JGnat Says Hi (page 3)

concerned mama

You make me so curious! I'm really enjoying this. Next chapter please!

Thanks, guys for waiting so long. I figure it is time to satisfy your raging curiosity, and finish this story up. You have been a wonderful audience, a real motivation to keep my nose to the screen, my fingers to the keyboard, and get my story down. Enjoy. Oops. My daughter just found out I am writing about her on the internet. I hope I am not in too much trouble...

Smalltown, Alberta

That fresh air dad raved about turned out to be tainted with the smell of roasting Puppy Chow, depending on the wind and time of day. That first Sunday I walked in to the Nazarene church a block away, crying all through the first service (still getting over the young fella, plus homesickness for my church back home). I made my first friend there, Marilyn. Soon we were walking together in the morning to the A&W for coffee. My first month there I offended local folk with my bumbling city ways. I slipped past ladies in the store without saying excuse me, please. I avoided eye contact with strangers walking down the street. I forgot to tell my meddling landlady where I was going on weekends. Once I slowed my engine down, small town life was a cosy comforter I readily cuddled up to.

My work took me all over Central Alberta. To the west I stood in a clearing of spruce, smelled the spicy sap between puffs of ice-cold mountain air; purple foothills just visible over the treetops. The southeast a bare, flat grassland, sad, twisted trees and weathered pioneer homes evoking harder times. To northeast I stopped in a little valley, a creek barely visible through green green reeds, cattle grazing nearby, the hills ribbed with eroded stone, the bush yellow and red those few weeks before snow. Back to my new home at harvest, the air golden with threshing, calves lowing at market for their mommies.

In short order I was embarrassing my daughter with my bumbling country ways; waving wildly and shouting yo-hoo! to her and her friends, striking up conversations with complete strangers, listening with intense interest the inane details of ordinary life, telling the best stories again and again.

I still had an itch I could not scratch. I had been fine as a single as long as I had someone to take care of, but now I was truly alone. I did not like it, not one little bit. I filled up my days with friends and art, but the itch was still there. I do prefer to remain in control, and I was very close to losing it. I had been waiting 20 years, and the waiting was making me a little bit weird. I was very close to jumping the next cowboy who looked straight at me with hi sky blue, crinkly eyes and said howdy. Waiting on God for a guy to show up in my social circle just wasnt working. I never was one to go to the bar, and I wasnt going to start now. I took a blind leap, and joined a dating service.

My Honey

I guess I really can't blame the matchmaker. How could I expect the uninitiated to understand the nuances between an Evangelical and a Witness? After all, we were both fairly conservative in our beliefs about marriage, drugs, alcohol, and smoking. We both dressed up and went out the door every Sunday. And my honey and I have other things in common. We are equally mellow, rolling with the punches life land our way. We are both pokey preparing for a trip, something that must have driven my honeys former girlfriends insane. While he packs his bags, I can take out the garbage, pinch back my potted plants, shine the taps, read a book, reorganize my spices...

As I slave over this true and faithful account of our relationship, I hope you honest hearted ones will understand my reasons for being discreet. My honey satisfied an empty part of my life that God alone could not satisfy. For that alone I will be forever grateful. My honey was not active when we met. Ralph McLaren coaxed him back to the "Truth". Ralph was an energetic, patient, compassionate, and productive elder. He is also disfellowshipped now. If I were to speculate on the reason, I would guess the sin of jealousy down at the local Kingdom Hall. I do hope Ralph is all right. Do any of you know him? My honey and I have agreed to be respectful of each others beliefs. I help him study, which he adores. As I was taught at my church, I am a good Boerean, looking up every scripture to see for myself. At first, I looked for signs of evil in every paragraph. I realize now that the errors are obvious and the influence subtle. And repeated endlessly. Honest Hearted. True Christian. Sheep Like. Code words for exclusive club members (second class) of the WTS, a club with endless requirements and deferred benefits.

Grandma

About the time I was considering whether I wanted to start a new family, my daughter announced she pregnant. That helped me along with my decision real fast. My in-laws reacted with horror: Your life is over! I was not too happy myself: Your life is not over, dearie. It is just a 20 year sentence. My whole grand plan for parenting was to spare my children the mistakes I made. Darn.

Look at it this way, Mom. I improved on you by four years. Besides, there will be lots of people telling me I am making a mistake. Why dont you do what you do best, and be an encouragement?

The wisest thing my girl has ever said. I gained a son-in-law and the most beautifullest little granddaughter, Naomi, now two. Naomi's favourite phrases this week:I DO it. I RIKE it. 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 9 TEN!!!! Yayy! I DID it!!

