Recovering from shunning

Elsewhere

How does one recover from being shunned?

My family is shunning me. So is everyone I grew up with since I was raised in the bOrg.

How does one go about recovering from being shunned by his family? Is is possible for me to just let it go and move on?

I don't want to be "at peace" with my family. I have been patient with them for over four years. Constantly reaching out to them, letting them know that they still have a son who loves them. Quite frankly, I sick of it and am now pissed at my family.

Instead of trying to think of ways to help them, I find that I'm now obsessed with finding ways to hurt them as much as possible.

I did a search for books at Amazon.com using the key words "recover(y) shun(ning)". All I got back was a handful of fictional books.

I did a search on Google with the same key words. All I got were stories of how people were shunned... but nothing about recovery.

Am I going to have to go to a therapist? If so what kind? What should I look for in qualifications? I don't want to go to someone and have explain everything to him/her.

* Of the hating my family now and wanting to hurt them class *

Robdar

(((((((((Elsewhere)))))))))

It is only right that you are angry. You are being treated dreadfully. Also, anger is part of the grieving process that we must all go through.

For the brief time that my family shunned me, I found therapy helpful. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough money to chose my therapist. I had to rely on community programs for sliding fee payment. Talking to the therapist does help. I know that you said that you do not want to go to somebody and have to explain everything to him/her. But you should. It helps to talk about it and it lets your therapist know what you are going through.

I would recommend a therapist who specializes in grief counseling.

I wish you well in your recovery processs.

Love,

Robyn

Vivamus

I don't know sweetie. I try not to think on the people that shun me too much, I get angry and feel hurt when I do. So I am not really one to give advise on how to deal with it. But I'll give you this: (((((((((((Elsewhere)))))))))))

Skeptic

Elsewhere, run the word "cult" or "cults" through your search engine.

Some of your hits will land on issues people face when they leave a cult. Some have suggestions on how to handle those issues. Shunning is one of those issues.

This may put you on a path to finding the answers you need.

Richard

borgfree

Elsewhere,

I would recommend that you find an ex-jw support group in your area, it helps to talk about it with others who have the same experiences, like on this board.

If you are not interested in the Christian part of the groups, just tell them up front, and I think they will respect your wishes, and still welcome you into their group.

Borgfree

roybatty

I was talking with Xena the other day and she made a simple, but powerful point. As long as one has JW family, one never really gets over the shunning. So true. Ive been trying now for 2-1/2 years and its still rough. Usually I dont think about them. Nothing mean against them its just like the old saying goes "out of sight, out of mind." But my kids still have contact with my JW family and theyll say something like "Dad, aunt Liza had a baby girl" or "Dad, we were just at uncle Robs new house." Ok, I can deal with and respect their choice not to associate with me but to not even let me know that they had a baby?? Cmon, that goes beyond shunning, thats just downright mean. Yeah, at certain times shunning still hurts but I really dont believe one can completely get over it.

cruzanheart

Elsewhere, I have a terrific therapist who does understand what we're going through (partly because I've explained it all to her in GREAT detail and partly because she's worked with quite a few ex-JWs in her practice). She's at Central & Caruth Haven. E-mail me if you're interested and I'll give you the details.

Nina (of the Hanging-In-There Class)

ShaunaC

(((((Elsewhere)))))

I appreciate everything you said. My time frame is the same as yours, 4 years. Most contact, although little, was always instigated by me. We have not spoken since Feb.

I've come to understand what kinds of people I want in my life. Besides the JW issue, I've come to learn of other things about my parents (especially my dad who is a PO & has allowed, even praised a servant in his congo he knows is a pedophile), that has caused me to lose most all respect for them as human beings. For so long I excused their behavior cuz it's all they've ever known. But now it goes way beyond that.

I'm in the process of writing a very detailed and intense letter. I've been mulling it over for months & months cuz I want to express myself with as little anger as possible (although it's there) and represent myself in the most respectable way. But I don't intend to prance around the issues. This letter is my one shot to firmly say I WILL NEVER BE BACK and show the many doctrinal reasons of why. I will also be quite candid as to my disappointment as to the kind of human beings they've shown themselves to be.

