Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread (page 4)

Simon

Now we're really intrigued Seven...what was it??

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are.....very slowly?"

The clerk leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiiing
**********************************************************************

Subject: Little kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out,and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, " you've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid
says, "A circumcision. The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

Edited by - waiting on 5 March 2001 13:20:18

peaceloveharmony

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs to her husband,
"Harry, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! No shit? What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"

waiting

Love, Lust, And Marriage - Generally speaking, of course.

*LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
*LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
*MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

*LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
*LUST - all other times.
*MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?

*LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
*LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
*MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.

*LOVE - when you share everything you own.
*LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
*MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.

*LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
*LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
*MARRIAGE - what's a climax?

*LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
*LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
*MARRIAGE - when all you write is checks.

*LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
*LUST - when you couldn't give a crap.
*MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.

*LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
*LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
*MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.

*LOVE - when your heart flutters everytime you see them.
*LUST - when your groin twitches everytime you see them.
*MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties everytime you see them.

*LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
*LUST - when it's just the same mushy old crap.
*MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.

*LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
*LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
*MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.

unclebruce

ROTFL 7of9!

I love visual, non verbal humour. (my father and uncles were expert at it and they'd have all sorts of practical jokes going at the same time with barely a word spoken) Silly things like once I was sitting between my father and uncle driving along in a truck. Dad was driving, uncle gives me a wink and slowly winds his window down. I glance at Dad and see he is going red and starting to freeze as the cold air scoots around the back window and hits the back of his head from uncle Lyles window. A few minutes later Dad very slowly winds up his window. Another minute goes by and uncle Lyle suddenly winds his up very fast. After another minute or so Dad, with a broad grin on his face slowly winds his up.

silent victories are the best, cheers unclebruce.

PS: I'll show the misses that photo and am thinking of making one of those for the tourists to this place. ;)

Edited by - unclebruce on 6 March 2001 19:14:55

Seven

"Top of the world!!"

Seven

Unc, LOL Very funny story about your father and uncle.

waiting

A BOOB POEM

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched, mangled,
>From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up anddown,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst inthere,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

The chuckle is provided by Jan Groenfeld.

Seven

*

waiting

Hey Seven,

You always have the greatest pictures!

Joke sent to me by Alma Miranda - nice woman way up in Cold Country.
********************************************************************
Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail
dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer
and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a
nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or
so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The
woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back
of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from
the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is
so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of
her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back
to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there
'Hind Lick manoeuvre', but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

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