by joelbear 40 Replies latest jw friends
Breeze, you crack me up. Joel is a hunk, all right.
Joel.......you MUST see how much people care about you. You have my phone numbers. Call me if you need me.
I still think you need to contact your biological FAMILY!!! Trust me...........as a mother, I know this to be true. A son is precious to his Mom.........always.
I like what Royal Tannenbaum had put on his tombstone at the end of the movie:
"Died while saving his family from a burning ship"
I think that's what I want mine to say.
FYI, for those who haven't seen it, he steals this epitaph from an old monument that he admires earlier in the movie...
I don't know what will be on my tombstone but I have a feeling that my last words will be "Hey everybody, watch this!!!!"
As for what to do with my body? I think mailing chopped off pieces to random people would be a fun way to freak some people out!
Dearest Joel... may you have peace!
There exists a "funny" phenomenon in this "world": we tend to think that family "owes" us something. Primarily, love. Okay, it may be true: the familial debt of love may be valid; however, the chances of blood-related family FULFILLING that debt... is truly a crap-shoot. For each and every one of us. And thinking along the lines of what my Lord said regarding who really is our "mother", our "brother" or even our "father", I have had to ask, many times in my life, is it really those we happen to be related to by blood?
Dear one, we don't choose who our fleshly family is, nor do they choose us. True, when it is a loving relationship, that is indeed a WONDERFUL thing. All too often, however, at least in the western world, that is not the case: family tends to be, if not your direct enemy, then at least, your most oppressive critic (and certainly the latter, in the eastern world).
As one who has very little blood family (pretty much just two children at this point), I have come to learn that "family" is not so much who you were put with, as well as not so much those that call themselves so with regard to you. Rather, "family" are those who PROVE themselves such... by the MANIFESTATION of their love... for you... in whatever manner that manifestation is borne out (i.e., assisting you when you need it, being there for you, listening to you, helping you in some way... remaining loyal to you when others speak ill of you... whatever). And in that light, I have do have a family... albeit, small as well. But the love of those two or three... or four... is very real to me, and becomes more and more undoubtful as I learn more and more to trust love from those who are NOT blood-relatives.
You're a grown man, Joel. So... make a choice: if you want to continue "reflecting" your blood family, those who, by your own depiction, seem incapable of truly loving their own flesh... you... then continue being as you described yourself... "incapable of giving love"... too. OR... you can CHOOSE to NOT be such... indeed you can break the "pattern"... and LOVE... IN SPITE of what you've been exposed to. You can CHOOSE to love people, Joel... starting with yourself... even when others can't/don't/won't love you.
According to you, others seemed to have "abandoned" you when it comes to giving love. It seems to me, however, that you are doing the same thing by your own admission: abandoning others... and even yourself... in love... while decrying such incapabilities in others.
But isn't that hypocrisy?
Again, my intent truly is not to offend, but perhaps to help you "see" what it appears you can't right now. Pain and anger tends to do that, though: blind us to reality, sometimes completely. So, you can take my words as "fuel"... and add them to your already burning flame of pain and anger... and simply combust... or... you can take them as "water"... and use them to quench and soothe your flame... as well as a means to "water" others who may feel the same "burn." It's up to you.
I bid you the greatest of peace.
Your servant, and a slave of Christ,
SJ
I've thought it through. Pills I am afraid would leave me in a coma and a burden, same goes for CO poisoning.
I don't know if you can buy arsenic and strichnine. I watched Arsenic and Old Lace last weekend which gave me that idea.
I am terrified of guns. I have the address of the gun store closest to me.
I love roller coasters, maybe jumping off a tall structure would be like one last thrill ride.
Joel sweetie, I know you're in pain. I understand it. I really do. I've had more moments, days, months, and even years of suicidal thoughts than I'd like to admit. It's humiliating and embarrassing to admit that, but I've been where you are. Please know that there is a way out other than taking your life. It is harder and much more work and it may not seem worth it right now, but there is another answer than suicide. I promise you when taking a look back at those rough periods in your life, it will seem SOOO worth having NOT done it.