A Parents Grief Continued

About the time I started to relax in my new life, news came that my boy was in trouble with the law. He grabbed a womans breast. He had been showing signs of increasing instability; threatening his sister and other things. I tried to get some professional help, but ran in to the same roadblocks as the first time. I had to kick him out of the family home. Then came the assault charge. The judge wisely ordered a years probation and court-ordered psychiatric counselling. This was more severe than what is usually handed out , but perfect for what my boy needed. The psychiatrist broke it to me that my boy is schizophrenic. I am at a loss as to how I can mother him. Where my friends are hoping for normal things for their sons... career, a wife, children...I hope and pray mine does not. He still draws daily, a pen stuck behind his ear, a sheaf of drawings in the bindings of a library book he carries with him everywhere. His life is a degree or two off normal, and his happiness comes from other things. I am still figuring out how I can best love him and help him.

Not Over Yet

Critics tell me my intros are great and leave them wanting more, but I am not so good at wrapping up the story. One reason, I think, is that my life refuses to resolve itself in to a neat little package. There are big questions left unanswered. I worry about what kind of future my son will have. I do not know why God did not intervene on my son's behalf, when I prayed as hard as any parent can pray. Is God

weak,
too chained up in His own principles to intervene,
preparing a positive future I cannot understand now,
not really omnipotent and omniscient,
too busy with important stuff,
uncaring,
not there, a figment of my imagination,
other?

I plan on asking Him in person when I have a chance.

An example of the neverending story that is life, is my mom and me. My moms illness will be with her till she dies. The mental deterioration is progressive. I never expected our relationship to improve. On top of everything else, moms kidneys have failed, and she will be on dialysis now until the day she dies. Yet, in the last few years, it is my mom who has been restored to me. Slowly by slowly she has mellowed over the years. Mom is living proof that there is always hope for mankind. I will not close the chapter on her, for who knows how much more will be restored before she leaves me for good?

Edited by - jgnat on 30 September 2002 0:10:9

Edited by - jgnat on 30 September 2002 0:15:22

hamptonite21

thank you!

nilfun

Echoing hamptonite21 in saying thanks for
sharing your story (and that lovely photo
of your daughter, son-in-law, and absolutely
beautiful granddaughter.)

Hmmm

Beautifully written. Enthralling. I RIKE it!!!

Hmmm

DINKY

Beautiful!

Today is the gift.

Thanxs,

Dinky

concerned mama

Jgnat, you are incredibly tolerant and loving with your honey. Your son's life is not easy. Most people have no idea about what schizophrenia about, and how bizarre life can be with someone with schizophrenia (sort of like the JWs). Our medical science is just not good enough. The drugs help. Without them, there would be no option but institutions, but for many, life is still far from normal or happy.

Big Tex

jgnat

The one thing I dislike about this board is that topics get moved out so fast. How did I miss this the first time? This explains so much about you. Thank you very very much for sharing this.

Wow, where do I start? You're introduction is correct, your life, and story, are a mixure of highs and lows. But then that's life, real life, isn't it? You had me wondernig how in the world you got mixed up with something as crazy as Jehovah's Witnesses through out the story. You seem far too wise to get mixed up with something as insanely stupid as them, and I was right.

Your daughter looks like a fantastic person, much like her mother. They both look very happy. Was that photo from their wedding? I'm very sorry about your son. How is he now? This is a subject on which I know nothing, so all I can offer is empathy and a listening ear.

Is that a photograph or a painting of a house (barn?) in the country. Either way, it is gorgeous. Is that the view from your world? You referenced seeing the man in black when you commented a story I recently posted, and I think I can begin to see where and how you might have seen him. I must admit, I envy your spirituality. You seem very centered, much moreso than me.

This post is more than a little scattered, your story did indeed take me on a ride so my thoughts and feelings are all over the map. But it does give depth and a new dimension to you for that I am thankful to you.

Be well,

Chris

SheilaM

Jgnat:

I am so proud of you and thank you for sharing what is most private in your life. I hope my being sick doesn't effect my kids the way your Mother's did. I think I am much better now but your story scares me that it could have affected them for life...

Your granddaughter is beautiful she looks to much like my Makayla LOL Could have been James holding her. What a small world.

I am sorry for your struggles with your son and his illness.

You come through with such a true honest voice

Thank you

JG: Sorry can you tell having Ant gone has affected my posts LOL I corrected it LOL

happyout

Jgnat,

What a wonderful and courageous story! Your live, while difficult in many areas, has also had wonderful blessings. Your daughter, grand-daughter and son in law make a beautiful family.

If you could give us a little update on your son, it would be greatly appreciated. My heart and good vibes go out to you and him (and your honey, too).

Happyout (thanking Big Tex for reviving such a wonderful thread)

JGnat Says Hi

Share this