Spousal Abuse Thoughts (page 3)

waiting

Cassi - wowwwwwwwww, I'm so impressed with your response - thank you! I just finished reading a book entitled "Strange Fits of Passion" by Anita Shrieve which deals with spousal abuse in the 70's - and how we view it today. Such a difference.

As of several years ago, statistically, a woman will leave a man 6 times (and come back) until she leaves the 7th time. It takes that long for the majority of victims to free themselves from an attacker. Why?

One primary reason is that she may love him & her kids love their daddy too.

Another is that he's most likely very repentant shortly after his attack.

Another is that he's most likely a damned good talker & affectionate "other times."

Another is that she might be a product of a childhood where she's conditioned to believe that "if only I would have....." he wouldn't have........

Here's a frightening statistic. A study was done in a prison's Death Row (20 inmates.) The majority of inmates had been sexually abused - but not all. All 20 men came from physically abusive families.

waiting

Edited by - waiting on 27 November 2002 18:47:25

saltiest

I can understand how much power an abuser has over the abused, and how it lowers your self-esteem, makes you feel like you're stuck, that you can't do anything about. I can, because I was surrounded by it, my father. But what I don't understand is mothers (or fathers) who don't leave a situation when it is affecting their children. I used to cry myself to sleep at night wishing my mom would divorce my dad, or at least just LEAVE, take us with her, so we wouldn't have to put up with his mental abuse anymore. But she never did. And it wasn't like she didn't know it was harming us, and it wasn't like she didn't have the whole damn congregation behind her, who would support her for anything. She did.

When I was a teenager, my mom once asked me why I had such a temper and all I could say was "I learned it from dad. That's all I know." Or she'd wonder why I was so freaking depressed. Hmm. Or wonder why I tried to kill myself. Wonder why. Yet she continued to play clueless for all those years.

Yes, it still bothers me, but I let it go when I (rarely) talk to her.

In my opinion, if you have no children, fine, stay with the man or woman if need be, but don't put your kids through it. Believe me, they will not forget it, and it WILL hurt them and haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Alicia

Windchaser

Both my husbands beat me. My first husband hurled me across the room when I was seven months pregnant. I was dumb and stayed in both relationships for fourteen years total. My second husband knew how to hurt me the hardest. He played the silence game, you know, when you are angry and you don't talk to your wife for over a week. That was horrible. And the false accusations. I was constantly told that I was flirting, particularly with black men. I wasn't allowed to look around me when we were out in public. Can I help it if I radiate sex? It's amazing that these marriages lasted as long as they did. But, I gotta admit, I still have a soft spot for the whacko husband #2.

I don't think I could be married again. It hurts too bad.

Realist

never hit a woman, never known anyone who did....and i am baffeled by the fact that there are woman who apparently accept getting hit!

i think both should try to please each other ...it cannot be a one sided thing.

DakotaRed

I thank all of you for your responses.

Cassi, and Sentinel, both of you gave some very imformative responses, much needed information.

Heaven, Windchaser and all the rest who were abused in any manner, I'm very sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that, under any circumstances.

I agree that abuse comes in many forms, not always hitting. Neither partner should ever try to control the other, I believe, but should walk through life together

Again, thank you all for confiming my thoughts and giving such good replies. I will certainly pass these and any others coming, on to my friend the next time I see her.

Lew W

joannadandy

Cassiline-GREAT POST! You hit the nail on the head. There is nothing I could possibly add to that.

My sister was in an abusive relationship. She wanted kids so badly, but wouldn't have them with this asshole because she knew she would leave him. It took her four years! FOUR YEARS! He kept promising to change, and they went to seek professional help, and she went from a bubbly cheerleader type to a suicidal person who thought she was better off killing her self because no one would ever love her. (this was all product of this creep job she was married to)

Whoever says women CHOOSE to stay has a skewed perception of what it's like to be beaten down physically and emotionally. Because it's NEVER JUST PHYSICAL!

I wish I could say I have never been hit, but it's not true. In high school I dated a high strung jock who hit me once. I walked away that night. It was one of the things I have done in my life I am so proud of. But we hadn't dated that long. It was easy to leave, I had very little invested in him. But I also had very shitty self-esteem while I dated him. I was quite convinced I was LUCKY to have him. What a joke! If I had been dating him a few months longer, who knows, I might not have walked away. Oh and a side note...he sent me flowers two days later and begged me to forgive him and take him back. Abusers are great at being emotional manipulators.

jurs

I've been married 13 years. My husband has hit me, kicked me and even spit in my face. I've often fantasized about leaving but I honestly feel stuck. I grew up in an abusive home. A counselor once told me that you marry whats familiar..............how true. Sometimes I think I'll leave but then I wonder WHERE????? I don't have family that I can move in with and apartments are expensive. Financially I don't know how I'd do it in my own. My husband wouldn't make things easy. Its a situation that is hard to explain. Cassie and Sentinel both had great posts that I appreciate. I wonder how women do leave . Where do they go?

jurs

Navigator

I have never hit a woman and never would. I suspect that it is learned behavior. I cannot imagine my Dad ever hitting my mother.

Lady Lee

jurs

look in the front of your telephone book. In most countries they have a phone number for domestic violence hotlines (or sposal abuse or battered women or women's shelters) Call them. They can steer you in the right direction.

I have to go to work now but I will be back later to respond to this post more fully.

BeautifulGarbage

Whoever says women CHOOSE to stay has a skewed perception of what it's like to be beaten down physically and emotionally. Because it's NEVER JUST PHYSICAL!

Yes, the women CHOOSE to stay. Granted, the choices are sometimes difficult and many times dangerous, but they ARE choices. We are not talking about children, but grown women, ADULTS. Speaking of children, it is THEY that do not have choices in these matters.

My Mother stayed with my Dad for twenty-two awful years. She readily admits that she chose to stay and that us kids paid a terrible price for that. Yes, he beat her down emotionally, and physically, and she always held out hope that someday he would change into some wonderful caring man. He never did.

I do not hold my Mom responsible for my Dads behavior, but I do hold her responsible for her own. Becoming a Mother, myself, and raising my kids, seeing how impressionable, and dependent, they are, has only strengthened my resolve to not have them live with the fear that hung over my childhood like a black cloud, and took until my 30's to come to terms with the emotional damage that had been done.

(((((Jurs))))))

I know when my Mom left she had nothing. Well, actually not nothing, but LESS than nothing because my Dad had many debts that my Mom got left holding the bag for. I know it was the hardest thing she had ever done, and NO, my Dad did not make it easy for her. In fact, he attacked her, and me, the night she threw him out. It took several years for her to find stability, but she said that anything was better than living the way she did with my Dad.

Please take care, take Ladylee's post into consideration, look for support, and know it can be done!

Andee

Spousal Abuse Thoughts

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