Recovering from shunning

by Elsewhere 46 Replies latest jw friends

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  Solace

  ((((((Elsewhere))))))

  Im SO sorry you are feeling this right now. Its not fair.

  I refuse to ignore my family even though they keep their distance. I cant behave as they do. I guess Im still hoping that someday they will wake up even though I know its probably pathetic & wishful thinking on my part. I cant be angry at them anymore.

  The WTS is what I hate so I will continue to speak out against them, probably until I die.

  Please dont EVER hurt yourself.

  Edited by - heaven on 12 December 2002 18:0:44
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  jurs

  Elsewhere,

  When I see members of the congregation I now smile and say hi. If opportunity is there I now try and talk to them . I do this because they are shunning me to make me ashamed and I want to send a clear message I'm not ashamed. It also then puts the discomfort on the other foot . They have to shun me. Thats not easy or fun for most to do. Perhaps it will cause THEM to be ashamed.

  As far as family is concerned , now that is a different matter. That hurts. I recommend avoiding situations where you are setting yourself up to be hurt. I wouldn't call or write. If you have situations like funerals where therre is no avoiding the situation I would then make a point to say hello because your going to feel that hurt no matter what, at least you will know that you didn't act ashamed or guilty.

  Time does heal and even though its family, you can get over this. Counseling does help. It doesn't have to be an expert in JW's . Are you married? Do you have kids? Focus on them. Make non JW friends and allow those friendships to replace that hole.

  Of course , I think that HERE, this forum, is especially helpful. Because everyone here understands the JW world and the pain it can cause.

  Hugs to you

  jurs
• 

  LyinEyes

  Eleswhere I know exactly how you feel, I wanted to see my dad's face , if I were really gone , at times. I am afraid he would be too busy out in service to attend my funeral,,,,,, I am not joking either. Now that I am d/az,,,,,,, he would act sad just for attention, I think.

  When it comes down to it,,,,,,,,,,,,, we have to accept it when they throw us away.

  Maybe Eleswhere your family still loves you, I often wonder if my dad loves me. There is hope that one day he will at least see what he lost,,,,,,,, no what he threw away. But I can't hold my breath on a hope. My mother is gone, you know she committed suicide she was so damn sad and alone after being d/f and dumped by my dad for a young sister in our congregation. But even thou she is gone I feel if she were here she would love me still. My mother was more honest, open, and loving, she was always cut from a different cloth than the average witness, even as an elder's wife, she was so geniune. She was almost like an angel at times, she was so good to others, it was easier for her to be that way than with us it seemed. But at least I know she had issues that were her own, and that maybe if she were still here with me, we would be together .

  I too, will be forgotten by my dad and my little half sister. I am sure they tell her I am the devil, that I am nothing but trash. It hurts ,but one day maybe she will look me up and I can be a real sister to her. She is only 12,,,,,, so I can't see her.

  Eleswhere ,,,,,,,,, I hope you know how many people care about you and wish they could take your pain and throw it away forever.
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  MegaDude

  Else,

  It may not ease your pain but it may help you see your situation in a different light.

  Say you have a friend, a guy, that comes to you and he says, "My wife treats me like dirt. She never pays any attention to me. She acts like I don't even exist. She told me she is content to live this way. I think she plans on treating me this way forever. What should I do?"

  Actually, I had a friend, a neighbor, that told me exactly that. After we talked about his future and if he really wanted to be happy, if he could see himself with someone else in the future that loved him, what it might cost him psychologically and financially to stay where he was for years and years to come, he moved out and got a divorce. His only regret? That he didn't do it sooner.

  Somtimes family is like that. You need to just divorce them and move on. There are plenty of posters here that have done it. Billygoat comes to mind as of late. It's not easy. It's just necessary sometimes for your OWN personal well being.

  How can family or parents that treat you like you don't exist be worth having?

  Sometimes in life we make very hard choices. Only in hindsight are they worth it.

  Megs

  (who left behind multiple friends, inlaws, wife, best friend and brother, mother)

  Edited by - megadude on 12 December 2002 19:44:51
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  CBeMe

  (((((Elsewhere)))))

  I'msorry you're having a hard time today.

  CBeMe
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  Big Tex

  Elsewhere

  I'm at work and I've just seen this thread. Man, I am so sorry you ended up with a lousy family. Your thoughts and feelings are identical to mine circa 1990. I didn't go to my JW mother's funeral. I was left out of the funeral talk and the notice in the newspaper. I haven't spoken to my father in 10 years. At first it hurt. It felt like they had won and I was simply erased out of existence. But realize that is a feeling, it is not reality. You are not erased by your family. You have survived your family. Never forget that. You have value and you are worth more than them.

  How does one go about recovering from being shunned by his family?

