DF'ed and Confused...

by Stumbeline 43 Replies latest jw experiences

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  ABibleStudent

  Welcome Stumbeline, Thanks for sharing your experience. DITTO what punkofnice wrote about reading Steve Hassan's book(s) and Witness My Fury about visiting www.jwfacts.com.

  Since you went to college and are 25-years old, you are very lucky and have the rest of your life to enjoy. Make your plans to live your life to reach your full potential. You should consider the following in your plan:

  1. Vent on JWN as much as possible so that you do not make your JW family and friends more suspicious about your attitude and hopefully to discover ways to communicate better with your JW family and friends. No matter what you learn in the future, be compassionate and patient with your JW family and friends. Your best course of action is to live a happy, fun, and interesting life.
  2. Independently research the history and flip flopping doctrines of the WTBTS like you would in college on a subject that you knew nothing about to confirm your doubts or dismiss them. Visit reputable websites like www.jwfacts.com, www.watchtowerdocuments.com, www.jwsurvey.org, www.freeminds2.org, etc.
  3. Read information by reputable cult-exit counselors like Steve Hassan's books ("Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"), visit his website at www.freedomofmind.com, and watch his FREE videos on his website. Ask yourself why the WTBTS does not refer to cult-exit counselors by name when the WTBTS writes that it is not a cult?
  4. Search the internet and local newspapers for fun things to do in your community that you enjoy or would like to do and where you can make new non-JW friends. You need to build a support network of unconditional friends, who will be your friends no matter if you believe differently then them. Have you visited www.meetup.com?
  5. If you can afford it, talk with a counselor (preferably a cult-exit councilor) about your feelings and to help you overcome the WTBTS's BITE control that it uses to victimize JWs.
  6. Start/update your Facebook page as a way to let your family know what is happening in your life.

  Best of wishes in enjoying a long and happy life. The WTBTS's Big "A" is not coming soon.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
• 

  Oubliette

  Stumbeline, welcome!

  I'm sorry for what you're going through. For better or worse, many--maybe even most of us here--can relate.

  I am moving out soon though, which is already taking a toll on her because she knows as soon as I'm on my own, we can't talk.

  Of course you CAN still talk, but whether or not your mother will depends on how deeply she is indoctrinated.

  Maybe you can use this to help her see how cultish this religion is. It ruins family. The scriptures do not support JWs policy of shunning as practiced by its members. Can you name 1 person that Jesus shunned? There aren't any.

  In the meantime, take heart. I know you feel lost now, but rest assured you will find and make new friends. The really surprising thing is this: you will find people that will love and accept you for WHO you are, not WHAT you (pretend to) believe.

  Welcome to the rest of your life!

  Oubliette
• 

  Vidiot

  You have a really original username.

  A lot of people don't realize this, but sexuality - as depicted in the Bible - is almost exclusively portrayed in the context of property ownership. Women were overwhelmingly viewed as commodities first and formost, and individuals second.

  A daughter was owned by her father, therefore an unmarried young man who had sex with her was guilty of - for all intents and purposes - vandalization. That's why the penalties for them basically amounted to a monetary fine paid by the young guy, and a shotgun marriage if there was a strong risk of a bun in the oven (remember, the Biblical writers were very preoccupied with geneology).

  Similarly (and arguably more extreme), a wife was viewed as her husband's property, so adultery was viewed as a form of theft. And being the victims of theft, back in the days of subsistence farming and hunting, could place a family's very survival at risk.

  Of course, nowadays daughters and wives are most assuredly not viewed as property (at least in nominally civilized populations), but to follow that chain of reasoning to its logical conclusion (namely, that unmarried sex is no longer a potential civil crime) would never do, particularly in conservative religious circles.

  Why, people might start to think that no restrictions or sanctions should be placed on sex between consenting partners regardless of marital status, and if that happened, the whole world would quickly degenerate into a heaving, sweaty mass of writhing bodies, and that would severely hamper the advancement of ideological agendas...

  ...can't have that.
• 

  LisaRose

  Welcome, glad you found us. I know it's a tough situation to be in, it happened to me at about the same age. I got reinstated, I wish now I had the good sense to get out, but like you I missed my friends and family. It's a heartless religion, they don't really care about you personally, they don't care that you won't be able to talk with your mother, that you need help and understanding, not judgement. If God exists, why would he want to do that to a young person who just made a mistake? It makes no sense.

  It might be for the best though. I encourage you to really investigate this religion and find out about it. I was shocked about how many things they lied about. I wish I had had the internet back then, I wouldn't have wasted thirty years in a futile effort to be good enough that's foe sure. I would also start making friends outside the religion, that way they can't be taken away from you. The reason they disfellowship people is because they know it hurts, that keeps you in line and not questioning things. Don't you wonder why they need to do that? Don't you wonder why they are so afraid to have you go to sites like this? If they have "the truth", it should stand up to questions and scrutiny, but they are afraid because it doesn't. It's a cult, it's how they work, check out howcultswork.com, it's not specifically about JWs, but you will see that the JWs meet the criteria perfectly.