Please go to the hospital. Tell Mitch to take you there. Please get some medical help from someone who knows how to handle this type of situation. Sitting at your desk talking to us through the board and email isn't going to fix this. It's much more serious than we can help you with. It may help later, but right now you need medical attention. Please do it. Please?
Pills I am afraid would leave me in a coma and a burden, same goes for CO poisoning.
Hmmmm... and you are fairly certain, however, that these...
I have the address of the gun store closest to me...
... maybe jumping off a tall structure would be like one last thrill ride...
won't?
You may not be thinking quite straight, Joel, and so perhaps may need to rethink the whole matter entirely. And if you don't want to rethink it for yourself... then, perhaps you will consider it for the sake of those kind folks here... who will be absolutely devastated should you go forward. If you don't want to give yourself one last chance, perhaps you can find just a teechie smidgen of love in you... to give these folks one? I mean, they did try, didn't they, to show you the love you feel you lack? In that case, don't they deserve one last chance?
Or must they go through the rest of their lives feeling carrying guilt and feeling at fault that perhaps they weren't capable of giving you what you say you lack? But that would not be true, would it? For they did try... they did offer you love... and unconditionally. And yet, many of them would think it was true anyway because althought they tried, according to your reaction, it was not "enough".
I dunno, Joel... but it seems to me that of all of the cruel things earthling man does to one another, heaping guilt... upon others AND himself... has to be up there among the most burdensome... and destructive. Wouldn't you agree?
There is love... and peace... out there, Joel. It is up to you, however, and only you, whether you will "receive" it. Folks can try, but they can't make you. Personally, not enough of either comes my way so that I can be so "picky" when it does. Somebody wants to offer me love... and peace? Hey, I'll take it... for this world, in general, doesn't offer very much of either very often.
I, therefore, bid you such love... and peace...
Your servant, and a slave of Christ,
SJ
A former friend of mine's brother tried to commit suicide by putting a gun in his mouth. He blew off his whole face, and was in the hospital for months, blind and no face left. He survived. As soon as he got home, he succeeded in taking his life. If a man wants to do it, he will find a way.
Joel, I know what you mean about the coma. I have had suicidal thoughts myself, and had the same fears about pills. I feared doing that might not kill me but would leave me in a vegetable brain state, or worse............just brain damaged, and putting a terrible burden on my family.
The feelings passed.
Please reach out to SOMEONE!! Everyone here cares. Imagine how we will all feel if we hear you actually did it?? It would torment me for years, that I failed to help you, when I really have tried.
Hey Joel:
When I first responded to this thread yesterday, I didn't know you were hurting. I'm sorry that I didn't pick up on your feelings then.
Sounds like you could use some of these...(((((((((joel)))))))))
My Mom tried to commit suicide when I was a teenager. It didn't succeed. My father tried to protect us kids by not talking to us at all about it. But, we knew. My Mom was depressed and had many emotional problems. She battled these all her life. If only she could have gotten the professional help she needed, she would have been a lot happier. Instead she spent her whole life trying to deal with the complex emotional troubles that come from depression. I don't doubt that after that first attempt at suicide, she contemplated it many times after. It is so sad. She died last year of breast cancer. I miss her. But, I am so glad that her suicide attempt failed. I was able to have many more years with her.
Please Joel, get some professional help. I know that is easier said then done. But, just think of all the people who care about you, and don't tell me that there aren't any. We touch so many people in life that we don't even realize.
Take care of yourself,
Mrs. Shakita
Joel,
You are correct--none of us really know you. We only know whatever persona you've chosen to display to us on the forum. The funny thing is--we LIKE what you've given us. I hope you find the strength to decide that life is worth living--because you would be sorely missed. I found an old saying that I wrote down during one of my darkest hours--and I read it as often as needed in the years since. I hope it helps a little.
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, 'til it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, NEVER give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."----Harriet Beecher Stowe
That saying has proved true for me many times over now. There have been many times in my life (leaving jw's, divorcing hubby etc.) where I thought things could never get better. I finally started figuring out that they DO get better--but I had to work for it. It was worth it--because life can and does get better if you let it. Please please please find someone to talk to!
Becky