My intentions are many....

To finally speak up for myself loud & clear.

Such action will either cause them to quite their shunning cuz they realize it does no good (yeah right) or they will cut me off once and for all.

To take my shot at exposing the JW's for what they really are. I don't feel they will ever leave, BUT if there is at least 1% chance to open their eyes, I need to take it.

I've become quite accustomed to not having them in my life. Hearing that my own parents don't want me to be happy in the least bit makes me want to cut them out of life completely. They do not deserve to be apart of any happy occasion in my life. I used to wonder if they would come to my wedding. Now I have no intention of ever inviting or telling them.

I understand how hard it is. I was extremely close to my family. We did everything together. But my freedom has been so worth giving them up. I have new family that love & adore me. They can't even fathom doing to me as my parents have done.

I wish you the best in your recovery. And yes....see a therapist. I intend to as well to help me continually work things out. And it is good to tell them everything. It will be quite a cleansing process for you in itself.

Shauna

LyinEyes

Eleswhere the only thing I can say that helps,,,,,,,,,,,,, is time. It takes time to realize you can not make people change and love you like you want to be loved. If they don't do it freely , it is not worth it.

My dad , really started shunning me a year ago when I refused to go to a circuit assembly. But my dad really doesnt love me enough to have me in his life, even when I was the perfect daughter and elder's wife. He just has tried for years to cut all ties with me,,,,,,,,, long story on why,, but in a nutshell he wants to forget about my mother, he has a new family, and wants to erase any traces of the old. He does this with everything in his life.

When I came to this forum, I was leaving the only thing other than my hub and children that gave me stability. It was hard, I cried alot , I was hurt so bad by many things.

So many of you took me under your wings and helped me along . I grew strong......... and I learned how to get along......... lol , i know that is a great song,,,,,,, isnt it......... But true.

Being here , having stranger who became friends gave me courage to let my Daddy go. I know deep down in my heart I still love him, but it is not the same. My life is fuller and better now that I let the strings that held us together go. I was the only one holding on and I got tired........ I got sick and tired of trying and realized that I could be happier without him.

It still hurts,,,,,,,,, but I had to accept what was not mine to change. I didnt stop loving him, he stopped loving me. I didnt shun him,,,,,,,, he shunned me. It was all his choice really and I had to accept that, and move on.

You should go back and read some of my post about my dad.......... I am very angry. I was very very angry...... to the point of wanting revenge. Now it has settled down , and I am more at peace with myself.

Hang in there Eleswhere,,,,,,,, time is the best healer really.

Utopian_Raindrops

((((((hugs)))))) Elsewhere

I would like the answer to your question also......all my family is wordly....but, except for my parents I shyed away from them and so wasn't involved with them because they were"WORLDLY". I feel like a jerk if I walk up and say..."hey...I know I have only spoken to you 3 times in 15 years,,,,,but wanna go to a ball game?"

My parents are my kids Grandparents and I didn't have the heart to cut them out....so we have them.....still I made JW's my family.......and now I am dissed. Unrightiously(I know...many innocent in jail)

Still the shunning hurts to the innermost part of your being......you feel you'll never be the same....and even if reinstated the damage will just keep festering. And I don't mean anger or hate....but ultimate sadness. How can I look at people I loved so much in the same way again.....How can I believe when they say they care......when they abandoned me and my children in our greatest need?

There is an invisible wall between me and the worldly....I can talk to them...joke with them....but if one says....your cool.....wanna go to a movie....I'm like...sorry busy....no can do. You should see the puzzled look. Now I feel there will be even if reinstated an invisible wall between me and the cong.......this damage is done and seems to be life lasting one.

I wish I could give hope...this is not a very Utopian post

I think therapy is an answer and meeting with X-JW's as already sugested........

I'd say since you have the added Heart Break

I hope and pray elsewhere you find the peace and love you need.

agape,

Utopian_Raindrops

Recovering from shunning

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