by Billygoat 35 Replies latest social humour
A brunette received a dozen roses at work from her husband.
The blonde in the cubical next to her said "You must be very happy that your husband thinks so much of you to send you flowers."
The brunette replied "Not really, this just means that I will be on my back all night with my legs in the air."
The blonde said "Have you ever thought about using a vase?"
1. He said, "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it." She said, "You wear pants, don't you? "
2. She said, "What do you mean by coming home half drunk?"
He said, "It's not my fault. I ran out of money."
3. He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said, "Well, you succeeded."
4. He said, "Two inches more and I would be king."
She said, "Two inches less, and you'd be queen."
5. On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
6. He said, " shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said, "That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
7. Priest: "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband."
She said: "Who's gonna look?"
8. He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
9. He said, "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
She said, "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."
10. He said, "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said, "I would, but you're never there."
11. Q: What must a women do when a man is running round in circles?
A: Reload and continue shooting.
12. Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A: Because it only attacks the brain.
13. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
14. A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
An elderly Irishman went into a bar. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat God' s Boy down dere?"
The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, " For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't you F****** touch me! I'm on disability allowance!"
A husband and wife are waiting in a queue to see a film, when the man standing in front of them lets go an enormous and foul smelling fart. The husband indignantly taps the man on the shoulder and says "excuse me sir, but how dare you fart in front of my wife"
"I'm sorry," says the man, "but I had no idea it was her turn...."
ig.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied
LOL Matty!
....Sorry if you happen to be blonde!
THE BLONDE COOK BOOK
MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The
neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of
silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a
bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling
around in the garden.
FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have
been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It
still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on
Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a Chocolate Moose.
