by Perfection Seeker 33 Replies latest social relationships
Eye, Thats so sad. You cried!!! Oh no...
Imbue,
Oh, We were all pretty drunk. She brought up something from the past and I kind of finished the story without even thinking. "Yeah, I remember when we and you" and so on. Not giving details, Im not that vulger, but enough to get his wheels turning.
http://www.theonion.com/onion3510/awkward_sex_encounter.html
CHARLESTON, SCJohn and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."
| Above: Newlywed Christians John and Linda McCue. |
"I'm so glad we waited until we got marriedit made it so much more special," said the 26-year-old Linda, who is "pretty sure" John's penis penetrated her vaginal opening during the brief, fumbling lovemaking session. "I can't imagine what a letdown our first sexual experience would have been if we'd done it at some point during our five years of dating."
John, 27, agreed. "As I prepared, sweat-drenched and terror-struck, to insert my semi-erect penis into my petrified new bride, I couldn't help but think what a precious, magical moment it was. Then, as Linda started to cry out from the anticipation of pain from the first-ever breaching of her tightly constricted vaginal walls, a tear of joy streamed down my cheek."
According to the devout Lutherans, after retiring to their bridal suite at the Charleston Marriott East, Linda decided to initiate the evening of romance and dread by excusing herself to the bathroom, where she spent "approximately an hour" changing into the floor-length cotton nightgown she had purchased especially for the occasion.
Recalled John: "When I saw Linda emerge from the bathroom, a vision in billowing, opaque cloth, her head and hands peeking tantalizingly from the tight collar and cuffs, the moment we first fell in love came rushing back to me in a wave of adoration and fear."
After an estimated 45 minutes spent in prayer and devotionals to ensure the smoothest possible act of coitus, John made sure the windows and doors were all securely locked, and that all windowshades and blinds were closed. He then reached to his nightstand to turn out the lights "to contribute to the feeling of romance" and "because Linda refused to let me touch her nightgown until the room was completely dark."
Trembling in giddy anticipation and fright, the longtime couple climbed under the sheets and blankets, where John took his place on top of his blushing, sobbing bride.
"As with millions of young newlyweds who haven't yet had sex," John said, "there was some nervousness and confusion at first. But after a couple of minutes, we figured out that it would be easier if Linda separated her legs to facilitate entry."
Penile insertion was somewhat complicated by John's refusal to assist the navigation process by touching himselfan act the Bible strictly prohibitsbut a few more minutes of unsteady shifting and jabbing enabled his penis to "almost certainly" enter Linda.
Having at last achieved probable sexual congress, the couple was brought to new heights of nervous, clumsy passion. "As I ran my trembling hands over John's rigid shoulders," Linda said, "I said a prayer thanking our Lord Jesus for giving us the strength to wait for this wonderful, fulfilling moment. It certainly was every bit as special as I'd hoped."
Added Linda: "I'm sure the first time isn't anywhere near as magical for all those young people who don't save themselves for marriage. Now I know why God wanted us to wait."
As the sexual act wore on, Linda said it grew gloriously tolerable, describing the experience as "endurable beyond my wildest dreams."
"Toward the end," she said, "I was almost relaxed enough to enjoy myself, and then, of course, John ejaculated." Linda declined to elaborate on her new husband's sexual climax, but said, "I can definitely say that the encounter, which yesterday would have been an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God, was noticeably pleasurable, and probably even somewhat erotic in nature."
John agreed wholeheartedly, calling their wedding-night union "the most exciting minutes of my life." Immediately after finishing, the newlyweds took turns showering.
As for the future of the couple's sex life, John said he is full of hope. "I'd like to maybe try actually touching Linda's vagina with my hand at some point," he said. "Then again, I don't want to rush things. Also, I've heard that the vagina kind of smells bad."
"I certainly hope the Lord will now bless us with a child after this wonderful night," Linda said. "If not, we may be forced to repeat this beautiful experience."
Edited by - Elsewhere on 1 July 2002 20:44:19
(From The Onion)
NASHUA, NHPastor Bob Snowdon, of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in Nashua, is a man of deep religious and moral convictions. He derives great satisfaction from his various parish dutiesreciting the liturgy, giving holy communion, and performing the sacrament of baptism. But nothing delights him quite like his favorite activity of all: fucking Emily Snowdon, his holy-wedded wife of 19 years.
| Above: Pastor Bob Snowdon. |
"The Holy Bible sanctifies the bond between a man and a woman in matrimony as a sacred union," Snowdon said. "And there is nothing so smiled upon by our Lord than the love and caring that is shared when a man fucks his lawfully wedded bride. Just thinking about it makes me want to zip home for a few minutes and fuck Emily right now."
According to the 53-year-old "Pastor Bob," even though he typically fucks his wife twice each morning, he still very much looks forward to fucking her again when he gets home.
