by sowhatnow 45 Replies latest social relationships
I too was married to an alcoholic for about 10 years. its no way to live. It takes some planning and help to get out but you can start over.
Ensure you have a separate bank account that you put money into on a regular basis that he can't touch before you decide to leave.
Keep your head up and work towards leaving him because I guarantee you he is not going to change. Even if he does go for help he is facing a lifetime of recovery and there will be times that he "falls off the wagon".
hey its my update. I left and moved into a place of my own. i packed up my car, left the house and never went back.
I like my new place, its only two miles from where I lived. i really miss my cats though.
within two weeks, my soon to be x husband [ I filed] ] had taken everything he did
not want that i left there for him to use, and gave it to my daughter
to give to me. i hear hes rearranged the whole house.
the small amount of alimony isn't going to cut it. barely pays my rent.
. now I have to find suitable work. and where i love its all healthcare and retail.
I have no ged or diploma, never got one i got married.
I figured back then, like all of us did, hey God will take care of me. and things were fine for a little while. i never was in need in a material way.
and if i wanted to stay in an unloving marriage sleeping alone wasting hours pulling weeds and cooking dinners for a man who spent zero time with me, and got drunk every weekend, while i stayed out of the house till he fell asleep, then things would still be great. I would be getting a brand new car in 3 years. whoopdi do, heres your reward for sleeping alone being alone going everywhere alone, and slaving for a selfish person
a brand new car ! ugg. thats how some men show appreciation, with things. things are great but I want a husband who loves me, and shows it physically. being present with me! at the family picnic, at the weddings at the school orchestra concerts. at the ball game. doesn't every woman?
well, wish me luck, as a jw all my adult life, stay at home mom, and married from age 19, I have zero work place skills, and not the energy or funds to start all over. all I can apply for is cleaning type jobs, and with my back the way it is going I have to be very careful what i do. I worked cleaning for 5 hours the other day, and im still recuperating. my neck is killing me. Im 52 yrs old, Im not able to pull of an 8 hour shift anywhere.
I need to share my life with someone. so i got on a dating site. went on one date, i had to tell him so and he was pretty disappointed. he really liked me. but being a jw all my life i have no desire to be with a smoker, and he told me he did not, but he did. he was 7 years older too that sort of was not too great.
then id get messages, and id reply why i felt they did not meet my needs, a couple sore losers replied with berating comments
like, 'oh you have no education all you were was a 'lazy' housewife, living off a mans money,
your lucky to have been married that long'
bla bla. they have no idea how hard i worked or how my husband was. do i need that aggravation?
wow, girls, lets get that one and show him a thing or two. hes an a@@ . he things a clean house is easy?
so all men think that if you don't have a degree, and a big income, your worthless? whats this mentality that will not go away on this planet? I am by no means lazy or stupid. degree ged or not. im not 15.
hmm i thought having someone with you was a good thing.
So, How the hell are we supposed to meet people when we work alone?
I have cleaning jobs. no one is around. all the better dating sites want you to be legally divorced before you go on them. well its going to take 4 months before the paperwork gets mailed out, pa makes you wait 91 days before you file the second papers. so i cant even date? it takes a while to find someone special, im supposed to wait again? really?
grr.
Hi, sowhatnow. I remember this post from 4 months ago and I'm glad to see that you are making progress. What broke my heart was when you said you miss your cats. :(
However, so much has happened to you in such a short period of time that I can hardly believe it! A new apartment! Alimony! Dating!
I read through the entire thread again and what I noticed most is your change in outlook. Your old posts were very pessimistic, but this last post has you sounding much more optimistic. It's so much easier to get through the day from a position of optimism.
I think now that you have all your time to yourself that you'll be able to find things that interest you. Just try everything! You'll dislike some of it, but it takes lots of exploring to find yourself. This is what most people do in adolesence and young adulthood, but you had this stolen from you. Do it now. Do it bravely. You will eventually find a stable sense of self.
You are so very brave! Congratulations on your new start in life!
GrreatTeacher
I am glad you are doing OK and moving on with your life. I personally think it would be better to put off dating for now. You need to work on you first and you don't want to marry somebody just for financial security, otherwise you may find yourself in the samesituation five years down the road.
I know it seems difficult, but there are jobs out there, even if you are older, have health issues and don't have an education. If you check around there may be programs out there to help women in your situation, check with the unemployment office or women's shelters. Maybe you can't do full time, but even part-time work could help. Having a job will make you feel more confident and better about yourself and that will make it easier to find the right kind of guy when you are ready.
Sowhatnow,
After having read your situation, I feel as though my marital issues are nothing. Venting helps, so we are here to read on.
Well, there is some consolation in the fact that women outlive men for the most part. Take good care of yourself in hopes that he will croak first and then you will enjoy some years doing what you please after that.
SL
Sowhatnow,
It takes a lot of courage to try to start over so my hat is off to you.
I just wanted to comment on the alimony situation.
I dont know what state you are in but if it is a community property state, you own half of the marital assets. That means half the value of the home, the cars, the retirement plan at his job etc.
If he wants to keep the home, he has to give you half the value. Its pretty simple.
I dont know his age but you are also entitled to half of his social security under some terms.
The local community colleges have programs for women finding themselves in the work force unexpectedly after many years also.
I too will be following your posts and I am wishing you all the best.
