I began pulling away when I became physically ill and mentally exhausted from the phony sideshow. My cognitive dissonance was in overdrive. I was a reg pio for several years and not leading a double life but I felt a growing unease and distaste for the meetings and the phony people. But like a good little dub, I convinced myself that I just needed to study more and pray more and that's why I didn't feel like I fit in, or like things weren't working out well.
So I did the full-blown look-up-all-the-scriptures-underline-notes-in-the-margin study and picked out three answers, which was increasingly difficult in the foreigh language congregation we attended. Determined to answer and be a part of the happiest-people-on-earth group, I got dressed and went to the meeting for the first time in several weeks. The strangest thing happened. Instead of feeling all happy and warm at the hall, I felt like every fiber of my being was telling me to get away. So I got up and left - don't remember if I even stayed for the talk - but that was the last meeting I attended. I went to the next memorial in another town with family just to make them happy but felt like I couldn't get out the door fast enough.
The Candace Conti revelation was also an important trigger for me, and I'd already been physically out for a year. My family experienced an incident of molestation decades ago, but reading about Candace and her lawsuit brought it all flooding back and I realized that ours was not an isolated case. My emotional responses were the fuel that led me to start digging and gave me the courage to come here to JWN, although I couldn't handle the intensity at first and it took another year before I felt comfortable commenting.
My cult indoctrination was very deep. I spent more than a full year getting rid of the intense anger, grief, even rage at times toward this lying, scheming organization that defrauded me and my family and kept us away from really living for decades. I did a lot of healing, and coming back to JWN coupled with lots of non-religious spiritual reading helped push me to a place of peace.
Ignoring the mental and emotional exhaustion brought on by living the bOrg life caused me severe physical illness that forced me to bed, so I was removed from the cult influence and my brain began healing. Although it was a continuous journey cycling through the emotions, I believe physical distance was a huge factor is speeding up my awakening.
I would have to say that the Mental process triggered the Emotional responses that led to getting out Physically, but the Emotional issues had to be worked through. Much like when you first studied and you learned layers upon layers of cult theology, you have to peel back those layers to get them all out of your mind. So I don't think it's like tearing off a costume and throwing it away for good, at least not when you've heavily invested in it emotionally.
I feel deeply for all those who know TTATT but cannot leave for family reasons. Just recognizing that things didn't quite add up made it tortuous for me, so kudos to all of you who are enduring.
