As a woman who went through this personally for fifteen years married to an abusive jw, this really "hits" close to home. I never, before during or after my divorce from him, did I ever have the thought that all or most men were like my ex. I always knew there are many gentle, loving men out there who wouldn't dream of hitting their wife. I am fortunate to have found one such man that I will soon marry. However, abuse is something that I feel is more prevalent then most would think. So many woman hide it out of shame or guilt or whatever, and even their relatives aren't aware, but it's a big problem. Even those who don't actually hit their wives, do just as much damage with their words and tone. It's hard to figure out if one is worse than the other, they are both very painful to experience.
Spousal Abuse Thoughts
by DakotaRed 36 Replies latest jw friends
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Cassiline
And any woman that accepts it, either outright or by excusing it as an anomaly, is doing a disservice - to herself, her children, to other women, and to her husband.~~ Buster
By making these broad statements one does not realize the emotional hurt one can cause.
Domestic violence is a cycle that undermines the victims self esteem, self worth and interferes with the healing process.
There are so many different types if domestic abuse committed upon women and men in society today. They range from physical abuse to social abuse. Although the woman is the victim of the norm we cant and must not lay blame where it does not belong.
After years of the cycle of abuse on may find it outright impossible to believe they have any self worth and unfortunately this leads to the victim staying in a relationship we cannot understand. We as onlookers may say why just not leave the man/woman?
Because of the matrices of domestic violence the years normally of intimidation, physical violence, emotional, monetary withholding leading to dependence on the partner for survival, insults, alienation of affection, imposing limits or withholding all outside contact to include family members who are we to judge when a woman or man may feel as they CAN'T leave?
We must work on destroying the myths surrounding domestic abuse not tear down the person(s) who may feel there is no escape and to try and escape may lead to death or serious injury to their person and that of their children. I realize that the simple solution may be to leave but it becomes impossible in the mind of the victim.
The batterer is likely to have imposed control and power in the home. They will also in the case of the woman have the ideal that they are a man who is dominate over the lesser female in the home. If one looks carefully American custom and culture and religion supports this. Women are to cook and clean the home, care for children, cater to the mans needs this is often referred to as male privilege in todays society this is not as bad as it was 20-30 years ago but it goes along with race discrimination. As you have seen in the JW religion the man is considered the head of the household. Do we recall when women were told, "Rely on Jehovah he will protect you" instead of one helping themselves? Thus keeping the cycle going.
Why do some women/men stay?
They fear greater physical danger to self, children and/or family members and the fear of retaliation. You should be aware of how many of my clients alone are shown newspaper articles, news accounts stating an abusive spouse murdered or maimed to keep the victim spouse in line.
Economic Dependence
Lack of alternative housing
Inability to make formidable life changes (e.g., being sole parent, loss of status as a couple, change in living arrangements, loss of familiar environment) all, which may predicate on the abusers lies and manipulations as well.
Emotional ties. The abused is caught up in the cycle and believes the partner when they state they will never do it again.
Lack of information about alternatives to remaining in the abusive situation (e.g., often the isolation imposed by their spouse, cuts them off from seeing alternatives.
Guilt about failure of the relationship, some believe its ( the abuse) is their fault or religious beliefs will not allow one to leave.
Love and belief the abuser will change.
Characteristics of the battered partner include,
Helplessness
Powerlessness
Low (paralyzed) self esteem
Embarrassment, shame and/or guilt
Fear
Suicidal thoughts
Homicidal thoughts
Fear for the children
Depression
Self-destructive behavior (suicidal thoughts, substance abuse, etc.)
Physical problems
Re-experiencing the traumatic event often associated with PTSD.
Cultural and religious differences
Reluctance to leave the children (e.g., fear the abusing spouse will gain custody of the children because this is what they are told and they believe it because they feel worthless.)
Please be aware of the power and control, which is prominent in abusive relationships. Lets not lay blame where is does not belong and try to understand the situation which is confusing to some. Try not to underestimate the power of an abusive partner.
Cassi,
Victim Advocate
Edited by - cassiline on 27 November 2002 17:37:56
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Iwasyoungonce
There is not any excuse for spousal abuse. Period.
