Need advice (page 4)

EdenOne

DK, welcome to the forum.

I'm very sorry for your losses. I don't think I'm able to grasp the pain and loss you and your wife may be going through, but as the father of an awesome 18-year old child, I certanly know the kind of nightmares the mere thought of it brings up. Hang in there, your wife needs you.

You're not really in a position to drop out suddenly, but your wife is certainly a good excuse for you to start relinquishing some organizational "privileges" that are burdening you - you need to support her and focus on her needs. And take it VERY slowly. Be considerative of your wife's feelings about you slowing down your activity in the congregation, as she may take it as a double loss, and even feel guilty about it. You need to make sure she doesn't get that feeling. Spend a lot of time with her, maybe plant a few seeds of TTATT here and there, but, above all, let her see that the congregation isn't the spiritual paradise that the GB wants the JWs to believe they live in is nothing but vaporware, that when problems arise and you appear to be weakening, they turn against you.

All my words couldn't really persuade my wife, but it was the unloving, unchristian tratment that I got from the congregation and JW friends when I began to express doubts and dissent that caused her to finally join me in leaving this disgusting cult.

In any case, now it's the time to read read read, strenghten your ideas, and take your time to think about an exit strategy that will leave your marriage intact.

Eden

brandnew

So sorry.......that must hurt....very bad.....my heart is with you.

Im not like alot.....i wont say..."i know what your going through".....cuz i never have....and i wont lie to you.

I will tell u something.....what we go through....makes us stronger ..for what we are about to go through...

Its weird....but if you can understand that....yay ☺

Heartsafire

Darkknight,

My heart goes out to you and your wife as you both grieve.

I totally understand how you feel about wanting out of the org as I am currently fading despite the fact that my husband is still very much in.

Everyone's situation is different in pulling off a successful fade. I am not certain the best route for you to go on this, but others here can help you as they have been elders/ms before. Given your wife's miscarriages, however, I could see this being a very acceptable reason in the eyes of the congregation for stepping down as an elder--depression, etc.

The way I have chosen to fade is by backing off on serve-us and meeting attendance and simultaneously focusing my time and attention on my husband and our relationship. At first it was hard but it's gotten easier with time.

Anyway, welcome to the site, and I wish you and your wife all the best.

tornapart

Darknight, I'm so sorry for your losses. Having lost a baby myself I know the deep pain it brings. My husband was an elder at the time too. Although we were both fully 'in' ( he still is) I was grateful for the love and support he gave me. All I would say is if you step down, under the circumstances I don't think anyone would be surprised. My husband did step down for a while several years later because we felt it was important for our relationship that he did so. At the moment I would say that your wife needs you, rather than having to share you with the congregation. To be honest I'm sure you need each other right now, without the congregation getting in the way. Tell the other elders that you feel it's important for you and your wife at the moment to give time to each other and you can't do this while you are an elder. Once you have stepped down you will have the time and the space to work out how you are going to continue. Wishing you all the very best.

whathappened

I have lost a newborn baby and it was a horrible experience. No one who has not experience it can truly understand how painful it is to lose a loved and wanted child.

As the spiritual head, you could direct the family study night to subjects that are, well, kinda eye opening.

I would study www.jwfacts.com and use that as a guide. Do the blood issue and the many, many Pharisaical doctrine that there is no scriptural backing for. There are tons things, such as birthdays, the qualifications for elders/MS, etc that you can use. (ie., where does it say that a person has to have 10 hours a month of FS to qualify for a MS, etc.)

Maybe you could gently lead her down a path that will lead her out of her own spiritual darkness.

Darkknight757

Without getting all sappy I have to say truly that the expressions from all of you have been 1000 times more encouraging than what we have received these last 6 months. Thank you for the kind thoughts.

Ive been pouring over jwfacts.com and am appalled but relieved too to see that my thoughts about the org have been correct.

Very interesting!!

Finkelstein

That video of A Morris instructing the probable use of blackmail to force teens to get baptized from their parents is both sickening and disturbing to say the least.

Its also disturbing how the WTS leaders always insert that what they are doing is Jehovah's will and that they are just his guiding instructors of that will.

If one were to carefully read the bible, it clearly states by mostly JC himself to stay clear of false prophets, maybe he should have added and those who would try to falsely commercialize his Gospel .

Someone should remind Morris that Christ himself wasn't baptized until he was 30, a full grown adult.

Well who follows Christ's directions and teaching any ways ? ........ obviously not the Watchtower Corporation.

_Morpheus

Dark knight.... you could be telling my story in many ways. I was Wt study conductor when i realized the truth about the truth. I ultimately used it to spread a little truth, to ask thought provoking questions and general be a bit of a 'dark sheep' elder for a while... but the stress ate me alive. A chance came up for me to be secretary and I jumped on it and used that as my reason to step down as WT conductor. The real relief came when I finally got out of being an elder all together.

The best thing I can say is that its a process. Its common that when we realize the truth we want to shout SHIT!!!! from the rooftops and beat ourselves for not seeing it sooner. We want to hurry up and convince our loved ones that its not the truth and run like hell from the whole thing.....

Not gonna work. take it from the countless experiences on this board, that plan is doomed to failure. Im not saying you should pretend forever, that also is doomed to failure. The most successful path is one of measured steps.

Step down from being an elder.

about six months after that you can begin really slacking off in FS.

About six months after slacking in FS you can duck meetings more and more....

in a short year maybe year and half you can be all but gone.

It sounds easy but I know full well the emotional and social complications of such actions.. but thats the best, highest probability of success pathway.

In the end, you and only you have to live with the results of your decisions and actions. Take everything we all say on this board with a grain of salt, remembering YOU have the final say and the final responsibility for your actions.

Take your time. Be smart. Be strong. We are all here cheering you on.

Strength and Honor Brother

Sabin

Hello Darknight, it is so nice to meet you. You & your wife obviously have a very loving relationship, that is the most positive thing here. The trust she has for you will be essential to her waking up to the Borg. The others here are right you have a perfectly good reason for stepping aside (not down) so go for it. The time you gain spend with your wife, go for drives to no-where so she can just talk, walk & hold her hand, have a weekly movie night & watch happy films ect. You get the idea, build even more on the trust you already have.

The loss of two, wow, you both sound very brave individuals. Your wife sounds like an amazing woman. The emotional strain for her must be huge, I think the most helpful thing for you both would be to seek out a good Psychologist, you are not required to tell anyone that your doing this, it is personal to you & your wife. You may go together or alone or separately there are no fixed rules. A woman may prove to be the best bet for your wife. Most people can say sorry or give advise which we are all doing here however speaking to a trained professional who will listen as you pour yourself out can really help in the healing process & you can be sure that it will go no further. Go talk to your GP, they usually have good recommendations. BIG HUG for you both. Sabin.

jean-luc picard

my deepest simpathy to you and your wife darkknight.

I have little to add to the good advice already offered but wanted to add my welcome to all the others.

My only advice:spend time with your wife. she needs it. plan little treats together. you may well find she has a preference for a weekend away for the two of you, than going in field service and to the meetings.

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