Spousal Abuse Thoughts

by DakotaRed 36 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Lady Lee

  oh oh oh. I have to disagree

  Abused women do not choose to leave - at least not until they know they are able to choose. And even then it is often a choice made out of a need for survival rahter than a well thought out plan.

  If a person does not know they are free to choose then they are NOT free to choose.

  An example.

  I grew up in a home where I watched my mother be beaten, choked, strangled, attacked, berated, yelled at, put down, ignored and treated as a slave. I grew up in a home where I and all my siblings were beaten and attacked and assaulted and then were told this was love. And we were told no one else would love us like they did.

  Hmmm conclusion - if they hit me it means they love me. I don't like it but hey they love me.

  I grow up and realize I never want to put my kids through the same thing so when I marry I tell my husband if he ever hits me I'm otta there - or he is. So he never hits me and I sit there thinking I have done better than my mother. Ain't life grand.

  But he yells at me and lectures me and berates me. I am never good enough and aren't I blessed with such a loving husband who never hits me. Because he tells me how lucky I am and what a terrible temper he has and I don't want to see it so better behave. He takes sex when HE wants with little concern for how I feel. He controls the money and I get a small allowance to buy food and clothes and all the other necessities for the home and family. He pays the bills. And like a good little JW he pays the taxes too.

  He tells me what to wear and when I can go to the store for shopping and when I have to be home. I need to call if there are any changes in plans and I have to explain if I am late - even a few minutes. I am told to have supper on the table when he gets home so we can get to the meeting. Forget I am sick or one of the kids is. Get dressed and get to the meeting --- or out in service - must be good little examples now mustn't we?

  And never ever breathe a word of what goes on at home - ever.

  So you go to the meetings and you listen to those talks about wives being in subjection and being lesser than men. You listen how we cannot live without a husband and would have to rely on the charity of the congregation - and well you-ve seen what they do to others who are single parents. And then you certainly wouldn't want to break God's laws or make your husband sin because you were responsible if you didn't give him sex when he wanted it. And Lord knows you don't need that blood-guilt thing on your hands - you have enough guilt and shame going already.

  So what are your choices. Do you have any? Are you "free" to pack up your things and the kids to leave? My mother told me "You made your bed now lie in it!" Yup thanks mom -you arranged this hell I live in not me.

  The elders say you won't get into the new system if you leave. He says I won't let you go.Choices? I have choices?

  And I haven't even touched the whole "Where will I go? How will I support myself with no high school and no skills and being as stupid as I am"

  Until one day someone said to me (a non-JW) Not making a chioce IS making a choice.

  Hmm I had to think that one over. It took a while. If not deciding to stay or go was a choice then maybe I did have a choice and if I did have a choise and staying was it then I certainly didn't like that one so found another. And if I was going to be condemned for something then it would be MY choice of what I would be condemned for.

  So I left. Took me 15 years to do it.

  My point is: I never ever thought I had a right to choose to leave. And as long as I thought I had no choice I was just as much as prisoner as any person held hostage by any madman with the ability to keep me captive.

  OK I gotta go again but I have more to say so will be back later.
• 

  Lin

  Whether or not woman who have been abused by their spouses CHOOSE to stay or not, is a technicality that I don't wish to put on myself, having been abused throughout my previous 15 year marriage. Being slammed against walls, punched in the stomach while five months pregnant with my first child, being pulled by my hair from room to room, kicked, slapped, punched, called horrible names, zero access to the money, woke up many times in the middle of the night with him pulling my pj bottoms off cause he "wanted some" and being entered forcefully, etc. I could go on and on, but I won't.

  When these things would occur, and I'd call my Presiding Overseer Father, his immediate response to all of it was, "What did you do to deserve it?!"

  When I'd tell my mother about it, she'd run and tell my brothers. No one came over, no one called to ask me if I needed them to come over and help me get away from him. My brothers didn't come over and beat the shit out of him. No one did anything to help me. Oh sure.....the elders came over and counselled him, telling him if he didn't stop treating me this way that he'd be disfellowshipped. Yawn............the elders got to leave, they didn't stay to "face the music" afterwards. My husband would sit there stone faced, with his arms crossed over his chest, and look straight ahead, but not at them or me and wasn't even listening. Fifteen years.............of this.

  I left my husband three separate times, and each time my father would track me down. He'd show up and without ever asking me a word of what happened, and why I had left, his first and only words to me were, "Get your butt home where you belong".

  The third time I left my husband, I made it extremely difficult for anyone to find me, but my father still managed. He showed up, began to open his mouth to tell me once again to get my butt home yadda yadda, but I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him, "Don't even say it. Don't tell me to get my butt home where I supposedly belong. Don't tell me what to do when you haven't spent two minutes with me finding out why your daughter has left her husband. Don't ask me about the bruises. Don't ask me why I have a tear-stained face. Don't offer to help me in any way. YOU get YOUR butt home where YOU belong!" I then slammed the door in his face and he left in tears.

  When you have your own P.O. father telling you to go home, the elders not telling you that you have the choice to leave, no one calling and coming to help you, you DON'T KNOW YOU CAN LEAVE!!!!!! When all you get is "Jehovah hates a divorcing", and no where to turn, and no one to turn to, no job, no real skills since you didn't get to go to college, you find yourself with very limited resources to help yourself. Stay? Of course you stay, especially when you're a jw.

  I thoroughly enjoyed the day when I handed my husband my divorce papers. He came at me to hit me, and I fought back and I got him good. It felt great. He cried when I told him I was divorcing him and to get the hell out. He got down on his knees and begged me to forgive him, telling me he'd never do it again. I can't count anymore the number of times he's said that to me over the years. His tears meant nothing, his words meant nothing. I was numb to it all.

