Repressed Memories. (page 6)

Lady Lee

The incident in the cabin would have happened early in the morning. We went swimming in the afternnon. Memory being what it is I don't recall the rest of the day or trip. I would have been 9 or 10 years old and already developed the ability to dissociate during abuse

waiting

I knew just the same way you know that you know someones name but cant think of it until 3am. My knowing is sure. I just havent woken up to remember it yet. - lee

I know the feeling. It's absolute. Just as you know that you had a mother........you also know that your father horribly harmned you. And, if you're like me, you know your mother knew.

And Im not really sure I want to. -lee

I agree. At some point, one might ask if it's worth it. I think - sometimes - a good picture of one's life can be gotten without every detail. I just didn't see the use anymore. Rather sucked actually.

waiting

TO THE POSTERS WHO HAVE POSTED ABOUT HAVING TRAUMATIC MEMORIES THAT AT SOME POINT THEY DIDN'T REMEMBER.............THANK YOU. I hoped this helped y'all as much as it's helped me. This is one of the finer happenings when we communicate - we can help validate each other. Sometimes it's damned lonely in our minds.

Big Tex

Sometimes it's damned lonely in our minds.

Amen to that.

morrisamb

Not sure if you were counting me on that Waiting, but thanks. People who have not experienced it cannot fathom the degree in which the mind can block out trauma. I did and didn't even believe I could.

LyinEyes

For some reason I have avoided this thread . Reading the things so many went thru makes my heart beat fast and I feel sick. I have such a sorrow for those who were hurt and abused.

I have been to doctors who always ask me if I was ever sexually molested as a child, diff. doctors and I wasnt talking anything about childhood or anything like that. I told them all no , not that I know of. One wanted to put me under hypnosis to find out. I was JW at the time and wanted to in a way, but knew I better not.

I am still afraid to find out anymore crap about my childhood. I am using my dreams right now to work thru many issues and it is helpful. Sometimes when I am on the brink of finding something out in a dream, I wake up. I guess my mind doesnt want me to know right now. I trust my subconscious knows what I can handle and when. So I will let it work out like this for now.

But I have had memoires like the ones lark is talking about, things I forgot because I filed them so far away, but not forgotten. Usually i remember them when I talk with my sister or a friend who knew me way back then,,,,,,,,,, reminding me and then bingo........... i remember.

But I also have a deep feeling in my heart there is repressed memories in there some where. It scares me as to why i can't face them. Why my mind chooses for me to forget them. I wonder if it holds such a terrible secret or terrible scene I don't want to see it again. Many of you know of my childhood, my dad was abusive in a physicall way and emotional, mom was neglectful to me and cruel in someways due to her drug use.

I just know remembered why i can't stand to watch tv with out a light on........ just a low watt light is fine, but in pitch black i get the creeps. The simple reason is my mom had headaches or whatever and would lock herself in her room. We had to be very quiet , so no lights could be on , or tv to loud.

I hated her when she was like that. I hated being alone, Daddy was working, I worried my mother was dead behind her locked door. I wasnt afraid of the dark, I was afraid of knowing what the lights going off meant. Mom was in bad shape, dad would come home, we would get in trouble for some minor thing, a whipping, to bed, and the crying of mom and fighting.

But the point is , I just now , i am 35 just started remember these things. Being locked in my room waiting on dad to get home, mom passed out on my bed. My baby sister was a baby so she slept with mom , while mom slept the pills off. Hyper me just sat there watching the sun go form noon to down to the moon. I remember for the first time in year, that I was hungry. My sister had a bottle , but I was waiting for daddy to get home to eat. I would hope he would bring some churchs fried chicken home. Today , if there is ever a storm brewing, where the power might go out, I panic.

I mean I panic bad, I go and buy water, can meat, etc. for fear of that feeling of not having food when my kids need it.

