can an unhappy married woman vent?

by sowhatnow 45 Replies latest social relationships

FlyingHighNow

now im running out of strength, i dont have it in me physically to work a 40 hour work week.

It's difficult to find a 40 hour work week anyway, unless you can do basic factory work or call center work. If there is a Costco near you, consider applying for CDS, the company Club Demonstration Services. CDSJobs.com. It is part time, but pays much better than minimum wage. The work is not hard. There are people in their 70s and 80s doing it. It's about preparing samples to talk about and serve to people, or talking about a coffee maker or vacuum sealer, etc. There is no handling of cash or the need to be lightening fast. It's a form of marketing, really, making up your own infommercial everyday.

I have been where you are and I can tell you that if there is no hope to improve things with your husband--if you want to leave and be on your own, I have some tips for you. You don't have to follow any of my suggestions. They are only tips. The alanon tip comes from a friend whose husband was an addict/alcoholic.

1. Eat healthy, exercise, get enough sleep.

2. Get some counseling or self help for anxiety. Anxiety can rob you of any energy and/or zest for life. It can make you so sick you can't function, emotionally, mentally or physically. Many current and ex jws suffer with it. They think it is depression, but once they learn to cope with it and control it, magically, the depression is a thing of the past. It's something to do for yourself that can take a lot of weight off you, so your load is much lighter. Consider Alanon for you. Your husband won't do AA, but you can get help for you.

3. Get enrolled in some kind of schooling or job training BEFORE you leave. 4. Get a job and save some money, BEFORE you leave. Then you will have money to pay for deposits and rent, etc.

4. Work on your personal credit score.

5. Remember that you are not alone. Many couples of your age and marriage duration are more like friends or room mates, with a heavy obligation not to date. It's time to take care of your mundane things you already do, but then concentrate on you and what makes life fulfilling for you. YOU, not you as part of a marriage or dating couple, are important.

6. On the subject of future dating. Dating is not simple. It is a thing that can super complicate your life. Getting on your feet, taking care of you and getting all of your ions back in sync, first, may open the way someday for divorce and moving on to a new chapter in your life and who knows, maybe meeting a nice fellow to have some romance with.
Aby

Hello there. I so feel for you, and like many of the comments here, I too can relate to your experience. A few have said you're depressed, and as a sufferer myself, I believe they are probably right. Do go talk to someone, or your doctor about it. That would be the first step, I think,in helping yourself. And just take one step at a time, and take it slowly. And by the way, thank you. You have helped me, and the other comments here, by reminding me I'm not alone and thatis a big comfort.
sowhatnow

well tonight was typical of how my husband continues to keep himself from being a normal loving human.

my daughter had a dinner tonight, and she invited us over a week ago. i told her wed be there,

well, my husband does not enjoy going to peoples homes for dinner , he will make any excuse to not go.

todays? 'i work all week including saturday, i want sunday to watch the game and just relax'. he relaxes every day from 9am to 2 pm till he goes to work.

i called my daughter and told her , you dad doesnt want to come, hes tired and wants to stay home and relax.

she texted him not letting him know i told her that, and asked him if he invited his brother [who stopped by to look at a computer , a man we see once a year at best] to see what he would reply back.

well when he told her he wasnt going they must have had words.

so as usual i went over alone.

when i got ot her house she said shes not talking to him anymore, and isnt coming over on christmas day for dinner.

so not only has he not , as usual considered her feelings, nor mine, nor his grandchilds, he doesnt care that now he has ruined my dinner.

hes alienated his own brothers and sisters as well he never sees them or makes any effort to call them.

he is very selfish, and i dont understand why. he has no reason to be.

if he askes me to go anywhere with him, i go. I go because i consider his feelings. hes my husband and its normal to be with the one yur supposed to love if the want your company. I dont really mind ,

but If I ask him to go anywhere with me [which after only 3 i learned never to ask] he makes any escuse, or comes right out ans says no I dont want to. if he does go with me anyplace he makes it painfully obviouse hes simply tolerating it.

Im clueless. when we had a serious talk after we got back together after our seperation two years ago, he told me that he finds me ' attractive'

more so than most women, and its not me , bla bla, [as to why he cant perform, its him getting older and he cant make 'it work' ]

no its beer, its killed it, and put weight on him.

this is all his excuse to avoid telling me the truth. which i have no idea what that is. he NEVER talks about anything that bothers him

well, so im 'attractive', and he has no desire for me? . hmm. funny the bottle of personal lubricant is almost empty, and i havent used it.

is that a nice way of telling me im not pretty or cute to him? well, ok then why ask for my forgivness?

my daughter told me 'dads selfish, everybody works we take time out for those we care about'

shes seen him so drunk last year at a picnic she held at her place, that he fell asleep on the ground in front of everyone.

i saw him arrive drunk,[ i had food to deliver earlier] and i immediately left. ruined my day and made himself a spectical.

i said to her, 'well he cant come over your house watch what he wants and drink beer till he falls asleep'

thats what he does every saturday and sunday and any day he has off.

i have tried to be the perfect wife. anyone who knows me knows that i am as close to one as can be. he always gets his way, i try not to get into any disagreements with him, i let him sleep alone , i have stopped asking for sex months ago, i try to avoid spending more money that I have to.

the house is clean, meals are cooked, apointments are made, clothes are washed, ect. all he has ever needed to do was go to work,

which yes is a hard job, i dont deny it, and he does good work, hes saved us thousands on auto repairs and home repairs, he can do almost anything.

but hes aways avoided being with me my family, and freinds.