  I am now happier than I have ever been in all my life. I'm getting married on January 25th to the most wonderful, kind, gentle, loving man I've ever known. When we are pronounced man and wife, I will surprise him by singing the song by Barbara Streisand called, "I've dreamed of you". The words to this song are 100% perfect for me to sing to my new husband, and everyone will probably cry because as I sing the words, they will all know exactly what I am saying. It will be a beautiful day.

  Edited by - Lin on 29 November 2002 9:27:32
• 

  shera

  I was in an abusive relationship for about 2 yrs....I started to hit and fight back and I thought it was ok,if I fought back.This man was driving me nutts....I never started the fights,all he had to do was get 4 beer in him and he thought I was cheating and what ever elese was going threw his sick mind.I realized I shouldn't have to be defending myself against a coward.

  Woman do feel trapped,they do feel horrible about themselves.I was just a lucky one,that got out as fast as I did.

  The man I am with now,would never hit a woman,he knows its a cowardly thing to do.Our relationship is not perfect,but I never have to worry about being abused by someone who says,they love me...

  I have trained in martial arts and kick boxing for many yrs,because of the abuse.I think its something woman should do today,get self defense.It has helped me feel more secure.(don't get me wrong I'm not trying to sound like a toughie) The movie "Enough",I feel very close to.

  "There is many sweet,good men out there"
• 

  joannadandy

  Beautiful Garbage you and I very obviously have different perspectives on this one.

  I would counter you wouldn't know what it's like to live like that until you have been the one abused. You have the perspective of an angry child who wanted out so badly and most likely to protect her mother. And while that is a very valid point of view and you are entitled to it of course, I respectfully disagree.
• 

  Solace

  Joannadandy & Beautiful,

  So strange, I can agree with both of you and have swayed back and fouth with my mother for years. She has many other issues. She is dislexic, has always been very dependent on other people and I just found out that she was diagnosed bi-polar. I guess I have just accepted the fact that when this man tires of her, she will leave only because he makes her leave. Either that, or the worst case scenerio but I dont want to go into that. Imagine wanting to save someone who wont allow you to. Many people cant understand the frusteration on both sides unless they have been there, even having been there, Im still bewildered at times.
• 

  MrMoe

  Jurs - At a loss for words right now, but, please know I understand. What you have to come to realize is that behavior is NOT normal. It is not your fault, and you are strong enough to make it on your own. That one precise moment when u are so upset and want to throw in the towel, do it. And never look back.
• 

  Lady Lee

  Two weeks ago I went to a conference on the similarities between Stockholm Syndrome and Battered Wife Syndrome. I was fascinated. Also for many years I have inwardly known that a battered woman is just as much a hostage as a hostage victim I had never seen anything to validate the belief - until now. It seems there have been a few studies to comapre the two.

  For those of you who don't know what Stockholm Syndrome is

  In the summer of 1973, four hostages were taken in a bottched bank robbery at Kreditbanken in Stockholm, Sweden. At the end of their captivity, six days later, they actively resisted rescue. They refused to testify against their captors, raised money for their legal defense, and according to some reports one of the hostages eventually became engaged to one of her jailed captors.

  This struck some folks as weird, and as a way of coping with this uneasiness, as they started seeing more examples they named this class of strange behavior the ``Stockholm Syndrome.''

  Notorious in the United States is the case of Patty Hearst, who after being kidnapped and tortured by the Symbionese Liberation Army, took up arms and joined their cause, taking on the nom de guerre of ``Tania'' and helping the SLA rob banks.

  The Stockholm Syndrome comes into play when a captive cannot escape, is isolated and threatened with death, but is shown token acts of kindness by the captor. It typically takes about three or four days for the psychological shift to take hold.

  A strategy of trying to keep your captor happy in order to stay alive becomes an obsessive identification with the likes and dislikes of the captor which has the result of warping your own psyche in such a way that you come to sympathize with your tormenter!

  The syndrome explains what happens in hostage-taking situations, but can also be used to understand the behavior of battered spouses, members of religious cults, Holocaust victims. http://www.sniggle.net/stock.php

  One factor that is well recognized is the phenomenon of traumatic bonding that the victim has to his/her captor.

  Bonding with an abuser maybe the universal survival strategy for victims of interpersonal abuse. Studies of other hostage-like groups seem to bare this out. -- These groups are:

  • Hostages
  • Concentration Camp prisoners
  • cult members
  • prisoners of war
  • civilians in Chinese Communist prisons
  • procured prostitutes
  • incest victims
  • physically and/or emotionally abused children
  • battered women

  http://www.geocities.com/kidhistory/trauma/stockhol.htm

  This bonding is not a choice. It is a survival mechanism and even trained law enforcement officers who know and understand Stockholm syndrome are susceptible to becoming traumatically bonded to a captor. In fact the RCMP officer told us that even the person who is negotiating with the hostage-taker is susceptible to the this and then have a "second" who monitors all contact between the negotiator and the hostage-taker to make sure he is not falling into the syndrome.. And he stated that they have begun to have a "third" officer who monitors the second and takes notes. The RCMP takes this very seriously.

  Now in the case of the Stockholm case the hostages did not know their captor. They were with him for only six days and yet they all suffered from the syndrome.

  One of the points made about battered women is that they would be at an even greater risk of this traumatic bonding because they know and are in a relationship with thier "captor" and the captor has control over them for a heck of a lot longer than 6 days.