Well as you know unless you are an elders son or daughter generally JW's don't lift a finger to help all those ones feeling downtrodden and lonely. I felt like this from july 1994 to march 2000. I prayed to jehovah constantly for help to ease the loneliness, I begged the elders and even others. For a long time the only ones who would talk to me where the elderly ones(who I miss now since i left) I cried every night and felt after five years of being at meetings and feeling invisable (even though i was an auxillary pioneer) I decided that my life was worth fighting for. I never realised how down I got until I thought about taking my own life, if I'd of stayed at meetings i would have killed myself. one year on and I'm so completely content and happy, I have a partner who asks only for what i can give and now going to live with him in Mongolia. The feelings of guilt have left. I felt leaving was the only way I could lead a normal and happy life and was wondering if anyone else felt that way?????????
depression and why JW's don't reconize it
by nogs 44 Replies latest watchtower medical
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RedhorseWoman
The only time in my life that I was severely depressed and suffered from panic attacks was while I was an active Witness.
Like you, I asked for help from the elders, but received nothing. In fact, the "help" they gave me made things worse. Everything is so conditional when you're a Witness.
Since being out, I've finally felt happy and content in my life.
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nogs
All I wanted was to feel loved and have friends, when I went to one elder he had a wife and three kids, he gave the usual scriptures and told me to pray to Jehovah. that was it, he said I didn't put myself out enough but its not fair to just invite yourself to peoples houses you like to be asked, I was never invited to weddings although i was in it for ten years, in fact to be truthful I went to one wedding but that was because I was having a study with her. The elder should have lead by example he should have pulled me into his family, I'm sure if he'd of done that then It would have set the ball and others would do it. I always had this feeling they never liked me. Since I left last year the still knock on my door and hassle me to come back saying they miss me and want me to come back, but I know that the reason the call on me is because they can count ministry time, they look at there watch and leave after half an hour sad really. Thanks for your reply as I have always know most witnesses never leave because they want to be sinful but mainly because people a)ignore them b) Make them feel as though they are not good enough c) gossip about them spreading lies (which has happened to me, very hurtful) d) never have association. If the witnesses looked after the people they already have then they wouldn't lose them. I have never missed an memorial and this year will be the first one I miss if I don't go but I would feel so hypocritcal if I go as I have left Jehovah and Jesus now but I did ask for help so many times that eventiually i felt that because my prayers were unanswered I must not have gods appoval. Tell me about your situation Red horse woman
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RedhorseWoman
My situation was similar to yours, Nog. I was raised as a JW, and I spent most of my childhood alone. My father was not a JW, and worked long hours, and my mom didn't drive. There were no other JW kids in my immediate neighborhood, and worldly friends were, of course, discouraged, so I spent most of my time alone, when I wasn't at meetings or in field service.
Our congregation was rife with cliques, and only those with money were in the "in" group. As a result, I very seldom got invited anywhere.
I pioneered for about three years after High School--until my health fell apart. When I had to step down as a pioneer, the congregation was anything but supportive.
Several years later, I married a brother who was very new in the "truth", and within a couple of months after our marriage, he became very ill. I continued to attend meetings on my own, and frequently asked the elders to come and visit my husband because he was confined to the house and was getting very discouraged. No one came. No one sent cards. No one phoned.
Then, my husband's cousin mentioned to the elders that he had started smoking again. Almost immediately, we received a call from the elders threatening disfellowshipping. My husband met with them and asked them to study with him to try to build him up spiritually. They agreed, but never showed up. After about three weeks, one of the elders called and said he had "forgotten" about the study.
That episode, along with multitudinous other cruel and unchristian acts caused me to become pretty much inactive. I tried to go back on multiple occasions, but I would suffer panic attacks every time I went back (guess my body was trying to tell me something here).
After quite a few years of almost total inactivity, my husband and I decided to really try to reactivate ourselves. We had moved to a new town, and thought that it would be good to do so at a new congregation.
We began attending meetings and started a study with the elders. My husband, unfortunately, began asking too many questions, and the elders started getting nervous. My husband refused to accept the answer "you'll just have to accept this on faith until the light gets brighter". Once again, the issue of smoking came up, and my husband was given a 30-day ultimatum, which he didn't meet. There was a lot of deceit and lying that occurred during this process, and my husband was disfellowshipped.
That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. For years I had been troubled by the lack of love in the congregation and by the "class structure" and cliques. The hypocrisy, lies, and deceit that were evident in my husband's judicial committee proceedings just finished me off totally as far as the JWs were concerned.
I haven't been back in years, and I'm finally starting to feel good about myself, and to live.
