can an unhappy married woman vent?

by sowhatnow 45 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  sowhatnow

  I continue to be saddened by the fact that i am married to such a selfish man.

  I want to know if I am the only wife who has no say when it comes to using the house she lives in for activities including other people.

  let me explain.

  yesterday my daugher who is 35 got a new puppy for my grandaughter who is 13. today my daughter and son in law are going to help my uncle at a job, and my granddaughter wanted to spend the day here, my daugher said shed bring her and the puppy over, I laughed and said 'your dad wont have that, Ill have to go to your house'.

  after all it will 'upset' the 2 cats they will hide all day [like they do ANYTIME someone including my Grandchild is in my home] .

  I already knew that he would not like it if she brought the puppy over, [weve had dogs so its not like he hates them]

  he doesnt care if his grandaughter would have enjoyed playing with the puppy over grandmas house, where she likes to be for a change, and that fact that id like to see what my cats would do when they saw a dog for the first time in thier lives.

  maybe id have liked to play with the puppy .

  When i said to my husband that my daughter said she wanted tp bring them over he said

  'shes not bringing that dog over here to traumatize the cats what does she think' bla bla bla[ cant remember what else.] i said nothing else about it and said well im going to be over there all day then.

  so, now I have to go over to my daughers to watch my grandaughter who is ok for a few hours but not all day. so once again as for tha last 35 years of our marraige, he gets his way doesnt care If I would have enjoyed having her and the puppy here, doesnt thin i have a right to have anything enjoyable to me going on in the house.

  well , now im going to be out of his hair so he can drink his beer in the house instead of out in the garage. and watch his rated R man movies.

  heres why im so damn angry.

  all my married life, being a jw, [my husband not one in the beginning, then for a while, now isnt]

  my husband had a job making just enough that I did not have to work outside the home. so he figured since HE pays all the bills and does all the work to the house and cars, he has a right to say what he wants about how 'he lives' .

  i have no say on who i can have over the house.

  well dont I live in the house too? isnt it my house too? dont I get to have any rights to how who i can have in MY house?

  no, because its not MY house I dont pay for it.

  short short history on that,

  see, he was never one to stay home on the weekends when he had a motorcycle. so, every weekend hed take off with his brother or a freind and a case of beer and id not see him till dark. hed come home drunk and id try to avoid him.

  [btw in 13 yrs, my grandaughter has never not seen my husband drunk when she spent the weekend]

  i having no freinds and no car, spent a lot of time over my mothers house since our two girls are a week apart [yes my sister and my daughter were born 7 days apart thats another whole story] ,

  i had no motivation to 'invite' anyone over since my husband was an alchoholic , plus if i told my husband id like to invite someone over for dinner, hed tell me he was doing this or that. he has no friends.

  so i never got to entertain guests. we once had a huge dining room set and not once did we have anyone for dinner to use it.

  [I never got invited anywhere, I was an unbaptised 'sinner' who married a worldy guy so i was considered bad assocaition.]

  he never cared about what me and the kids wanted to do. till this day , makes plans without me, and If he has nothing to do,

  then he will ask me if i had anything i wanted to do on such and so day, making suggestions, all the time, of thins he wants to do, but its really that he needs a 'companion' to do it with, like going out to eat or to walk around the home depo store with him, whoo hoo.

  I have never been able to open my home up for someone who needed a place to stay. of the once or twice i told my one friend she could stay at my house when she came up to pa to visit, she once had to bring her tiny dog, and he had to say real negative things to me about it and complain. and had he had his way that one time, she would have had to find other accomidations.

  I got crap about that for months.

  I coulld never have any family stay in my home, or have either of my parents live with us, no matter how sick they will get,

  my sister and her three kids, right now is homeless living in my moms cellar, stressing out my elderly parents,

  and here i have an entire empty huge cellar with a private bath and heat, and two rooms upstairs that are empty,

  and even though its her fault in one way thats shes homeless, its the kids who suffer, i cannot welcome her here untill she gets situated.

  he doesnt want his life distrupted. sure i understand that, its a lot, but its my sister and i am not allowed to help her becasue its HIS house.

  [and no he wouldnt help his own family either]

  he doesnt like people. no one.

  he wasnt going to invite anyone over for the thanksgiving dinner he wanted me to cook. but i got my sister and my daiugter to come so i had help and someone to talk to!

  he keeps me from doing nice things for people and im ccetain that people in the past think I am not freindly and sociable.

  he wouldnt go anywhere if he was invited unless it involved beer football, no onther people, or guns. he will make exscuses.

  its him not me. hes a hermit, and im the socialite that gets to go no where and cant do anyting for anyone else.

  so why are we married? I m stuck. im 52, my life is over. i feel cheated. I ve done nothing I wanted to do. now i havent the money or energy or means to fulfill my desires.

  i cant support myself anyway, rent is too high and minimun wage wont pay the rent, [that why my sister is homeless se lost her section 8 status].

  i have all my needs met, and i have good health insurence if i need it.

  but i sleep alone and am lonely.

  We are married simply for the reason of paying for our mistakes as young people. and me for geting pregnant.

  [I do not and have never been IN love with this man]

  I get no pleasure out of this life, and I hate this house.

  Im simply a live in housekeeper.

  well im done venting got to get over to my daughters house now. and see that new mini dachshund puppy.

  thanks
• 

  Terry

  I married four times.

  I divorced four times.

  Finally--when it was too late--I figured out what was going on. That's a long learning curve.

  I'll simply share my conclusions and you can take them or leave them as you are moved to do so.

  I've been to a dozen therapists and fought all of them. Why? Being a man I could never shake loose of the singular

  notion I AM RIGHT. But, guess what? I seldom was.

