by sowhatnow 45 Replies latest social relationships
Great comments and advice...and remember, it is NEVER too late! Some of us older than you may have a more difficult time "starting over", but you are a spring chick! Three decades to LIVE, go live it and get away from that misery.
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, BUT THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY IS YOU.
You are a tenant who lives in a nice big house, rent free. Your husband is paying all the bills, and rightfully asserts his say over what goes on in his home. This includes not letting your drama prone layabout relatives come and mooch off of him "for just a little while" that turns into years. In all those years of easy life letting someone you don't love pay your bills, you never made a viable plan to change your situation. It looks like you set yourself up for this. How sad.
If you were raised a witness they set you up.... doesn't matter if you married a "worldly". The man is the "head".
When I married my husband (I was out of the borg 8 years) I was still in that mindset. A family counselor told me marriage is a partnership. Took me a while to really figure out that I could "readjust my thinking" but it can be done. All the advice can give you an idea of what can be done, pick what seems fesable.
So check with the community college, tell him you want to take a class. Check the finances and open a savings account in your name. It may be small but it will help your self worth. If you want no statements at the house, ask for online banking. Speak up. Tell him his alcohalism is making you crazy, go to alanon. You cant make him go to AA but you will get more ideas to cope. You have good insurance, see the doctor about your deppression. You should qualify for counselling and meds and therapy are an option. GO
You can have a better life!
You've got maybe another 40 years to go? And you're going to continue to live it like this?
I started over at 60! Moved 700 miles away from friends and home. No job. Managed to support myself until I could retire on Social Security. Now I live on my SS payments each month. I'm happy to be on my own, and free of stress. If you're 52, I'd say find out what your retirement options are going to be. Then do something, even if it's just a minimum wage job.
I agree you're depressed, which is paralyzing. Seeing your doctor is a good idea, and some good psychological counseling will help you a lot. It helped me, and I'm forever grateful I got the counseling.
kurtbethel you said,
[You are a tenant who lives in a nice big house, rent free. Your husband is paying all the bills, and rightfully asserts his say over what goes on in his home. This includes not letting your drama prone layabout relatives come and mooch off of him "for just a little while" that turns into years. In all those years of easy life letting someone you don't love pay your bills, you never made a viable plan to change your situation. It looks like you set yourself up for this. How sad]
well, lol, i have to defend myself. I guess you can view it that way, but even with all the negativity in my marraige, Id like to think that at least
my whole marraige has not been a total waste, [just so you know, hes not supported a lazy woman who sat and watched tv and ate all day, I wasnt a size 7 for nothing .lol and he wouldnt have this house if it wasnt for me making him move out of the money pit we were in]
There is a difference between loving someone ,and falling in love and being in love. I dont think we ever were.
we met, i was 18, we dated, we had sex he broke up with me, all in one summer.
i forgot about him, but then 6 months later, i realized I was pregnant.
I believe now, my husband married me because he felt bad,
at the time i thought he really cared. and he may have, but i too think he felt railroaded and also cheated. this isnt what he wanted to waste half his adult life slaing for an organization that snubbed him and his kids and caused him to loose opportunities.
my husband does work very hard , and now long hours. I at least expect from him affection respect, and to omg, stop drinking.
I ve never ever suggested to him that my sister should move in here. I already know hed laugh in my face. lol.
i have always appreciated his hard work, and have felt guity for not working full time outside the home and getting a real paycheck. but hey, I did work hard, Ive certainly held up my end of the relationship by taking care of everything else. I ve ruined my back doing houscleaning. that was a flexible job that allowed me to be home when the kids got home from school.
I have the utmost respect and admiration for all of those mothers and women out there who work two jobs. one paid and the other not! especailly when they get sick! my goodness, I could have never shown up for work when I was having my endometreosis pain monthly, or when i had my surgeries. but many women go to work sick.
this man has meals ready for him every day, home cooked. I cook pretty good he has no complaints. i was a good mom, he knows it, his home is clean, his bills are all paid, we have nearly no debt, and a perfect credit score. i never waste money, and always discuss everything with him. hes got it made.
and i ownmylife, you made me laugh, manipulate? i dont need to manipulate anyone, Im not prevented from doing what i want. and , Im arm candy to this man, when guys at work used to see me with him they thought i was his daughter. my husband looks ten years older than he is.hes overweight, me not so much, maybe a little ,im a size 8 or 10 dont know, but not the 7 i used to be . but im 52 and its harder to loose the weight now.
of course lol, hair dye does wonders.
he knows he could not find a woman like me, thats why in a panic after seeing those homely poor deperate women who replied to his on line dating sites, he contacted me, by email and begged me to forgive him. then a few weeks later after i moved back home,
he showed me the women who replied to his profile and they were what he considered 'ugly and fat'
yea the idiot nearly lost his perfect for him wife.
yet he abuses this privlaige by taking advantage of my loyalty. he knows i was a good JW wife. after is three month good behavior,
hes gone back on all his promises he made to me when we got back together.
what he isnt , is my freind ,or my lover. we have no affection or love. Im simply his companion.
he doesnt include me in his plans. im an after thought. right now hes in the garage probably sleeping on the bench becasue he drinks till he falls asleep.
where would I go if i chose to leave? to live in my daughters basement? and that is why I stay here,
because im at least not living in a basement with 6 cats, or in a govt subsidized apartment next to a young mother with 3 noisy kids.
thanks all for letting me vent by the way.
good night all.
Well you sound like you feel a bit better and like you have a lot of energy! I like to make people laugh
Marina
Like someone already said get with your sister if she's a go getter and move on. Getting divorced in the states most states he will have to give you half unless he can prove you did nothing. So get out take the money and have the best life you can. And get yourself some help, to end up like this you must have some issues that you need to overcome, but thats Ok we all have issues that we need to work on.
well , now im going to be out of his hair so he can drink his beer in the house instead of out in the garage. and watch his rated R man movies.
Sounds here like he doesn't drink beer in the house when you are there, but rather he drinks in the garage. Sounds here like he doesn't watch his rated R man movies when you are home. Sounds to me like you do get your way some of the time.
At 52 your life is not over. I am 56 and my life is not over. Your husband can't keep you from doing nice things for people if you can use all your faculties and drive a car. You can be charming and pleasant, while being assertive.
sowhatnow - Don't try to convince or defend yourself about the hard work you've done running a home, raising children. A REAL MAN (and there's some real men among educated lawyers/judges who will protect your rights) would be sick at some loser telling you otherwise - go to an attorney and find out REALITY! Even if you were a slug and ate bon bons all day you are entitled to one half - it's the law! Running a home is a major job -- that house is yours, too, and you're quite an obedient wife --- OMG! Just because he holds down a job doesn't make him a husband. He's not providing for your needs - welfare provides shelter and food for women/children!
You are quite the survivor!
