My Child Has Asked Me to Divorce Husband

by HeyThere 52 Replies latest social family

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  HeyThere

  I do still love him...and he loves us very much. I realize many of the issues stem from how he was raised (a dub) his mom left his dad because he wasnt a wotness...it completely tarnished his relationship with his dad. he doesnt realize how mich jw is the cause...this is all he knows.

  my husbamd did slap me one time years ago and i flipped out on him...no kids were around...he has and will not touch me like that again or he knows it will be over and he will be in jail. we have had crazy times in our marriage and some of it is my fault. i am not going to get into much of that now, but when things came to a head last year we agreed to move forward. and things have been good. he is being a good husband and father in the way he was raised to believe a good husband and father should be. i know his dub family, they are very very active dub. i am not just going to divorce him now when i love him and know his intentions are good. he has his family...siblings, mom, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, who are all active witnesses congratulating and supporting him. he has close friends in the hall. he truly doesnt umderstand why i am having a hard time with it because to him, it is the truth. that is why it is so sad for me.

  my child was again telling me to divorce him last night. i think there is more to it all now than she priginally let on, and i told her we will not just leave we need to talk to him if she is that angry. she didnt want to, i told her i would. so i talked to my husband. i told him she is angry and wants me to divorce him. he is heartbroken. but hopefully this can start some deep thought and repair.
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  4thgen

  HI There- Hi There! Good communication. It's excellent that your daughter opened up for the reasons for saying what she did. Your reaction to the child’s demands for a divorce show that you are a loving and caring parent. You are also wise in not taking the advise of a child without input from friends/peers. Marriage can be tough....Especially as life reveals us truths that are unexpected. You need to do what is right for you and your family- regardless of what people say. As one of our friends stated: Breathe. Stop. Disengage. Distance. Think. Breathe and then think things through. There is not a ‘one size fits all’ response to your dilemma. If you love him and it is returned, do all you can to save your marriage. Think of the future and how it will affect your children. Would a divided household be better than a single parent? Only you can decide.

  My situation involved abuse of my child. He was repentant to the elders, but unrepentant and cruel in private. So in my case there was no choice, no matter how much I loved him. A stand had to be taken swiftly and strong message had to be sent that abuse will not be tolerated in any form. Some of my well meaning friends tried to convince me to return, rather than break up the family, but I knew in my heart what was the right course. But believe me, it took years to finally file for divorce, because I loved him. In the end, I made the right decision for our family. (the friends who gave me the bad advise are no longer in my life, and they are still living unfulfilled marriages)

  How will we really know until all is said and done and the child is out of the home?

  There is wonderful support here at the forum, but digest it at your own pace. It’s your life and once decisions are made, they are hard to undo. Move slowly and deliberately. All the best….4 thgen
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  Scully

  Hey There,

  It's unusual for a daughter to have such disdain for her dad, even when they get involved with a cult like the JWs. Please ask her if there is something going on that she's been told by her father not to disclose to you.
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  HeyThere

  she knows he cheated on me. i believe that is part of it. i was able to talk with her in further detail and got the timeline narrowed down.

  she asked me if he cheated on me. i told her what happened between her dad and i was adult atuff and it would be innappropriate to talk with her about anything. she responded with "so thats a yes."

  our other child had actually been the one who busted him and told me. so theres that. but it is becoming clearer to me why she is so angry.
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  FlyingHighNow

  my child was again telling me to divorce him last night. i think there is more to it all now than she priginally let on, and i told her we will not just leave we need to talk to him if she is that angry. she didnt want to, i told her i would. so i talked to my husband. i told him she is angry and wants me to divorce him. he is heartbroken. but hopefully this can start some deep thought and repair.

  Think about all of the stupid things we'd do if we listened to our kids about adult things. They'd have us taking them on vacation 20 times a year and buying them everything they want and beating up the bully's dad and letting them change schools everytime a teacher made them tow the line. If you are looking for a way out of your marriage, don't let your kids be your excuse. It sounds to me like you want people to give you a green light, using your children as the reason. Divorce will shatter your kids' lives, and yours in ways you can't understand or imagine until you've been there. I'm not saying that divorce is uncalled for sometimes. I am saying it's not the door to an easier, happier life. One day your children will be asking you how you ever listened to them. They will be telling you that you are the adult and you shouldn't have let kids pressure you into making such a profound, life changing decision.
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  HeyThere

  Flying, thanks for the input...but you are wrong. i already said I am staying with him...I am venting about the situation. just because many people gave the opinion of divorce doesnt mean that is what I was looking for. i have recently discovered just how much wt and the jw religion has impacted him as a born in, and us as a side effect now that he has gone back. you can find my other posts if you choose, my child saying that was just an added issue to the other crap. but i have no intent to divorce or seperate from my husbamd, and have been seeking advice to wake him up to ttatt. even though he cheated, i take responsibility for the state of our marriage, too.and decided to stay. my point in even mentioning it was to give the basis for why he wemt from being inactive for over a decade to full on uber dub in less than a year...i will never be a dub, my child isnt ipressed either. and now i know she is also harboring anger about his cheating when i didnt even know she knew...
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  FlyingHighNow

  Hey there, I apologize for getting your intentions wrong. You love each other and that will help more than anything. Kids who have parents who are in agreement about religion and who've never cheated, still at times resent their parents. It's normal. I hope that as your husband sees the state of the organization and how dark and negative it is, he'll add things up and at least lose his fire for the JWs enough to become inactive again.
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  Vanderhoven7

  Perhaps you are the one who should first speak to your angry daughter. Explain that her Dad did something very wrong. He has repented and you have forgiven him.

  You can follow that up by looking at the woman caught in adultery story and the prodigal son story and go over Jesus' teaching on forgivness with her.

  Explain how we all have sinned and are in need of forgivness.

  Perhaps your husband can talk to her later (because his sin was not only against you, but against his family) and confess his failure without being specific and also his resolve to love and commitment.
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  rebel8

  I used to wish my unbelieving parent would leave the other and take me along.

  Of course, if you were able to get him to see the light & have a good relationship after, that would be really awesome.
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  HeyThere

  flying...its all good..sometimes in posting on boards the intended message isnt clear. amd all the little parts bei.g typed on a cell phonemakes it mpre, uh, fum! so sorry for misstyping. thanks for ,hecking in and clarofying. i do hope i can vet him ttatted gently. he is very involved now. so ot is what ot is. Amd I agree...sometimes kids just arent happy period.

  we had a good family talk tonight. i am hoping to see positove changes. they we both smiling and joking after...so back to normal is a gopd sogn...

  also during study he explained why he thought the qt says things a vertain way about beimg fed from jehovah....more on that another time.