Dear gb,
Oh, but I have been to your site since my last post here. I find it intreguing. Dispite all your suffereing, you maintain a sense of humor!
Your childhood is so much like my own. I grew up in Maryland. Most of the childhood I remember is when we lived in the old four room tenant house on my dad's parents dairy farm. We had no running water, and no bath. We had electricity, but only one outlet per room. We had the same type of heating arrangement you did. KEEP FROM FREEZING, and that was it. I still remember, the snow sifting in under our bedroom windows.I remember carrying water from the springhouse, usually after a frightening experience with the snake that always seemed to be there, when it was my turn to draw it up.Sled riding, climbing trees, building forts, hunting for blackberries was a delight. Those days were so simple....
My father could have done better by my mom, but he was very much into himself. I never had a relationship with him, although I always tried my best to get his attention in good ways. I studied hard in school, and was a good girl. It made little or no impression upon him. He was not a hands on dad to his daughters, and we all did what we had to just to get him to "see" us. I had two younger sisters and a brother. Our happiest memories are from that old tenant house, that was torn down a couple years ago. I really can't blame my mom for clinging to some nice people who did so much for us. Everything was quite fine, until we were baptized. Everything was about numbers after that.
Things were not normal in our family, but then who's is? Children seem to perceive things that carry with them their entire life. Cognition ingrains our minds, and so we are molded. When mom found JW's, or shall I say, they found us, she was like a sponge, and I eagerly followed along. My sibblings had to go as well, because, our dad never was there for us. I often wonder what our life would have been like, had he played a bigger part. Oh well.
First of all, life is unfair. I didn't realize that so much until I became a JW at age 14. I grew up on fairytales and fantasies, and always thought that if I was a good girl, that good things would happen to me. I kept waiting for the good things, and was constantly disappointed. I was lonely and sad most of the time. I was always a very deep thinker, and the more I pondered over "the truth", the more I realized that "it just wasn't". That was one of the most cruelest things I learned.
I took "the truth" seriously. Was I not meant to do that? Others that I know were not affected as deeply. Does that mean that they were not as serious as I was? Who knows. When I was disfellowshipped in '68, I wanted to kill myself, but I couldn't. I clung to the boy who showed me what womanhood was all about. (I didn't have barely a clue) Then, we got married and I had a son. I thought at last I've done something right. Actually, he is doing quite well now, at age 32. My first husband chose suicide as his exit. That is a terrible wound to my heart that will always be there.
I remarried a wonderful man with three boys to care for. They are all grown now, and grandkids are happening, which is great. He has been very supportive through my ups and downs, as I have with him. Everyone has these weights they drag with them through life.
Well, you see, we are really not so different after all. When I say that I don't judge people, it means that I leave them to themselves, unless they get in my face. I have no problem taking up for a good cause, but don't like to push the issue myself. I don't react well when cornered. Smile ~~
I find that the ole golden rule works well for me. I'm done with turning the other cheek!
Thanks for your personal site. I enjoyed your thoughts.
Hope to see you again here.
Friend,
Karen/Sentinel
