Recovering from shunning (page 4)

Lady Lee

My mother too has chosen not to talk to me. I have been out for 18 years now and we have talked a handful of times. I have given up. It is less painful that way.

Therapy can hep

So can ACOA support groups--Adult Children of Alcohols (and dysfunctional families)

And few books helped

Toxic Parents by Forward, S. & Buck, C
Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Farmer, S.
Emotional Blackmail by Forward, S.
Divorcing a Parent by Engel, B

Dealing with the loss of family is hard. Most people lose only one family member at a time. More often than not we lose our entire family and friends. It can be devastating. But we can recover. There have been some excellent ideas here

(((((to all those who feel abandoned)))))

Yizuman

Elsewhere,

My father, brother and I aren't in speaking terms either. I love them, but I don't support the kinds of things they have been doing all these years. Especially the hurt I went through. My sister and I get along ok sometimes. But she's very critical of everything, which makes me feel very uncomfortable all the time. So, I avoid her unless I neccessarly have to see her. I even tried to have her come with me to see a counselor to try and patch our relationship. She won't do it.

Dude, I would be honor to be like a brother to you. I have several ex-jdubs who are dear friends to me and they feel like family to me. They don't criticize(s?) me nor do they judge me. However they do point out some things that I may be in the wrong, but in a very good attitude, unlike what my sister does. So they make it very comfortable for me to deal with it.

I know you love your family and family is important. They are part of you and your identity. But not everyone has everything in the family. There isn't a perfect family.

Everyone here loves you and cares about you. Let alone a few handful of jerks on this forum who doesn't care. We don't need them.

Elsewhere

Thank you so much everyone.

So many emotions at once.

I should be ok tonight... I "crash" like this now and then. Depression is something I inherited from my parents. -- "Thanks mom"

Your emails and chatting have helped me so much.

Thank you again.

A special thank you goes out to Heaven... you always seem to know how to cheer me up.

searcher

I am not, nor ever have been JW, neither are any of my family, however I do understand being 'shunned', I will explain.

When I was 11 years old, I accepted some stolen chocolate from 1 of my cousins, he subseqently landed in juvenile court for 14 charges, including Burglary, shoplifting and stealing from cars. ( he is 2 years older than me).

I was in court right next to him charged with accepting the stolen chocolate.This was the only crime I ever commited.

After the court case, his mother ( my mothers sister), convinced the whole of that side of the family that I had 'led my cousin astray' and that I was the evil one. All of them (5 uncles and 4 aunts) then stopped having anything to do with me, I was not welcome in thier house, nor to play with thier children.

When I did have contact with them, because they did not avoid my mother, I was treated as if I was not there, except that sometimes comments would be made about me as if I was not there.

My solution to this was to study the situation, and what I observed was, although it was the 1 aunt who hated me, the rest just fell in line, so they MUST have disliked me in the first place.

I then went on the attack, because IMHO people who would treat a person that way, have no respect for that person, and therefore deserve no respect back.

Some have since 'come around' others have not, but it does not bother me either way. I do not want people who are capable of such actions as my friends or family, so I live without them.

You may choose your friends, you are stuck with your family. I live my life by this.

This is the way I dealt with the situation, but I had to learn quick, I was only 11 years old and thats a little hard.

searcher.

Billygoat

(((((((((((Elsewhere))))))))))))))

This is a little long, but PLEASE read through it. I've got a couple important things I think you should hear.

I know things are especially hard around the holidays since everything is always about "family" and spending time with those you love. I have an especially hard time during Christmas myself. Even though I never celebrated Christmas with my parents, it's hard because I see other people spend time with their families. I don't know if it's the time of year that's difficult or just a blue phase, but either way I understand how you feel right now. I have a hard time too even though I've got some great in-laws that treat me like their own child. (Sometimes better than their children! LOL!)

