Hi all. I haven't really been on here in like, a year. My stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and I just sort of never had time for forums. But here I am at 3am, another sleepless night, and I feel like I am simply lost. This story could get very long, but I'll try not to let that happen. My husband and I had a TON of ups and downs in our time together. We've been married 14 years. About two years ago we moved half way across the country because we lost our home... We separated for a bit and while we were apart he learned TTAT and I had already made up my mind I didn't trust the elders or the governing body to tell me how to run my life, so the rest wasn't a huge leap. During our separation I encouraged him to get out and experience life - I was all he'd known. I told him to learn about himself, make positive changes and become the best version of himself he could. Get laid - have a girlfriend or two or three. We'll see what happens after all of that. But it wasn't long before he told me he didn't need any other girl - I was all he ever wanted in life and please please give him another chance. We agreed to put behind us all the things of our past together and start over. New. Fresh. I told him straight out my expectations, my needs from him. I said if these things weren't possible, let's just not even do this again because it hurts too much. I expressed that I needed stability, no substance abuse (drinking from time to time isn't a big thing, I'm talking about anything at all habitual and regular - he had a problem with abusing some drugs during our marriage), honesty.... I laid it out and asked that he do the same with me. He convinced me to move back to our hometown and try again....
I moved back in January and up until June we had some bumps and I was concerned, but I was beginning to think we might be able to figure all of this out. I understood that as a born in, he had a lot of things to go through and learn and recover from.... I wanted him to just work on himself, become the better version of himself and be positive. I was working all the time, trying to keep up on bills and moving expenses and such. We had left the children with my parents to finish up the school year and I managed to visit them some... He picked them up in June and within two weeks of them coming home he changed entirely.
I went from being his sun and moon and stars.... Well he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He said he didn't think he wanted to be married to me anymore. He had never loved me "that way" and I never gave him these certain feelings. I'm not stupid...my first question was - who is she. At first, he said there is no "she", but quickly he relented and confessed he'd begun to talk to a girl he met on the Reddit ExJw site. They were only e-mailing on Reddit, and she lived all the way across the country, but he was falling in love with her and he just didn't know what to do or what he wanted. He wanted me to remain his best friend, because I am still a great person and he still loves me (just not that way). He asked my advice on how to flirt with her, how to get her attention. Showed me all of her pictures he had downloaded on his phone (she posted a bunch of pictures of herself on the "ex jws gone wild" section, naked from the waist up - that's how he first found her). He set me free to do as I pleased. So I was pretty quick about telling a guy friend of mine that my husband and I were separating so he and I could start talking again. This guy and I have only ever been just friends, we went to school together, and he is very against getting into a relationship, but I also know he thinks I'm attractive. After the blow I received from my husband, it was pretty quick that I went ahead and agreed with my male friend that we could have a flirtatious relationship and that it wouldn't mean anything. It doesn't. We both know that at any moment if the other gets into a serious relationship, the flirtation stops and we go back to platonic. He's basically just an ego booster. He also lives two states away, so there's nothing physical happening.
So my husbands relationship with this other girl expanded and they began texting, facebooking. She has a boyfriend, is 10yrs younger than us, has a child from a previous boyfriend and her current bf has two kids. She doesn't appear as interested in him as he is in her - she doesn't go a day without talking to him though, so clearly there's something there. She also doesn't know she's the reason he decided to leave me. At some point the reason for leaving me morphed into him wanting to better himself, grow as an individual and learn what he wants and needs in life and just be single for awhile. He knows a real relationship with her is unlikely. As far as I know, they don't talk about sex or anything like that - they've exchanged many pictures (clean ones I gather) and a short video or two as an introduction.
He wants me to live with him for a few more months while he gets on his feet financially to be able to support himself without my help...
I guess I don't know what to say or how to feel. I am numb most days. I have shut down. I agreed to let him go immediately because I don't believe in trapping someone who doesn't want to stay. I also felt like the stability I so needed was ripped away (again) and I'm the fool for believing he had changed.
Quite logically, I know we're better off apart. Clearly, we aren't a good match. Why does this have to hurt SO much? I'm not by nature a very jealous person, but everytime he starts texting or receives messages on his phone now I want to smash it! I have my little ego booster friend, so I shouldn't be one to talk, but there's a difference. I didn't decide to leave him because I didn't love him anymore or because I love someone else. I do still love him and I don't love anyone else. And I hate myself for being so weak and stupid and silly. And Even more for trusting him again and believing him again and giving him this chance. Had I not taken him back I'd be a whole year and a half out of this marriage - past all this pain and the kids wouldn't have to go through all of this again. My heart aches and I can't sleep or eat...WTF??? Sorry this is so long or if it seems disjointed...I'm usually well spoken...but I guess right now maybe not so much...