"After a long, hard day of worshiping in the house of our Lord, tending to the emotional needs of my parishioners, and visiting the sick and elderly so that they too might know in their hearts the light of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ," Snowdon said, "there is nothing in this world I enjoy more than coming home and fucking the red out of my wife's hair. I love to give it to her any way she wants it, as hard as she can take it. My favorite is when she climbs on top and jerks her hips up and down on me as she fucks."
What's more, it seems that Emily enjoys the fucking almost as much as her husband. "I've got to admit it," she said, "I love to get fucked."
Emily stressed, however, that the sort of wild fucking in which she and her husband regularly partake is only acceptable when performed within the confines of a church-sanctioned marriage. "I am saddened, deeply saddened, when I hear of the young girls of today, engaging in sexual activities such as heavy petting or necking before they are wedlock-bound," she said. "It is so sad to see the beauty and purity of the act of fucking despoiled by this sort of premarital impropriety. If only these young girls would wait until they have taken the marriage vows and then, and only then, start fucking like there was no tomorrow."
According to Snowdon, some of his favorite places to fuck his wife include the pantry, shower, woodshed, basement laundry-room area, living-room sofa, and even, he added with a sly wink, the bedroom. "All of our children are grown now and have families of their own, God bless them," he said, "so we can pretty much fuck anywhere we please in the whole darn house."
So enamored is he of his wife-fucking hobby, Snowdon said he would recommend fucking to just about anyone. "So long as the fucking is done within the sacred bond of matrimony, I say, 'Fuck away.'" Snowdon said. "But if you're not married, please, whatever you do, don't fuck anybody. An eternity of sin and punishment await those who fuck without church sanction."
Though fucking has been a lifelong interest for Snowdon, he stressed that he had faithfully abstained from sex and resisted the intense urge to fuck women until his bond with Emily was formally cemented with marital vows before the eyes of God 19 years ago.
"Naturally, before my marriage, I wanted to fuck other women: Sally Lindemier, my senior-year prom date; Susan Helgstrom, the receptionist at my parents' church; even Sheila Bernhauser, my old Bible-study teacher. I would have gladly fucked any one of those lovely, God-fearing women. Yet I knew that my fuck-urges were impure and sinful, and that it was my duty as a Christian to resist them until the day of my wedding to my beloved Emily."
"But once I was married, my lust became sanctified in my heart and in the eyes of the Lord," he said. "And, from that day forth, I began fucking the holy heck out of my wife whenever and wherever I could, as often as possible. It is a practice I continue to this day."
"Emily is a good, kind, Christian woman," Snowdon added. "But let there be no mistake: She is also one furious fuck-mama, as well."
Pastor Bob and his wife both stressed that, of course, abortion is a terrible sin, as is homosexuality, group sex, anal sex, oral sex, phone sex, pornography, and all forms of contraception.
Sorry my virgin honeymoon story isn't funny ;)
We were both virgins married a bit after high school and our wedding night was incredible so no funnies here. The rest of the honeymoon wasn't bad either and still going strong. Sorry to dissapoint everyone who thought virgins and christians were all prudes.
HI! Hey- I never meant all christians were prudes- I just was commenting from personal experience, that I think witnesses who marry as virgins are usually niave- and don't know a whole lot- and the elders in our particular hall advised the young people to go home after the wedding, and rest, sleep together, but not engage in sex- wake up the next day- and do it rested, and not rushed. I have heard so many stories of women who didn't know how big a penis got- or what to expect, or a guy getting so excited- he just stuck it in & was done, or when the girl cried- he stopped, etc. I think "worldy" kids know more about sex before hand. I was totally blinded- my parents kept it all hidden. Just thought there might be more funny stories :-)
Well um... my husband tried to relax me after having explained what we were going to do physically. ( I nearly bolted out of the room but he ..stated we are not going to do that yet, you are too tense to try it.) He said lets try a relaxing masssage... (we had a vibrating bed in the room). Wellllll... it went haywire. The stupid bed would not stop... and after an hour of vibrating.. it got worse more chunky .. and banging against the wall ! I was waiting to see if the damned thing made it across the room. We could not get behind it to unplug it. AN finally we broke down and called the front desk.. we heard a HOWL of laughter. An the clerk say to someone beside him, : "Hey Herb, they gave that room to the HONEYMOONING couple! " Once they sent in the repairman and he left, we tried to relax again.
We finally got around to the sex part ( am not going to give the details. If you don't know by now.. then you will have to figure it out for yourself.) .. after we fell asleep. The next morning the Maid walked into our room (despite the do not disturb on the door) and caught us in the middle of .... I never moved so fast in my life ! Ran into the bathroom.. my husband was more non chalant than I about it. What got me was the Maid did not do a about face and leave. Apparently she was used to doing this or seeing someone in thier all together. My husband asked her to leave .. before she made mention if your g/friend needs anything personal items we have a pharmacy, I guess she saw blood on the sheet. An she finally left.
My husband he was not to happy b/c I was mortified. I put a halt to all sexual activities b/c I did not want someone walking in on us and every time I heard foot steps, I would freak out and break off any embrace.
