageddon. This woman has never had a child, so you can't really know what to expect from her behavior after she has a baby-- she may go running back to the religion for the child's sake.
Involved with a JW woman
by jonza 130 Replies latest social relationships
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jonza
Update: Since she conceided about the kids issue she has calmed down somewhat. Though a week or so passed and I was still trying to talk to her about religion and she was constantly in shut down mode.. I lost my cool and started ranting about how she's so blind and doesn't see any of it and all the things I've showed her and even what she's admited it doesn't change her view or mind at all..... Anyway at this point, she could see my total frustration and she said: "I have a confession to make".... I quickly calmed down and she started to open up properly for the first time ever about all this!!!
She started telling me about how she's being paying attention to all the times in the meetings when they tell her to obey the FDS, and she's been remembering things in the past they've said too. She said she thinks it's totally wrong that they said obeying the FDS is like obeying Jehovah, and that she's never going to put her faith in men or obey them. Wow!
She admitted how even during her baptism questions a few years ago something seemed wrong about some of the things she had to agree to (she couldn't quite remember what). But she has since started being way more open about this, and has started pointing out the things that she's been hearing in the meetings. Mostly about control. I think she's ready to watch the Hassan video and will hopefully start to identify many more things.She also said she was thinking about the GB and how they're changing doctrines could be to do with the different men coming and going from the group, and if that's why how can she possibly trust what they're saying today. She was actually thinking for herself, I've never even said that to her. She concluded that this could be life changing for her!!! She said all she wants after her DF is to get reinstated and then to fade. She has said a few times she's actually scared for her family because she's worried what the FDS will say next, like something that could cause them to harm themselves.
She is worried about the shunning, but she's willing to tell her family soon about us. I showed her the FAQs on jw.org about shunning and at first she got excited, but then said "yeah but my mom is SO indoctrinated it won't make a difference". She also admitted to being very indoctrinated herself.
Do you think she's finally starting to wake up? or am I getting excited for nothing? I can still see this process taking a very long time, I'm under no illusion. But from the above I think she's made great progress. I mean, when we do talk about things now, she is waaaaay more open minded, but still very defensive, and is quick to say I'm being disrespectful. I have to approach with caution but it's way better than before.
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jgnat
Getting used to the two personalities in the same person can be unsettling, until you spot the difference. The cultist is much more robotic in speech. I think the baptismal questions, a good number of them are hilarious. Hygiene? Really?
I think she responded to your spot of temper because she spotted the realness in you and empathized. Asking her to empathize is always good.
P.S. You asked if we think she is on her way out. I think she's dipped her toe in the pool, testing the waters. It's a long road out, still. On the other hand, for many the revelation is like falling dominoes. Once doubt is allowed in, it all falls down.
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ABibleStudent
Hi jonza, Be loving, patient, and compassionate. DO NOT get your hopes up until after she has done her own research and is not regurgitating what you told her. You want her to critically think for herself. It is better for you to ask her simple questions and encourage her to do her own independent research and critically think for herself.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert
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garyneal
You are setting yourself up for an unending nightmare.
Agreed
Seriously, getting involved with a JW, when you are not one and have no plans to become one (good for you), is just setting yourself up for a lifetime of drama, heartache, and headaches.
Agreed
Dude, your opening posts shows that you have a lot of expectations from this marraige that I doubt in all sincerity will play out without a great deal of drama and compromise. I love my JW wife and am happy to be with her but if I knew then what I know now about how the religion would play out in our marraige I would definitely think twice about it.
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jonza
I think right now she is coming to terms with everything still before she can start her own research. She just said this morning that she feels like she's been lied to her whole life, and it's hard to take. The thought of her moving to be with me and then being shunned by her family is quite a lot to take right now. I love this woman and I've put in way too much to back out now. I'm not going to jump into marriage with her or kids. I will live with her for a few years at least (she wants the same) before making any life long commitments. I will use this time to help her out of this cult and hopefully into a church.
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jgnat
Red flag.
You are not her rescuer.
If you do, she is running from one dependent relationship to another, and she will never figure out what she really thinks and wants.
The only help you can give her is to ask her questions and honor her opinions, even if they are not what you want. This helps her build independence of mind.
Give up the "new church" idea. Just let that go. I go to a different church than my hubby, but in his exit he has burned it in to his mind that he will never join mine. It's like in leaving the only truth he knows, he has joined the devil (me). It is better that she not be involved in ANY religion for at least a year after her exit. And I don't consider her exited. She's still very mixed up.
Hubby's perspective of me is insulting indeed, considering how highly I value my beliefs, but that's what a Witness, not fully exited, really views the rest of the world.
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jonza
Fair point, I realise I'm not her rescuer as such, I just want to be there for her. The main thing I have done is just ask her questions, she has shown the first steps of thinking for herself. It's a start at least. She's never once said my church is the devil or anything like that. She has just said she doesn't consider it the truth either. I get your point about waiting before getting her into a church though.
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Apognophos
I do think it sounds promising that she has voiced these thoughts to you. I don't personally see a problem with wanting to rescue her, but of course you need to be mindful of the fact that she is in an intellectual limbo state right now, and has a strong emotional reason to want to put aside her religion, which may lead to her having second thoughts about the religion later on.
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jgnat
Hubby has rarely admitted how "out of step" he considers other churches. What cultist wants to sound weird? But I promise you, the first cross she sees, anything she has been taught is "pagan", and it will trigger negative responses. Even an innocent invitation to a group bible study will trigger bad, bad memories of the Witnesses. You see, in regular churches accepting or turning down an invitation is no big deal. But for the Witnesses, well, the person is instantly "marked" as poor association.
You see, an innocent "book study" will be invited to become more and more involved, until POW, baptism. Now they MUST keep up on all the commitments and REACH OUT for more.
Easy in, hard out.
Being there for her fine.