  You grieve what was taken from you. You mourn the loss of what you deserved to have but were denied by some very selfish people. You get angry at those who should have cared for you and about you, but instead have abandoned you. You attach the feelings to where it belongs. You have a lot of sadness and anger right now and it's all turned inward. Those feelings are acting as a poison to your body and mind. Find someone to talk to, that's the only way to purge the poison. It can be a professional, it can be a friend, but you've got to talk about what you experienced, what you've lost and what it all means to you. That's the only way to purge the poison.

  If your family of origin is not there for you, then you create a new family. It will take time, but you need to build for yourself a family of friends. My children have never met my father or my sisters (and I hope they never do), but they have a plethora of aunts and uncles who deeply care for them. Over Thanksgiving we had a dozen people over for a feast of turkey and ham and all the trimmings. Except for my father in law, no one was related to us. But they were there because they cared about us, and we care about them. A couple of people even introduce me as their brother. I've always viewed myself as a branch cut off from a dead tree and then re-planted. I've nothing to do with the old tree. Instead I'm making a new tree. Hopefully it's better; certainly it's more loving. It takes time to grow a tree and to build a new family. But it's a positive life affirming thing.

  I'm sorry for rambling on so long. It's just this is one of the few subjects discussed on this forum that I know something about.
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  blondie

  Elsewhere, I feel for you. My JW family has played a manipulative game with me and each other for years. I assume that you have good memories of past association with your family which is why the shunning affects you more than some of us who were abused and are still abused by our family members.

  I think Big Tex has hit on the right idea. Make a new family for yourself not dependent on shared genetic material or religious background. That is what I have been doing for the last 5 years. I finally realized that association with my JW family was damaging to me and my other family. They are surprised and angry that I don't seem to care that they are avoiding (shunning) me.

  People die and we bury them. But when relationships die we tend to hang onto the illusions.

  I've looked at love from both sides now
  From give and take, and still somehow
  It's love's illusions I recall

  Blondie
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  Jesika

  Everyone here has made so many good points and analogies I don't think I have much to add.

  I wanted to post earlier but didn't know what to say. Since I have been df'd for 12 yrs I went without contact with anyone for about 7 yrs. There were VERY brief instances where I would speak with my family, but then it went back the same way------silent.

  After 7 yrs (and a very numb heart), I was leaving my husband, and my mom was getting divorced too. I NEVER THOUGHT IN A MILLION YRS that would happen.

  I am not best friends with my mom or sister. I used to be very close to my sis but alot of time and hurt have been making the "getting close again" a slow process. My mom and I were never close, so we are working on that after 26 yrs.

  I know it is very hard to deal with, but you never know what the future holds.

  I gave up all hope of ever seeing my family again. I figured I would see them again, at their funeral, if someone was able--or chose to contact me.

  I made around me what BigTX described-----a family of friends. That has helped me through those very tough yrs.

  I still haven't seen anyone on my father's side for 12yrs, and well, ya it hurts when I think about it, but I choose to say to myself-------it is THERE LOSS!!!!! I am a great person and I don't deserve to be treated like that.

  Just like being in an abusive relationship, you have to get out and move on. Ya it hurts, but time will make it easier.

  DON'T YOU DARE DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOUR SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a very sweet, kind, and fun person to be around. Maybe me and my bf need to take you to the "bar"

  You have my # and if you don't still have it I will email it to you. I am ALWAYS home and usually awake really late. I didn't get to bed till 6:30am today. So, feel free to call me, I am here for you.

  I was serious about the "bar" thing!!!!!!!! That'll lift your "spirits. I am not trying to make light of the topic by saying that, just a way to escape for a little while and be amoung friends.

  LOVE ALWAYS,

  Jes
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  found

  (((((((Elsewhere))))))) and ((((((((all the rest of you!)))))))))

  This thread has truly touched a raw spot for me as well. No thread yet has made me cry the way this one has! I too was raised as a jw as were all of my family (and extended family.) All of my friends were jw's too of course. When I left 5 years ago, df'd actually (on purpose), it was as if I was jumping off of a cliff into the unknown. The scariest thing Iv'e ever done! The reason it was so scary is just what all of you have been talking about. The shunning is VERY traumatizing! I do think that it breaks their hearts to do it tho, and that gives me some strange sort of comfort, guess knowing they still love me?

  Not a day goes by when I don't greive the loss of my family and friends, sometimes it's just for a moment, but it's still there. The crying spells are less now, thanks to time I guess..but reading threads like this just bring it all on again.

  I agree with what many others have said, fill your life with new friends and family and with as much positive activity you can fit in! Know and remember that we are all here too and that we understand and really do "feel your pain".

  Hugs!

  Found
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  Shutterbug

  How can one organization cause so much misery ?? Not only are people such as Elswhere and Megadude hurting but the families that are shunning them are also hurting. You would think that one day they (the org) would see the error of their ways, but don't hold your breath. Elswhere, you are very intelligent and a real gentleman, and you have many friends, as has been shown on this thread. So hold your head up and ask for help anytime you wish.