Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

by Seven 305 Replies latest social humour

waiting

Howdy Cowboy!
Thanks for the joke - love this thread. Have you noticed that we all get along in here - and I don't get along with everyone. Even if your joke happens to be a repeat - no big deal. We just like to chuckle anyway.
Liked your comments on cow/pig AI (not the movie).
The next joke is for Hawkaw (he has the research thread on Joseph Priestley going on). Priestley was a scientist "slightly" misquoted by the WTBTS to back up their stance on non-blood. He was also the founder of the Unitarian Church. Hopefully, it's the same church as my subject joke?
*********************************************
You might be a Unitarian Universalist if . . .
. . . you thought Rush Limbaugh was a big fat idiot even before the book came out.
. . . you address prayers "To Whom it May Concern":
. . . you gave more money to the Sierra Club last year than you spent on your mother at Christmas.
. . . you think of the "Ten Commandments" as the "ten suggestions."
. . . you are uncertain about the gender of God.
. . . you might be related to Richard Nixon but your family is paying to have it hushed up.
. . . you get dressed for a formal evening out and you wear a little black dress, pearls, and Birkenstocks.
. . . you've actually been in a discussion about whether or not breast milk is vegan.
. . . you have big dental bills from grinding your teeth while arguing that the ACLU was correct for defending the KKK's right to march.
. . . you gave up pot in the 70s because nobody could guarantee it was organic.
. . . the most religious thing you do is face the sunrise and drink coffee.
. . . the vanity plate on your pickup reads "Thoreau."
. . . you think the real trinity is "Reduce, Reuse and Recycle."
. . . you would rather talk about heaven than go to heaven.
. . . on Sunday morning you'd really rather stay home with a cup of coffee and the New York Times but you go to church for fear you'll miss something interesting.
Till next chuckle.......
waiting
hawkaw

Hey W,
....you think the real trinity is "Reduce, Reuse and Recycle
....you might be related to Richard Nixon but your family is paying to have it hushed up
ROTFLMAO!!!!
hawk
seedy3

Ok for all those strugling with the English language, here is the reason why.
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in
Eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
That you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed
to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly
Or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens
or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Seven

He Said ----She Said
====================
He said...I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted
to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me
everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
He said... What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do,
leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an
orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said..."Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
Welcome to the board, seedy3.
waiting, The "*" I use is to be sure the link works in posts with just pics and no text.
waiting

Howdy 7 - missin' our chats. How's the suntan coming along?
This was put up by Nicolau - hope he doesn't mind me snagging it from him.
******************************************************************
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
(Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.)
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
USA: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canada: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
USA: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!!!
Canada: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
**********************************************************************
With all the America friendly bashing going on - doesn't this just sound like someone in our military?
waiting
Caole

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle
jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before,
you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Caole

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Caole

And just to be fair....
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...you know, woman to woman."
Caole

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering."I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
Kismet

One day, Jed left his country home to visit the big city of Chicago. As he sat at a bar, a Chinese man came up to him and asked: "Do you like riddles?"
Jed replied: "Boy, I sure do!"
So the Chinese man asked: "My mother and father had a baby, it wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister, who was it?"
Jed sat there and scratched his head and for the life of him, couldn't figure it out. So he says: "I give up, who was it?".
The Chinese man replied, "It was me you dummy!"
Jed couldn't wait until he returned back home to try this riddle out on his friends. One evening, Jed, Kirsty and Lyn were sitting down having some moonshine, when Jed said: "Hey guys, I've got a riddle for you. My mother and father had a baby, it wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister, who was it?"
Lyn blurted out: "It was you, dummy!" Jed replied: "No you idiot, it was some Chinese guy in Chicago!"

Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

Share this