by Shattered Reality 49 Replies latest social relationships
Sorry for the challenges you are facing, Shattered Reality, and sending you best wishes for coming out much stronger and wiser on the other side.
Sometimes I wonder if (this) religion has taught us to have unrealistic, rigid, and absolute expectations of relationships.
The reality it seems is that relationships are complex, and do not always (have to) work out.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and story. Any man who thinks that a pretty lady (ex-JW or not) who posts topless photos on the internet will want a normal serious relationship is just fooling himself. I mean, there are these ads that come up on my computer about beautiful successful ladies that just cannot find the right man and are desparate enough to try some service that I could also join and meet them. C'mon- get real.
Secondly, you did open a door for your husband to explore other avenues. Despite his saying no, it helped him realize that he can test the boundaries on your relationship and you will probably allow him to do what he wants.
I don't have any real insight for you, as I cannot imagine such a relationship where my wife would tell me to "get a girlfriend" or two after she would wake up from the JW cult. I have seen people stay together because of their sense of duty, their already-developed love, their children. I have seen people end their relationship because it was only the religion keeping such different types of people together.
If it were me in your situation, I would tell the spouse that I don't want to be a doormatt and I wasn't in this relationship to have just a friend, especially one who understood my expectations and hurt me so. I would not want to kick myself again in another year or more and say what you said again about putting yourself and the kids through this yet again.
As stated, focus on the kids. They need someone to focus on them.
shattered reality, has your husband , like mine, made subtle hints for you to leave on your own? so you take the blame for leaving, and not he? Im curious.
this is what mine does to me. I havent given him a reason to not love me, I compare myself to the character Brie, on desperate housewives, in that im a domestic angel, and loyal wife, and have dinner every day. but wish i was someplace else with someone else.
but when the very few times we get into a relationship discussion, he will say, well if you dont like it leave. knowing full well i have no where to go. so he does what he wants.
mine was the one who cheated on me two years ago, and we got back together when he made these promses to me, that have not come yet and never will.
on the way out made an observation ,you gave yor husband an open door to explore .... as did I . and mine has said this to me , ' well, if you think you can find someone else go ahead but Im not interested in anyone.
I think my husband wishes Id leave. he will never admit it, he just drinks and sleeps upstairs, and keeps very busy.
Hope you get yourself straightened out, & your kids
into a safe, secure happy environment and........
as for all the rest of it ......omg ...I am way too old
to get what the hell you are doing!
clarity
Regarding all the feelings and emotions you are going through, this is very normal. In any situation of loss, including a separation, there is a grieving period that you will go through. Psychologists say this will last around nine months and there are different stages you go through. At times the feelings and emotions can be inexpliquable, even tortuous, but they will pass. It is a way for our mind, or psychic if that's the correct term, to process the huge change we are going through. It's like psychologically your mind is in the process of healing a large wound.
I would suggest, if possible, speaking to a psychologist. Perhaps to get help, but more to get some answers and understanding of what is happening. It can be very enlightening. It can be very helpful. PM me if you feel like messaging.
Are you hot?? Give me a call. I would like to be your next mistake.....
Just kidding!!! I just joke around because it sucks to be in a sucky marriage. The "truth" is a joke. I am really sorry that you have been through the ringer, so to speak. Being a Dub puts an extreme amount of pressure on people. I mean seriously, you are the elite among humanity and JEEHOOBER will start a new world with your DNA. SERIOUSLY?!?! No pressure there!!! Jesus....
The pressure to be the best at all times is simply maddening. Its impossible. Be more, do more, give more!!! Both mates suffer. As a husband I was always stressed, trying to be the best "spiritual" man. My wife was stressed, doing her best to be in the "good wives" club, but I couldn't get appointed. Resentment and fault finding ensued. ( Mostly from her because I'm awesome..err..)
Now things are great. She's over 40, flabby, loves field service and spends her free time with Jeehoober. I write and hang out with my cats. It's perfect. We will always be together. She will never divorce because Jeehoober doesn't like it, and I won't ruin my child's life. Plus, I have no sexual desire because it died long ago. We are the perfect example of a couple who honors Jeehoober by paying our vow.
One more thing. It's not a bad thing when a bad relationship ends. What do you want? Who do you want to be? Go get it. Kick some ass and take some names.
DD
Kick this bumb to the curb...the sooner the better.
A million hugs from me to you
He will find out the grass is NOT greener on the other side. IMO most women who go for married men don't respect marriage, so why does the guy think if he hooks up with her, or marries her, she will respect their relationship or marriage ? Same goes for men.
I think one problem is, you both have no other relationships to compare with. How do you know how good or bad it really is ? When I left my first husband (1st relationship) My mom said " are you sure your not going from the frying pan to the fire" ? That is what I did. If I wouldn't have had a few bad relationships I may not have realized what a great guy I have now.
After 25 years of being married to him I can say some days, months and even years I am more in-love with him then others. Ups and downs like a baby roller coaster . You will know in your heart when enough is enough and the marriage is over. I hope it works out for you. HUGS
Sherry
Sorry to hear of your troubles. I think your husband never intended to deceive you initially when he said he wanted to stay with you. He was simply caught off-guard by your suggestion of seeing other people, his fear of abandonment kicked in and he convinced himself that he needed you. It's not surprising that he changed his mind once he found out that another woman might be attracted to him. Of course, he's probably just another boy-toy for her. She likely spends hours a day communicating with 'her men' and basking in the attention she's getting.