But that is ok, I at least know why I feel like I do. Doesnt make it go away, and I don't feel sorry for myself, I do feel sorry for that little girl that I was thou. But back then, I didnt feel sorry for myself then either. I guess you go into survivial mode. I mean I wasnt starved to death or had my dinner taken away. I just a few times , got hungry locked in the room with mom. But it could have been worse , I have heard much worse stories and I am glad at least my dad was my savior at that time.

These memories can make us stronger, make us do better for the ones we love, so we don't repeat mistakes our parents made to us.

I stand in firm support of those with repressed memories or just forgotten memories, that come to the surface. I think the repressed memories are the ones that are very traumatic for sure, and I havent decided if , in my case, they should just be laid to rest , without knowing the truth. Knowledge is power, and so is truth. But the truth can hurt real bad. I guess I will know if I should let myself remember things, if there is anything to remember.

waiting

Awwwwwwwwe Lin,

Sorry for your frustrations about memory. I think many of us have the same frustrations, comes & goes. I would think it's like someone having an unseen disability (like mental) - others can't see it, nor can we.............but we know damned well that "all's not right within." We just can't figure it out - so we ponder a lot, sometimes for decades.

When my therapist asked me what type of child I was - I had no problem quickly answering "odd." She kinda laughed, asking why? I then told her about it......and she agreed, if one didn't realize who/what they were looking at, I would have been judged just that - odd. Cute, but odd.

Reading, and finding others to communicate with, has helped me tremendously - so has therapy (with a decent therapist.)

I would assume your mother suffered from migranes? Only thought that because many people with them can't stand light. Sorry for your childhood, but you've survived beautifully.

Hey morris!

Yeah, I was including you - and thank you for responding. Your childhood has been validated by your family, the police, the elders, your father. Your father blamed everyone else, but the asshole still admitted it. It happened.

By speaking about your memory - or lack thereof - it helps others. Some of us have little validation in our lives, we just know it happened. Some have no validation - but it still happened. Lol, some of us just wait for the medical researchers to decide if we exist or not. What happens to us if they decide we - or our experiences - don't exist?

Btw, ordered your book this morning - should have done it waaaaaaaay back then, eh? Look forward to reading you.

waiting

Lady Lee

Larc

I have been pondering on this today.

Why is it that some war veterans will block memories and others don't? Many vets experience the same trauma - losing friends, watching them die in front of you. So what might the difference be between two men in the same war with the same experience - one blocks the memory while the other doesn't.

Somewhere (and sorry I don't recall where) I read that a study of the men who blocked memories showed that the blockers had a history of severe childhood abuse that had not been dealt with and where they had learned to block life events from an early age.

This makes sense to me. If a person's way of coping with life's problems has been to block the "unthinkable" from active memory since early childhood then it would actually be quite simple for that person to use the same mechanism to block unwanted war memories.

If as a young person you learned you were on your own in the world and rarely, if ever, confided your pain and loss and grief to others then in the war situation you would be inclined to continue in the same behavior - stay quiet and bury the feelings. Doing this would inhibit your ability to share your experience with other vets therefore processing the experience.

Now I know I read a bit on PTSD and war vets (mostly Viet Nam vets) and probably in regards to flashbacks. So if you are doing some research you might want to check that out.

morrisamb

Hey W aiting, thanks for ordering my book...by the way ...remember what you wrote before you start reading my book:

"Your childhood has been validated by your family, the police, the elders, your father. Your father blamed everyone else, but the asshole still admitted it."

You'll know why as you get into my memoir. Wouldn't want to spoil the story...

larc

Lady Lee, I think you answered your own question. On the subject of abuse and amnesia, I am sure that you are far more knowledgable than I am. This is an area that I have only a cursory knowledge. I do have a PhD in psychology, but my specialty and my interests have taken me in a very different direction. A word of advice - if a psychologist implys that he knows everything about every subject regarding human behaviour, don't believe them.

Big Tex

larc

You seem a knowledgable and open-mined person. I'm glad you got involved in this thread. I agree with your advice regarding how to find a therapist. The best one I saw likened the process to that of dating. And just like dating, there are you'll find more bad than good. But bottom line, you just need to find someone who meshes with you.

Repressed Memories.

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