My husband, called the front desk and inquired if the same maid cleaned the rooms on a daily basis. The answer was, yes. So my husband told them we are cutting our stay here short.. and made the arrangements to get some of the money back. ( We made other arrangements to stay @ a BB where we would not be disturbed ( my husband was determined for us to enjoy our honeymoon or die trying). So we got up early.. packed and left a nice note w/ wetted condoms ( we took them out of the foil and dipped them in water and I put lotion in a few...) and left them deposited around the room.. like by the dresser on the floor, on by the table, in the bathtub jacuzzi, in the shower, basically mined the place to look like we had sex every where in that room. After packing the car we hide around the corner as the maid entered the room. We heard her exclaim "HOLY....._________! damned sex crazied NEWLY WEDs!" and watched her put on the rubber gloves. We nearly died laughing .. and we snuck down the stairs and checked out. By the time we got the front desk .. the clerk apparently heard from maid (walkie talkies).
He kept looking at my husband then to me.. and could not stop from snickering. The times we returned to the area we honeymooned at .. I would always hope we would never run into that person who was the maid there. But then I was jaded enough to LAUGH about it.
Xandria
Lol @ the "used" condoms.... what a great story! hehehe......
Well, I eloped.
We went on what we'll call our "honeymoon" about a month later.
So my story isn't exactly a virgin one, but is a funny newlywed honeymoon story.
I'm not sure if i can explain this very well.
It was a road trip from Canada thru California, camping on the way. Fun.
During a couple days in LA, we stayed with some family of his.
(A little bizarre for a 'honeymoon', but whatever...).
I discovered that in my then-husband's close knit family like culture,
it is pretty normal for like 3 families to stay in one 2 bedroom apartment,
and then entertain visitors on top of that. That was quite an experience.
However, because we were The Newlyweds, they had this GIANT GUEST BED set up in the living
room and insisted on us sleeping there. "You are the newlyweds" they said, "You sleep here".
This was strange to me first of all because their were older people in the house that were sleeping on the floor, while 22 year old newlywed me was being forced to sleep on a cushy bed. Second of all because it wasn't like i was gonna need the bed for any newlywed type stuff with all those people around!
But it gets better...my MOTHER IN LAW ended up down there for a trip at the same time, WITH one of her teenage daughters (my sister-in-law). The two of them are put on the floor in the living room beside me and my new husbands giant-newlywed-guest-bed.
I'm like what kind of practical joke is this?
I'm like REALLY, we WON'T be needing the bed. LOL.
He actually thought something wuz gonna happen like he might be getting some action that night. I'm like "stay
away" (as in well away...more than arms length!!).
He didn't understand why i would feel uncomfortable getting frisky with him.
I'm like your mother and your little sister are sleeping right there!?!?!?!?!? Forget it!To this day that whole experience has me lmao.
SPAZ
Ohhh! Spaz perhaps he thought it was a spectator sport.. ? OMG! I would not be able to sleep comfortably at all. An let alone have him touch me at all with a sister or mom in the room.
When I visted my Aunt .. my sister had to share a room w/ my husband and I. She slept in the bed across from us in the room. It was awkard.. but she giggled at us. So I can relate.
Xandria
Not virginal, but a true story none the less:
On my wedding night, after my hubby chased down our bestman and ended up punching his lights out to get him back into the car he was surposed to take us to our hotel, he was too drunk so we took him and his girlfriend home to his parents house so they could deal with his drunkeness. HA!
We dicided not to go to the hotel but to our house where our "friends" had totally destroyed it thinking we would find this funny at 1 am.........we went to find a hotel now and EVERYTHING in three towns was booked up except we found a Travel Lodge on the corner of the busiest intersection in that town and across the street from a huge Babtist church.
Stage set......we were by no means virgins and yes we did get married in the KH! So here we are in the only room available which happens to be above the inntakers room, ugh! This was my first time staying in a hotel, yes at 17 years old my first time (I was a hotel virgin I guess) there were signs all over the room on every door, the closet door the door to the bathroom and the door going out of the room in huge letters CHECK OUT TIME 12:00 NOON! In big red letters! Man what happens if you're late? Do they shoot you or something, anyway a little to late and a little too much champagne it impressed on my mind.......
Oh the mushy stuff, my only comment was FINALLY!!! we don't have to sneek....we can lay in each others arms and just enjoy making love, and a crumby ceramony and a little piece of paper made it all ok, legal! What a crock!
Sleeping in in the morning........we hear this loud gong,gong,gong a never ending gong,gong,gong.....I jumped up outa bed running around the room looking for clothes, yelling at my hubby we have to go it's checkout time, he jumps up we throw on clothes, throw our stuff in suitcases and jump into our little VW bug and off we went down the highway where we see the time and temp sign bleeping 9:10 AfreakinM! It was the church bell ringing! We both looked at each other and started laughing so hard he had to pull over to the side of the road he couldn't drive. Humor saved our marriage for the next 30 years, he was a fun guy!
bc
"Life is like a ten speed bike, we all have gears we never use." Charles Shultz