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nogs
I tried to leave july 99 but they kept saying to me that i would put a death penalty on my duaghters life, it was hard, I love my little girl so I stuck with and got worse and worse still aux pioneering until I borrowed a large amount of money and moved 306 miles away to get away from them. I would be dead now, I would have killed myself. I decided that I would rather have one day of happiness than a lifetime of the life I had and since I left I am blessed to say I have had many happy days- good to know you have peace now love Naomi
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eyes_opened
Hey Nogs,
Welcome to the board! I'm sorry to hear about the depression that you have been dealing with :( I hope that things get better for you. I too had a terrible time with depression and panic attacks when I was an active Jehovahs Witness. I have been away for about 5 years now <Almost totally in the past year> and in the past six months or so since I have broken off completely from the organization and found this wonderful forum, my depression has almost completely lifted! I think in my case a great deal of the depression and panic came from the feeling that is generated at the Kindom Hall that nothing you do is ever enough! Whether they mean it intentionally or not they press people to do more than Jesus or the scriptures ever intended. There is always put forth the notion that there's always, always more that could be done...surely you can find more time somewhere to read, read and re-read a society publication? surely there's more time to go out in service? Saturday morning? Sunday afternoon? Evening witnessing? Informal witnessing? It is a virtual treadmill...mental and physical that so completely stressed me out there were many times I too considered suicide. And at the time I was so wrapped up in the religion I thought there was something wrong with ME..I never associated the depression with the religion. But you know what??? After being away for a while it finally dawned on me that it wasn't me that has the problem! I know that there are some folks who are clinically depressed and it is a serious illness requiring medication <my sister in law has manic depression and is only several medications> But in my case a GREAT deal of my emotional, and mental upset stemmed DIRECTLY from the great guilt machine also know as Jehovah's Witnesses. I'm not saying that I don't still get blue or stressed out every now and then, but it is SO much better, and that incredible weight that sat on my chest for so long has lifted! I know it is so very, very hard to leave something you have known your whole life,<I have been a Jehovah's Witness from the age of 3> something that you have been told for so many years is the absolute, only way to worship God. But it's not! There's a whole big beatiful world out there full of loving people who worship the creator in a myriad of ways. Leaving the watchtower for me has opened up a new chapter of my life, one where I'm no longer a prisoner mentally and spiritually, one where I am free to discuss what is really in my mind and heart. I wish you the best nogs and I look forward to reading your posts here on the board :)
{{{hugs}}}
Eyes
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Simon
I really feel for anyone suffering depression and feeling lonely - it really doesn't do anything to help being told that you're one of the happiest people in the world and being in an organisation that thrives on cliches.
I've had my down moments in the past but can honestly say that since I've left, I have never been happier. It's like a huge weight is lifted off you. I think it's important to back up a decision to leave though with thorough research otherwise you may be nagged by doubts of whether they are really right after all.
Do the research...get out...you will NOT regret it. -
nogs
Your right, but i didn't leave because I didn't believe in the bible, I left because the ppl made me ill, The day i left I handed in my field ministry report of 54 hours, up until the day I left I never missed a meeting, but I close to dying, my life full of guilt because I thought they must of something seriously wrong about me because noone helping me. My daughter goes to birthday parties now and has christmas, we haven't got to a tree yet but it harmless, probably won't bother when she gets older.
I just like to say how nice all your responses have been on this page, and hugs and kisses to all of you (esp. EYES)
Love Naomi
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nogs
well this is my story, up to now you have little snipets-
Both my dad and mum were brought up witnesses, they met and courted. My dad though unbeknowing to everyone was leading a double life, he was a reg pioneer but also he smoked (pot) and what else, you can guess that. He was put under alot of pressure to be baptised and pioneer from my Nanna (who has passed away now and who had brought many ppl into the JW organisation). Well my mum was regarded by my Nanna not good enough for my dad and they ran away to Gretna green to get married, when they came back they were disapproved of very much. He left and my mum struggled on bringing seven small kids to the meetings (all with bible names, me being the second youngest) she never had help, we never got invited to anything, so not only were we outcasts at school because of the JW's we were outcasts in the JW's as well, We all got bullied at school and at the meetings too, it got to my mum and we all stopped going when i was about ten. We moved house when I was fourteen and I had always loved reading the bible book of stories, we were contacted by the witnesses at our new address and they invited us to the meetings in which I went to on my own, curious and still in fear of dying at armageddon. Thats when I started regularly going, and I fell in love with a young brother , we started courting when we wee both 17 and courted for a year, even got engaged.We were both in the same congregation and many didn't think I was good enough for him which in turn broke us up. He got all the support and i was left, you see he'd tell ppl that if I was invited then he wouldn't go and because they wanted him there then me I was just cut off, that started my depression and unable to cope with I ran away to London which was were I met an australian alled Paul, I needed a friend and he listened to me without predjudice, our friendship deepened until we made love, but I couldn't relax all the way through as I felt I weas sinning and they day afterwards I ran away home again. I started going back to meetings again and a month later found out I was pregnant, I wasn't baptised but I had a judicial commitee meeting about me anyway and was publically reproved, which made me cry. I'd been an outcast ever since, I was nice to everyone, I never gossiped about ppl although they did many times, I know that whenever a brother found himself attracted to me he would ask others and they would strongly advise and discourage them from liking me. There was a sister I remember when i was young called Cath, she started coming to meetings when she was 20 and had a small son called Chris, he grew up and left and she was about 40 , she never met anyone and the other sisters were awful to her behind her back. I looked at her life and and I saw my whole life like hers had been like i already lived it, and I decided enough was enough and left, you know the rest, hopefully now any avid reader would know where my depression came from....
I never left because I didn't believe in Jehovah, Jesus or the bible, I left because of the ppl. I still believe the things I was taught and many of the ppl who come here believe the same I think.
Warm Hugs to all
Naomi -
eyes_opened
Thanks for sharing your story with us Naomi. It sounds like you have had a tough time, but hopefully things will start looking up for you now that you have some breathing and thinking room :) There are many kind folks who give lots of great advice which is a HUGE help.
{{hugs}}
Eyes