As for "getting over it" at some point, I don't know. I'm not there yet. But I do know that divorcing my parents is the best thing I've ever done in my life. For almost 12 years they've had an emotional hold on me even if they didn't realize it. Why? Because their "hold" was in MY HEAD. I had complete control over my reactions to their behavior...but for years, I never saw it that way. I felt like they controlled the whole relationship with THEIR shunning. But this past May when Mozzer and I got engaged, I took control back. I point blank told them if they didn't come to the wedding or share my life by contacting me (instead of ME contacting them all the time) then there would be no contact. I told them "from here on out" any relationship that was pursued would have to come from them - not me. It was the best (and hardest) thing I ever had to say. I bawled like a baby for weeks. But I had finally taken control of MY life. Since then, I have not called or emailed my parents once. And since then, my parents have contacted me three times. That's more than the last several years combined! Why should they have contacted me when I always called or emailed first, right?

As for now...Life is good. It's not always easy, but it sure feels good to have made a healthy choice for myself and feel better about my life. I feel much more in control. My panic attacks and depression have been minimized. Megadude's pointers are great pointers to keep handy. I'll never forget one conversation I had with him. (One where I was bawling so hard I could hardly breathe!) He asked me, "Why do you continually expect love from people who are physically incapable of providing it? Why do you continually set yourself up to be disappointed?" I had to really think about that. Think about it for a second. If you were thirsty, would you go to the desert? Wouldn't it be silly to go to the desert and be disappointed when you realize there is no water? Common sense makes you realize you don't go to the desert to get water. You go to a body of water to get your thirst quenched. Same here. When you need love, affirmation, comfort, advice or just plain old company...go to the people who can provide it. Don't go to people who will make you feel lousy about yourself. Does that make sense?

I wish you the best dear. It does get better. Like someone else said...time is a great healer of heartaches. But in the meantime we have a wonderful blessing on our hands. We get to choose our family! Who on earth gets to choose someone to be their mother, father, sister, or brother? WE DO! Megadude is my older, protective, and wise(ass) brother who shares my penchant for fine wine and chocolate. (((()))) VeniceIT is my sister who has the voluptuous figure I'll always envy. Joy2bfree and Just2laws and COMF are my parents. (Go figure that one out! LOL!) See, it's easy. I'll go first. I choose you to be my long lost brother...you're not forgotten at all. So if you'd like to spend Christmas with your little sister and her new in-laws you're more than welcome to do so! We'd love to have you!

Your sis,
Andi

Solace

((((((((Elsewhere))))))))

Nancy K

What you wrote was beautiful, It helped me, but the hardest for me is a little 6 year old girl who wants to see me and I her, I think I can do what you're saying towards the others, but I'm havin' a rough time trying to accept that I may never see her again! We were so close..I am debating going to court to get 'grandparents visitation'..The heck with the rest of them..Do you think that's a good idea? Thanks and peace to you..Nancy K

target

The first 10 years that I was in the Borg I had no idea how damaging shunning was to the one being shunned until I was disfellowshipped and experienced it first hand. Being reinstated does not erase the damage, not even after 20 more years have passed.

It has ocurred to me that most of those in the Borg also have no idea how deeply they are hurting those they shun. Someone with "a way with words" should write an article discribing what iit is like and how being shunned does not make one "come to their senses" but rather reinstatement is done to end the shunning, but the hurt stays. This article could be posted here so everyone being shunned could print it and send it to those doing the shunning with the hope that it may reach their hearts and they may see that if your truly love someone, it should not be possible to willingly inflict such hurt.

I am fortunate in that the only family I had in the Borg left when I did. That seems to be a rare thing.

I don't know if such an article would be effective or not. It might be worth a try.

Elsewhere: I truly feel for you. I have family who treat me that way and it has nothing to do with any religion. It does make you bitter and angry, and it just makes you hate the Borg all the more for causing it.

Millie

Shakita

(((((((((((to everyone here))))))))))))))))))

So many scars that will never heal completely.

Elsewhere:

My husband has also chosen to go see a therapist. Exiting the JW's with all the baggage that follows, can be too much to handle sometimes. And, if you have a history of depression, this makes it all the worse. This could be something to consider. Please take care of yourself.

Mrs. Shakita

pettygrudger

((Elsewhere)) - I don't know - I wish I did.

My heart goes out to you though - we've all probably felt this way from time to time.

Recovering from shunning

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