by Billygoat 35 Replies latest social humour
A little boy is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said the little boy
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
God was just about finished with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me."
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the
while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Multiple Orgasms" God said
A sister goes up to the Watchtower Overseer and tells him that she needs his help. It seems that her husband falls asleep every week during the Watchtower study and she doesn't like it at all.
The Elder thinks for a while and tells the woman to bring a knitting needle with her to next week's Watchtower study. He goes on to tell her that when he is taking the study, he'll watch to see if the husband falls asleep. If he does he will rub the side of his nose and she can jab the husband with the needle to wake him up.
Well the next Sunday comes along. The meeting proceeds as usual. Sure enough the guy falls asleep, just while the overseer is asking the questions between the paragraphs.
While the overseer says "Right, Brother and Sisters, paragraph 10, who delivered the sermon on the mount?" he rubs his nose. The woman jabs her husband and he wakes up yelling out "Jesus Christ!". The elder responded "Yes brother Jones, I'd have been happier if you've waited till the roving microphone came to you, but that's quite correct, thank you."
A few minutes later the Elder notices the guy asleep again. He continues with the study and asks "Who created us in his own image and likeness?" and rubs his nose again. The woman again jabs her husband and he yells out "God Almighty!" The elder responds "Yes brother Smith thank you again, that's correct." By now everyone is getting used to his unconventional answering style.
Well once again a few minutes later the elder notices the man asleep. As he is covering the last paragraph he says "What did Sarah say to Abraham after the birth of their last child?" The woman jabs the husband extra hard this time and the man wakes up and yells "If you stick me with that thing ONE MORE TIME..."
Wait... they get worse!
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship: "How do you feel about sex?" the man asked, rather hopefully.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy thought for a moment then asked,
"Was that one word or two?"
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, since they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So he wanted a second opinion, and he visited a doctor in Georgia. That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Since the second doctor told him to do exactly the same thing as the first doctor, the Alabamian figured the procedure MUST work. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, West Virginia, and Arkansas.
MYOHNSEPH
Why are you following me around and attacking me! Dirty ol biker!
Two women are looking through a shop window when one points in and says:
"That's the one I'd get"
A cyclops then comes out and eats them.
("That's the one-eyed git")
DOH!!! I do not wish to know that, kindly leave the stage!
Gumby:
I'm NOT following you around! You're not bikerphobic or something, are you?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Manchester. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologise, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"