I think hes bitter , for two reasons, one , he feels he was 'trapped' into marrying me after i got pregnant, then persuaded to be a jw, which made him loose any and all future freinds [not that hed have had any good ones thats for sure]

then when he did have the chance to divorce me, he caved because his new relationship wasnt going to work out, the lonliness and regret made his second guess his feelings, as of course did I, and being a forgiving person that i am I gave him yet the 500th chance to prove he can be a loving husband.

so for two months maybe four we lived sort of like a normal couple, having sex, going out to dinner, watching movies together.

but that was about it, he still wouldnt go visit anyone with me.

and here we are three years later right back where we were 10 years [or three] ago.

now i have three more doctors to go to and make sure i am 'healthy'

my lowere back mri showed nothing, my foot mri showed nothing, the pain i have seems to be emotional.

a good massage would help, and Im not getting that, lol

and right now my mom is preaching to me, and she told me now my dad again yes, againwent into the emergency room.

so im out, lol
cultBgone

I was in a bad relationship many moons ago and continually vented about the boyfriend to my best friend. I think I wanted her to be as mad at him as me and to condemn him so I would somehow feel better. Eventually, she was a good enough friend to tell me that I needed to stop complaining and make a decision. She was right. I was allowing myself to be stuck in a rut because I was too scared to take the first step in changing things.

Change is hard and it can be scary. But the alternative is to stay stuck and miserable. So perhaps it would be good for you to start writing an action plan of how to improve your life. After all, it sounds as if he's not going to change and if he makes everyone else miserable, you have no duty to be his doormat. Instead of seeing all the reasons you can't get out, try inventing ways that you can. Lots of good advice about jobs and opening your own bank account, and I know there is something you're good at that might help you connect with a job. Think outside the box. Maybe learn medical transcription or something else you can do from home. Don't worry about the car, it's going to have the same mileage whether you stay or you go.

The worst that can happen is that you will be in the same position thus time next year. And you've got this large group of folks here for support!
smiddy

sowhatnow

I dont mean to be cruel or unkind here , however your over 50 ? and you are still living with this poor excuse for a man ? who you say you dont love , and obviously he doesnt love you , so why put up with this situation for so long ?

Their are plenty of organisations that help people in situations like yours to make a new start , but you have to have the guts to make that break , or do you want to keep living as you are and moan about it all the time .Playing the martyr game .

You only live once , do you want to enjoy the rest of whats left of your life ? by making a new start ? or do you want to wallow in self pity for the rest of your life , and be miserable.

The choice is yours , choose wisely.

smiddy
FlyingHighNow

Read my last post again. It is up to you now to do something. You're letting anxiety rob you of any energy or strength to act on your own behalf. For one thing, stop wasting energy expecting him to behave any certain way. Just go on and do the things you're invited to do. It's time to love yourself enough to take some of that energy you are putting into being a perfect wife and prepare to take care of you. Once you accept that he is who he is and isn't going to change, it will help you. Do what you have to do as a wife and nothing extra.
LisaRose

Your husband is an alcoholic, I don't think there is a marriage to save, he is married to the bottle. Time to kick him to the curb and get on with your life. He sounds like my first husband. I stuck it out for 28 years, mostly because I was JW and thought I was stuck. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did in my life. I had gotten so used to it I didn't realize how much it was affecting me. He wasn't evil, just a self centered user who didn't know how to play well in the sandbox. I did everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, even though I worked full time. He never said anything nice, we were basically roommates, we didn't even watch TV together. He holed up in his den with his beer, tv and computer, that was his life.

So finally I get up the courage to get a divorce and he is moving out. He had given me the flu and I was really sick the day he left. I am laying there with a temp of 103 and he comes up to me and says "there are no clean towels!". I lifted my head andjust looked at him. So he says "what will I use this dry myself off with?". That's how big of a baby he was, and it was partially my fault because I stayed and took it, and didn't demand he be better (good little JW wife I was). He never owned up to anything, it was all someone else's fault. I married someone else, so he refers to me (to our children) as "your mother, the whore", classy, right? They can't stand him either. Don't waste another minute on this loser.
Quandry

Hey! Life is not over!

When I got out of the JW organization I determined to try to get back some of the thirty plus years I was in. I went to school in earnest-got a degree at 61. I am now an elementary school teacher. I work my a$$ off but am my own person.

YOU can do it too! If you just don't want to work, get involved in activities in a volunteer aspect. FIND a group and attach yourself.

You cannot depend on this man for your happiness. Don't make excuses for him, and don't let him dictate your happiness. Make your own. Let him stay home and stew alone....
MissFit

Hi whatnow, welcome.
I read your OP and just wanted to check on you to see how you are doing.
It is a new year now. Time for a fresh start. I hope things are looking up for you. Hang in there.
MissFit
sowhatnow

well, Im simply using what free time i have right now for research , and maybe learn a thing or two.
and i want to use some of his income, lol, to do some visiting relatives and friends, im planning to go to Virginia beach to visit a friend and Florida to visit a relative who is old, and has lots of photos i want to get recorded. when i get all my running around out of the way I hope to find the chance to meet people. this monday night I plan to go to my very first township board meeting. maybe ill find it fulfilling, id like to voice my concerns for we taxpayers.
i have to be prepared though, to flee that is. lol, I think Im halfway there. got some stuff sorted out and packed .
its hard though, hes so clueless. and After being married for so long do have feelings for his welfare.
plus, its not easy to give up comfortable living , future retirement income, and not working a 40 hour week has always been favorable for my random health issues.
but I have to look at it this way, If Im no longer cleaning this house and taking care of kids, I should have the energy to work 40 hours.
thanks all. ill keep in touch.

can an unhappy married woman vent?

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