Need advice

Darkknight757

Hi.I've been pouring over this site for the past few days looking for some advice and I hope there is someone here that can help a guy out. I'm desperate.....Short bio: I came into the organization after high school and shortly after married a wonderful girl who was born-in.We have been happily married now for nearly 20 years and things were well until 2015 hit. By the way, I currently serve as an Elder and have the ""privilege"" of being the "Watchtower overseer".

Either here nor there, we were told we would never have children but late last year my wife became prego!! It was fantastic. We were so elated!!Unfortunately 20 weeks in we lost our baby. This was a great blow and during this time I really started to take a fresh look at my life. I noticed one broadcast were Brother Lett was toting the gold pinky ring while asking for more money and that kinda made me mad.Worse and most offensive was the Regional Convention encouraging parents to withhold drivers licenses to children until they "dedicate themselves to Jehovah."Either way my wife and I have since lost a second baby and the friends at the hall just tell us, "Don't worry, you'll see them again in paradise." Yea right! It's hard to understand something you personally have never experienced. My poor wife just cries and it makes me so mad that she has to go through this.

My long story has a point though.I'm looking for help. I have no desire to serve and I really don't want to be a part of this organization any more. I have this Watchtower responsibility that just makes me sick. I hate referring to people as "unbelievers" and all the mind control.Grandpa always taught me to show love and respect to ALL people.How do I tell my wife who was born-in that I no longer wish to serve "the dark sheep?"How do I go about the fade being so deep in?My wife means more to me than anything and I'm so afraid of what could happen if I tell her how I feel. I know it sounds ridiculous but it's the truth.Please help!!!

zarco

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Huge good thoughts and hugs for you and your wife. And while most of the folks on the site do not believe anymore, it might be best to take some time for you and your wife to heal emotionally before you make a lot of decisions. Reach out to trusted family and friends if possible. Reach out and embrace each other like never before and build your relationship even stronger. It will take some time. A lot of folks have had good results speaking with grief counselors and other professionals.

After you heal as well as you can maybe then address how and when to start your fade.

All the kindness to you and your wife.

Zarco

punkofnice

How do I go about the fade being so deep in?My wife means more to me than anything and I'm so afraid of what could happen if I tell her how I feel.

Hi, and welcome DK.

I am sorry to hear about your losses. Yes, it is very tough. I know, first hand about the loss of a child.

I was an elder and simply stopped attending once I realised I was being conned by the scam. It cost me my marriage and almost my sanity.

I think you'll usually get the replies that you should start your fade by stepping down as an elder because you're feeling ill with depression. You might not get your wife out of the cult, especially if she's holding on to a resurrection hope.

You might carry on as normal but pose difficult questions whilst pretending to be a householder in a ministry role play with family worship night. Take your time but I think the first step is to feign depression or 'humbly' step down because of the pressure you're under following your losses.

Simon

It's a tough time, both losing a child and leaving the religion, so you have my sympathy. The fake 'hope' and comfort they offer probably makes your loss a lot harder to deal with.

I'm not sure anyone can really advise you what to do - no one really knows what is going on in someone else's head or how they will react to the decision you make but I'm sure many will share their own experiences which may help.

I consider myself lucky. Although my wife didn't go along with my choices initially I was able to win her round and ironically the thing that finally convinced her was the elders inability to answer questions without resorting to making threats to "shut up or else".

You may be surprised. She may be supporting you in your position but not really believe it deep down but even so people have been conditioned to have a certain initial response so don't expect celebrations but hope for the best.

I think having to convince someone is the most likely outcome which means there is a possibility you won't.

Maybe asking more questions - "how do you feel about [whatever]" or "do you really believe [whatever]" will draw her opinions out while still providing a way for you to safely retreat / not take too absolute a position so you can 'regroup' and aim to go a little slower.

OneEyedJoe

First off - I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you two have been through.

I think you are, however, in the perfect position to step down without raising an eyebrow. You and your wife likely have a lot on your minds and I don't think you'll get much resistance if you step down as an elder in order to have more time to cope and tend to your wife's and your own emotional well being. I suspect that'll be relatively easy.

Next step is the tough one. Telling your wife that you no longer believe is a difficult conversation that no one wants to have and its impossible for any of us here to tell you the right way to go about it. You know your wife better than anyone, so I would just advise you to read what you get here and evaluate how you see it fitting with your wife's personality and her connection to the cult.

Many have had success with slowly planting seeds with their spouse resulting in an eventual awakening. Some have just come out in one fell swoop, and that sometimes leads to the spouse waking up and sometimes it leads to separation/divorce. In my case, I tried planting seeds for about a year before I had a big blow-up with the wife and came out about my non-belief. While I doubt that she would have woken up either way, I think it would've gone far better had I been up-front with her about everything from the beginning.

Whatever happens, know you're not alone in any of this. I wish you the best of luck in everything you're dealing with.

All for show

The loss of a child is said to be one of the worst things that can happen to a person/couple. Especially, since you have not gotten to experience the joys just heartache. I hope things work out so you can experience the smiles, giggles, and love a little person can bring. This religion almost acts like children are a burden and disadvantage in serving God, its sick.

I don't have experience with stepping down... and we were fading before we were even awake due to circumstance. I do believe because of your wifes grief, the shallow sympathy, and complete lack of understand with your losses, you may be able to win her over about how shallow-empty this religion is.

Being a women and a mother, I don't know if I would go and tell her you don't believe right off, only you know her, but... she has serious emotions due to grief, I don't know about adding the grief of a husband who fell away.

no-zombie

Hi Darkknight757,

It sounds like you are quite stressed about what going on around you and while you may feel like you are going to pop, the best thing you can do at the moment is to fake it until you know what you really want to do. Many of us here are in your shoes, either currently serving as elders or ex-elders with wives still in the organization. It a hard problem when the people we love don't understand things as we do, that for sure. And because it would be wrong for me to tell you what to do, I have decided not to tell my wife everything and just slow down theocraticly and wait for the organization to implode and be there to pick up the pieces. Of course i'm viewed at lazy but for me and my circumstances better that other alternatives out there, as you know. Hang in there, you'll work it out.

KateWild

Welcome to the board Darkknight,

I am so sorry for your loss it's a deep wound to lose a child or children like this. I understand your position that you don't want to preach about falsehoods any more. Stepping down as an elder is your first move.

As a woman if I was in her position, I would appreciate extra attention. So you could take her for nice meals out and day trips on a meeting day. Tell her she needs to heal and missing the odd meeting will benefit her if you both are doing something productive. Get her to talk about how she feels about waiting so long to have children and if she has any regrets. You can use this to undermine the GB.

These would be steps I would respond to as a woman.

Kate xx

Darkknight757

Thank you for the kind thoughts. The other Elders know I have been depressed as does my wife. As Punkofnice and OneEyedJoe said, perhaps the stepping down thing won't be much of a problem after all. I really need to spend time with my wife and this responsibility that I blindly took up takes up so much free time a long with having a full time job.

In reality, I wouldn't mind so much supporting my wife if she decided to stick with the meetings for a time. I often wonder by her attitude toward things if maybe we share similar thoughts. She never takes a door in the ministry and I can see the anxiety on her face before going to the meetings.

Zoos

Your wife is your "out".

Tell the body you are stepping down to focus on your wife. Don't take any crap for your decision and don't let your wife talk you out of it.

You can work out the details of a slow fade after that.

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