by Shattered Reality 49 Replies latest social relationships
I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask that your husband not be talking with/about his new honey in your presence. No matter what the circumstances there are always mixed feelings in a break up, so he could show a little discretion.
I think you are better off with out him.
I suggest you bring a date home and see how he likes it.
Thank you for (most of) the kind posts!
Doc - thanks for the totally JW attitude of judgement there. I see you know all there is to know about my life. When we moved it was because my husband (who is self employed) chose to stop working and we lost our home. My parents offered us a place to build a new life together. Our relationship was bad and I had a good job here, so I actually considered leaving him then, but he fed me similar lines about change and such and also plugged the "working on his spirituality" angle. He BEGGED me to move out there with him and within two months I kicked him out. He left, moved back here, and I continued to try to find work. After a YEAR and a HALF of living with my very strict JW parents I was unable to find work in their area. When my husband and I reconciled he moved back to the town we were living in and rented a room from a lady in town. He convinced me that moving back here would be optimal. He was supposed to come in November and I would begin to apply and try to get a job by May. I applied in October, interviewed while moving him out here in November and was hired. (the job has good pay, excellent medical benefits, and opportunities for advancement - I couldn't really say no) I asked that they give me until the 1st to try to make arrangements for my move. He was supposed to earn money while I was back with the children so we could get a place but he didn't have the most convenient work space so he wasn't able to accomplish that. He made enough to get me out here. I sat with my children (ages 11 and 13, so, old enough to have a discussion with) and told them what was going on. They asked that I let them finish out the school year where they were. They didn't want to have to worry about making new friends or any of that in the middle of it. School was meant to be out in mid May but was extended because of snow by an entire month. It was the single most difficult thing I have ever done to leave my children like that. The reason I didn't get more into that before was because I was trying not to go on and on and on and create the worlds biggest post. If you still consider that "dumping them off" in order to seek my own personal selfish desires, well then I suppose you and I simply don't have a lot in common, do we? I worked 50-60hours per week while they were gone (though I did take some time off to come visit them also) and managed to put together enough savings to get us a place big enough in a school district I approve of, as well as to help pay for the moving truck to get our stuff back out here and the hotels for his drive and food...etc. I cannot afford this place alone, though, because I won't work those kinds of hours with my children home as I believe I should be here for them. He has chosen to make one of the three bedrooms into an office for better working conditions for himself. The kids share a room. When I move out, I won't be able to afford a three bedroom, and I feel bad about that, but I tell myself they will be alright with this, since it's what they're already used to.
The offer for him to go find what he wanted.... Honestly - when we separated, I didn't think we'd reconcile. I just wanted him to be happy. He had a fling with a local bicycle and it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He got sick and wanted me to take care of him.
I'm not saying that I want to fix things with him or that I believe now that we're a good match. All I wanted was stability, security, someone on the same team as me working for a decent life for us, as individuals, as a couple, as a family.
As for the exJW tart on Reddit. Those are her real tits. Her face is in nearly all of the pictures. Her tattoes are clearly visible in SFW pics of her in tank tops and such on Facebook with her family. It's definitely really her. She's evidently never responded to his advances and calls him things like "bro" and "broseph". This girl is NOTHING like me. The only thing we have in common is that people say we look significantly younger than we are. She looks like a teenager, and I, being 10yrs older, look a little closer to her real age. Otherwise - I have no piercings in my face, nor gauges in my ears, no tattoes yet (though I have one I will get, but it will be in a place where I can choose if people see it or not). She doesn't seem like a bad person, though I don't really have much respect for her - but I openly admit I am jaded and not the correct person to ask.
I'm not saying we didn't have our problems. I'm just saying that he turned on a dime and it hurts like hell. I have replies angles toward many of the comments you've all made, but since I only slept about an hour and a half last night I think I am going to try to rest. His mother is in the hospital today (she'll be fine) and he took the kids to visit her - they're not back yet. He did ask me to make dinner, but I'm a little bit thinking tonight we'll go with something easy and tomorrow I'll actually cook something more complex. (Easy is usually breakfast for dinner or pizza...LOL) Thank you again for the understanding and kind words and advice.
OH - as for the psychological stuff - I am aware of the stages of grief and trying to keep track of how I am feeling and why to be able to work through them. I intend to see someone, though, as well as find someone for the children to see. I think it's important that they're able to identify and work through their feelings.
I basically feel like some pointed out - I need to get out of this situation, and soon. Relationships fall on hard times, but to go from "I want to better myself and I want you to be with me, by my side, maybe helping me as well" to "I'm not attracted to you. I've never loved you that way. You never gave me feelings like this" feels a little bit like a mindf*ck of JW proportions. Everything in absolutes, the current truth is the only truth and the past truths don't exist or were misunderstandings of some kind. Like I said before...I just wish is didn't evicerate quite like this.
He wants me to live with him for a few more months while he gets on his feet financially to be able to support himself without my help...
everytime he starts texting or receives messages on his phone now I want to smash it
ewww...no. Clean break. Rip the Band-Aid off--it'll be less painful in the long run. IMHO
If he wants to be friends and cares about you, then he wouldn't do this. Does he know how much pain this is causing you?
Seriously. Yuck.
I really wish I had something brilliant to say...
but I'm not all that clever...
I really hope that you get everything worked out. A tumultuos home life is bad for the spirit. I am pulling for you and your kids!
My half assed opinion-let him go, take your kids and set him free to be happy and learn to support himself. You may not think he is a total loser-he may have redeeming qualities, but the marriage is over, he just wants the fringe benefit of a sugar momma, without having to give up any sugar. Lose him.
Thank you. I know that is what I need to do... now it is a matter of earning the money and putting it away to do it. We will be splitting the bills and i am getting my own bank acct. i am good at saving... he is better at spending!!!
So he tells me now they are just friends and she is not into him at all. His crush is gone... suddenly he is being more affectionate to me again as well. I am a little afraid he will try and reel me back in.
Sorry this guy sounds like a exploitive Cad, meandering to where he can get what he wants or thinks he can get out of people.
If you want to be emotionally abused and exploited by this ass then thats your fatefully decision.
Well, there's a couple possibilities.
One: This was his little walk on the wild side, and he's gotten this out of his system. It seems that every JW probably needs this when they leave the religion. However, one could question whether such a minor "fling" would really get anything out of his system.
Two: The lack of affection/interest that he expressed for you before was how he really felt, and he's simply using you as a lily pad to jump into another relationship (perhaps without even realizing that he's doing it). You were his only port in a storm and he needed you, until he didn't, and now he does again.
I do know that when a relationship has a bad start, it can poison the well in a way that doesn't show up for years. I don't know nearly enough about your relationship to say whether that's the case. However, the religion itself tends to guarantee that relationships get off to a bad start:
- the lack of opportunity to play the field before settling down (a natural human instinct which also teaches people about themselves),
- a lack of time to really get to know the other person before you marry, and
- the effects of various beliefs that alter the way people look at a potential mate ("Well, he's not really all that attractive, but he is spiritually strong...")
...these all conspire to screw up a relationship before it even starts. Sometimes you have to tear down something in order to build something nicer in its place.
He can't reel you back in unless you take the bait.
Please decide what is best for your children and you and stick to it. Don't teach your kids they should settle for security instead of self-esteem and love.