  So take some time to make sure this is what you want. Maybe you should get reinstated so as to not loose contact with your mom, then do a fade. Of curse that would limit you quite a bit in your life, and you would always be at risk of being disfellowshipped again, plus it would involve a bit of deception. It's your life, your decision, just make sure you go into it with eyes wide open. Knowledge is power, get some and take back power over your own life.
• 

  Antioch

  A big hug to you. You're definitely not alone in all those feelings. The JW religion is like a powerful mulching machine and it's traumatic and painful when you find yourself chewed up by something so powerful and spit out the other side in a heap. It's like you don't know what hit you but you know you got knocked down by something big and mean.
  
  Fortunately, you're so much stronger than you may think. You are in a prime position to re-create your world. I left at 29. Lost everything. Had to start from scratch. Seven years later, I have a career, an education, health, and I'm working on the rest. They have grossly underestimated the heart that people have.
  
  Use that education. Find new passions. Go in a new unknown direction. The hole left by your mother, lover, and friends won't disappear, but you can and will grow in a new full way. I guess what I'm saying is that it's OK that you don't know what's going on or where to go. Accepting that is step one to figuring out where you WILL go. Collect information, resources, and grow!

  Oh, and don't waste too much time disproving JWs. That's a foregone fact. Just focus on growing good things in your life.

  Message me if you want to talk one on one and I'll listen.
• 

  Iown Mylife

  Welcome to you, Stumbeline, HeyThere and berrygerry!

  Stum, you have for sure come to the right place and you will start to feel so much better as your de-programming goes along. 99% of the contributors here are brilliant thinkers and writers, compassionate and understanding as well as tremendously generous. I have been given so much encouragement to heal that sometimes nowadays I don't even have a thought about the jw or wt for several days at a time.

  I enjoy using the Search and just type in different terms like reinstated or phrases like how long does reinstatement take, and then read experiences of hundreds of others who woke up to realize they had been in a cult.

  Love to you, for healing and freedom!

  Marina
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  AudeSapere

  nugget wrote: Stop chasing a cult that wants to make you a miserable, downtrodden virgin and build a life for yourself where you use your judgement and common sense to be all you can be. ... If a religion wants to take away your family and friends it has to be worthy of demanding that sacrifice. Trust me, do some research and you will discover it is not worthy not even close.

  Very, very wise words. Well worth memorizing.

  -Aude.
• 

  wanderlust

  Hi Stumbeline, I have been lurking around here and there for a little while, but something about your post inspired me to come out of lurking. First of all I would like to say that although I am not DF'd, I sympathize with what you are going through. I was actually going to suggest just what LisaRose posted, to perhaps consider getting RI and then fading away in order to maintain a relationship with your mother. However, this could come with it's own challenges and you will have to weigh the pros and cons of remaining DF vs being RI as a JW.

  I faded away about 12 years ago and moved away to another state. I live my life completely the way I want to - celebrating all of the holidays, I have visited various churches, befriend whomever I want, no FS, no meetings, no guilt. It was like a heavy burden had been lifted from me. Since I am out of state, I don't have to worry about watching my back and worried that someone might see me with Christmas decorations or any stupid sh!t like that. If I were DF, on the other hand, I could live where I wanted to live and do what I wanted because I would no longer be considered a JW anyway. I do wonder on ocassion what would I do if I moved back near family. In fact, this is one of the reasons I'm not on Facebook. I still have a fear of being "found out" and then subsequently DFd. I still have a large amount of family in.

  Lastly, regarding JWs being "good people". I know how "Society" loves to tell us how wondeful and so much better than worldlies JWs are, but something that I knew even before I faded is this - JWs are no different then average, regular folks. In fact, due to the nature of the religion, I found that in general, JWs were actually less compassionate than average! I remember shortly before my fade, my dad had some serious health issues and I missed some meetings due to spending time with him. When I came back to a meeting, this "holy roller" sister says to me, "I haven't been seeing you! Where have you been? I'm gonna whip you!" I told her my dad was sick, and she said "Oh", and walked off. No "I'm so sorry" or "how is he doing?" or anything to that effect. Never spoke to her again and that was one of the last meetings I ever attended. On the other hand my "wordly" coworkers were very supportive and concerned and happily covered for me while I was gone. I could give many more examples like this.

  Sorry for the long winded post! I wish you well in whatever you decide, Stumbeline.
• 

  Separation of Powers

  Find something meaningful. There is a measure of true wisdom in the words, "there is more happiness in giving than in receiving" Go back to school. Join a group or club. Take an interest in your community. There is much more out there than you can imagine. Get busy living.
• 

  skin

  Welcome here Stumbeline and wanderlust. hope to see you both posting on here again. I likewise am mainly a lurker but at times feel the need to post or add something to the board.