On a nother note. 90% of violence against women is inflicted by men. But, 75% of all violence is inflicted on men. Which means that 3 out of 4 victims of violence are male. When it comes to having violence done to you chances are it will be one male doing it to another male. I'm not trying to belittle wife beating. I'm just pointing out that guys we are all in this together. Violent people (pattern abusers, violent criminals) are the minority. They should not be tolerated.
What should we do? Look to our children, act like the people we want them to become.
(Stats are from the book Principles of Soc. But I took them from memory)
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Tashawaa
My ex never hit me, however, he was verbally and emotionally abusive. Its harder to recognize and accept... also very hard to define - but once you're away from the situation, you can see it for what it was (sorta like the "truth").
I dated ALOT before I got married, and date now. The only time I was ever hit by a man, was a nice Pioneer, MS, brother (he was 21, I was 18). He told me to "shut up" or he'd hit me... I didn't (to see what he'd do) - and he hit me. I dumped him the next day. He went to the elders to fess up that he'd touched my boobies (I was sooo bad even back then ) LOL
I know that spousal abuse exists - personally, you can leave me in a room with a tonne of single men and I will single-handedly pick out the alcholic/drug addict. They're the ones I'm attracted to!!!
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jgnat
My ex was violent and abusive. I stayed for 3 years, then walked away, never to come back. Thank you Cassiline for saying it,
Please be aware of the power and control, which is prominent in abusive relationships. Lets not lay blame where is does not belong and try to understand the situation which is confusing to some. Try not to underestimate the power of an abusive partner.
Consider, for example, the many people who remain with the Jehovah's Witnesses, even when they are miserable. An abusive organization, just like an abusive husband, will use as many hooks as possible to maintain control.
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Sentinel
Hi Lew,
Unfortunately, I have been both verbally and physically abused. Most of this occured in my first marriage, and lasted fourteen years. I was conditioned to accept it as "life". I was thrown down a flight of stairs during the early stages of my pregnancy. My left arm was a solid bruise from being twisted up behind my back. I couldn't move it for days. I've been thrown against walls and manhandled, and I've been shot at, and held at gunpoint all night long; but he never marked me again like those original bruises. He did continue to debase me and mock me and try to destroy my dignity as a woman. My self esteem was very low, and I was frightened of him, but could not seem to break free. He always said he was sorry, and so I forgave him, only to have it happen again and again. Also, my childhood relationship with an abusive father and submissive mother, set the pattern for my acceptance, as did the JW lifestyle.
Both types of abuse are damaging, whether it be male or female. This type of situation is a sign of serious trouble within the marital/family unit, and deserves the attention of both parties to seek to resolve it.
I certainly agree with your idea of how a good marriage or committed relationship should be, but there are still lots of folks who bash each other--physically and verbally. These are people whom you would not believe capable of such acts, yet behind the closed doors of home life, a battle is raging.
Individuals are under extreme pressure, especially those facing personal crisis of any kind. People react in different ways to that type of stress. They usually hurt the ones they love the most. There are signs present, but it's such a private matter, that no one wants to get envolved in those issues. Usually one of the partners finally seeks help.
Thanks for this post. I endured a great deal of abuse for years because the JW mindset, which instilled subjection in me, and the woman was subserviant even to be abused by her husband. This set me up very young for the way I dealt with situations in my second marriage. Conditioning is difficult to break, but not impossible.
No one deserves to be abused. No one! They should seek help immediately.
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Iwasyoungonce
Sentinal, Lin, all you guys who had to endure all of it. I am so sorry.
Jay
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Solace
My mother is currently abused by her husband, who she married when I was a teenager. She wont leave him, although I have tried to help her. I was also forced into sex by an acquaintance when I was 15.
What I have seen and been through has has changed me. I am more cautious with who I associate with. I would have to say I definatly have issues with men and tend stay away from the overly aggressive type, even as friends. Although I hate to admit it, its out of sheer intimidation. I just cant bring myself to get too close to someone who overpowers me in any way.
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IronGland
If I were gonna bet, I would bet that more women hit men than vice-versa. Psychos.
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WildHorses
Out of the relationships I've been in, I have been hit by two men, and that was only a slap and they got the worst of it because once they slapped me, I about beat the crap out of them. Most of the men I have had a relationship with did't believe in hitting women though. There are more men that do NOT hit than those that do.
Shari