  When your fundamental premise is wrong--you'll build everything else on top of that foundation.

  Good luck and be strong! What follows is my life's take-away wisdom.

  1.Sooner or later, every evolved creature has to decide what their own nature amounts to.

  Are we trees or dogs? Dogs pee on trees, so better choose wisely.

  2. In every relationship, if it is going to last, somebody has to eat the shit sandwich. Why?

  Because the one who loves the most will be dominated by the one who loves the least. So then, why

  choose that diet in exchange for longevity of a relationship? Your choice.

  3. Rule of thumb: People treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. People who don't set (and defend) boundaries

  are begging to be run over.

  4. The number one signal of a doomed relationship is the presence of contempt for the other partner.

  con·tempt kənˈtem(p)t/ noun . . .the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.

  5. What we reward, we get MORE of. What we punish, we discourage. Be very aware of your reward/punishment behavior.

  6. In the end, we get the life we allow ourselves to settle for. The only way out is to searchingly ask and answer the one question which matters: WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF LIFE AND WHAT IS STANDING IN MY WAY. Most often, we are what is standing in our way.

  7. Understand the principle called: THE SANCTION OF THE VICTIM.

  What is it?

  Good, able, kind and reasonable people act as their own destroyers by giving passive consent to the will of others heedless of--and indifferent to their destruction. No manner of injury done to us by others can succeed if we choose to withhold our consent. We must see we could put an end to our outrages by pronouncing a single word aloud. We must not fear to speak it.

  The word is “No."
• 

  Mum

  Hi, sowhatnow. I can relate to many things you said. I've been married twice - and divorced twice. My first husband was a JW, 9 years older than I. As men go, he was top grade. That is, he didn't chase other women, didn't beat me, etc. I find it odd that I have to state how decent he was in terms of what he did NOT do. He was irascible and demanding. After 10 years, I couldn't take the anxiety any longer concerning what I didn't do well enough or what I neglected to do. (Mind you, I was not perfect either, but I was also not demanding and hateful). One time I babysat a sister's toddler daughter so she could take her 4-year-old son to the dentist. I was sternly reprimanded and told that the only reason to babysit would be so that she could go out in service.

  Finally, I decided that I could no longer handle the psychological abuse, and I left, moved to the other end of the country. Thank God I was still young enough (32) to start over.

  I don't know where you live, but there may be hope. There are state-sponsored programs in some places to help women like yourself build a life of their own. If you choose to get a divorce, I'm almost certain your husband would have to pay you alimony. Your sister might also look into finding such a program. The one where I used to live was through the community college. You're not too old to start over, believe me. Personally, I didn't get what a consider a good job until I was 48. I lived on low wages, but I know how to get along with very little and shop for bargains.

  I recommend that you contact your community college and Social Services in your town to find out how you can help yourself.

  Venting is fine, but the important part is what you're doing about it!

  Best wishes for a better future.
• 

  hoser

  Well said terry
• 

  Iown Mylife

  Hi, Sowhatnow, I can so feel what you're expressing. My first marriage was terrible. I was too young to be married and did not know how to manipulate my husband. now I've been married to a nice boy for 37 years and my motto is A happy husband is a manipulated husband.

  you can goog How to manipulate a husband. All sorts of info pops up! There's also good info in the book Men Are From Mars, if you haven't seen it just goog that title. People have made fun of the book but I learned a lot from it and take what you need and leave the rest.

  I know that doesn't sound good on the face of it, but hey it is actually good for everyone. Men cannot figure out how to make a woman happy. If things are to go well a woman has to make herself happy. Use your husband to make yourself happy. Then HE will be happy. a husband blames himself if a woman ain't happy. This makes him resent the woman! He begins to treat her mean, which makes her feel bad and depressed. On and on it goes.

  Here is the main thing that I want to get across: in all these years of talk about equality of the sexes, women have been mislead to think that they can deal with men head-on, like straightforward, person to person. It doesn't work, especially with a man such as you've described. You have to appeal to his ego, like get out the ego pump and get to work. A man will adore a woman who pumps up his ego and he will think she understands him and looks up to him, all that stuff. Then he will begin to change his attitude and his ways of behaving. A bad marriage can be turned around.

  But you have to be careful and do it right, read a lot and get the knowledge. Women have lots of power, and if you learn how to use it for your own happiness there's a great possibility you can turn things around. I mean, I am 61 and look like a warthog. All my pretty looks are gone. But we have such a good time, enjoy each other's company a lot. Looks don't matter if you have grandkids and enjoy life. We don't have lots of money and we can't travel, we have to work and stay home. The main thing is kindness.

  Love to you and a hug! Marina
• 

  rebel8

  I get no pleasure out of this life

  HONEY. You are depressed, which is a medical condition (despite the cause). See a doctor.

  After that, therapy could help you sort this out. Even if you don't want to leave him, a professional can help you figure out how to get to the point where you have built a life worth living.

  "It's too late" is not true.
• 

  Blackfalcon98

  marked
• 

  milola

  Join up with your sister to get jobs and rent a place together and leave the jerk.
• 

  NVR2L8

  I agree with Terry, especially with point 3...don't allow your husband to treat you like you're worthless - if that's how you feel, get help. Just tell him what you want and what you are going to do...it's your home as much as it is his...you don't need permission. If he doesn't like it so what. I am sure he would not accept being controlled by you...the same goes the other way.
• 

  LV101

  Some great advice given above about therapists. I'd also contact a lawyer just to have on the back burner to find out what the law provides on your side of the fence. Stay at home wives/mothers are priceless and you should be compensated. Take action and throw off the teeter-totter balance - have some FUN!