Stereotypical Witnesses

by tazmaniac 47 Replies latest jw friends

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  tazmaniac

  OK....we all had them...perhaps we were one of them....STEREOTYPICAL WITNESSES. There were many stereotypes that proved to be in congregation after congregation. What stereotypical witnesses do you remember. I will start with two. Add your own favorites ....

  1) Sister perfect : perfect hair, perfect comments, perfect everything....even has 3 extra pairs of shoes in the car "just in case". Has every conceivable item at her finger tips. Note : Watchtower conductor looks to her when no one else has there has hand up.

  2) Grumpy soldier : Older brother who always seems he has a wild hair up his A@@. But he is the first to comment how happy the truth has made him.
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  unique1

  Sister Life Long Pioneer: The one pioneer that thinks she is better than everyone else because she can put in 90 hours of field service time, drive a school bus part time, highlight all her answers in corresponding colors and still raise her easily influenced, not so intelligent children who all end up leaving because they get pregnant at 16. But she is still better than all of us cause she still gets in 90 hours of field service.

  Brother Psycho: The one beedy eyed brother who looks around at all the sisters during the meeting and when they catch him looking it makes the sister feel so uncomfortable they want to climb underneath a chair.

  Sister Psycho: The one in the back who is always smiling and always makes weird comments that are off topic and in some cases dances to the songs when they are being sung.

  Don't you always wish Brother Psycho and Sister Psycho would hook up because they are usually single and would just go so well together.
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  NeonMadman

  How about Sister Perpetual Virgin? You know, the elder's daughter/JW princess who can never find a man who is good enough and "theocratic" enough for her (and/or for her daddy), who may not even be looking, since Armageddon is sooooo close, and who starts to get nervous about things when she hits 40 or 45 and still isn't married and Armageddon hasn't come yet...
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  worldlygirl

  Brother/Sister Teenage Rebel: Sits in chair with arms crossed, sour expression, looking down throughout every talk, refuses to move lips during songs.
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  cruzanheart

  and who starts to get nervous about things when she hits 40 or 45 and still isn't married and Armageddon hasn't come yet...

  Right on! . . . so she marries a really old guy who'll take anything in a skirt and promptly produces three children. He struts around the Hall like a stud muffin, and she soon begins looking as old as he is. No more smiles.

  I knew a few of them.

  Nina
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  integ

  Brother Can't use the bathroom at home: This brother consistently goes number 2 in the KH restroom, and grunts and groans like he's giving birth to a baby. He is very overweight, and wears bad suits, and the bathroom smells terrible after he's done. Then he walks back to his seat with a guilty look on his face.
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  Country Girl

  You forgot sister StrangeandOld. Wears almighty red hats with obnoxiously long pheasant feathers in them. Every time she turns around she tickles your nose. She wears gaudy, vintage clothes that she picked up from the Salvation Army store and her pock-marked saggy breasts are conveniently colliding in the V of her neckline. She wears jewelry from a garage sale, and that brooch she has pinned high atop her swelling buzzem teeters catastrophically on the edge of the cliff formed by her push-up bra.

  Her legs are sheathed in the latest bright-colored tights from L'Eggs and her calves and ankles rush toward her bunions, which are housed in a strappy pair of crackled old leather complimentary colored sandals. Her breath smells of old onions and liver, as a result of her not getting the bits of food housed like prisoners in the pockets of her gums. She can't afford a dentist because she is putting in too many hours in field service to either make enough money at a real job to afford one, or doesn't have the time. Her weight goes up as her field service hours go up.

  She is obnoxiously loud and vociferous, and merely tolerated by the mainstream JW crowd, because of her obvious love of field service. The elders ignore complaints about her because she is "eccentric" and that's "just the way she is." She insinuates herself into every conversation after the meeting, and floats around the Kingdom Hall like a butterfly in a field of flowers, demanding that she be heard on every topic discussed.

  She has been married once, a long time ago, to a brother who was disfellowshipped for fooling around on her. Tragically hurt, and has never gotten over it enough to find another mate. My best guess is no one wants her. She feels this deep inside her soul, but wears her tragedy like a martyr, and makes sure everyone knows how deep her sorrow and grief are.

  She hangs around the other "vintage" sisters and they all somehow form a clique of martyred sisters who have nothing more in common than field service and their tragedies, worn like a metal upon their battered breasts. They are too young and strange to hang with the elder's wives, and too old to hang with the young people. They car group together and tell each other stories of long lost loves back in the days when they were bright-eyed virgins with myriads of suitors in suits.

  Sad.. but oh so true.

  Country Girl
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  Francois

  Country Girl - my compliments. Well done, well done indeed. Have you got one about her male counterpart? I'd love to see it.

  francois
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  shamus

  Brother weirdo... the one who has no friends... has ugly clothes, that look so out of date, but doesn't care... smells funny.... always says hello... you want to run away whenever you see him.... talks non-stop obsessively about something all the time...

  bleah.
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  Hamas

  Don't forget Brother Faruparse.

  Son of an elder, groomed in a perfect Witness scenario by both mommy and daddy. A true company yes man so early in years, he has never had to worry about getting a nice new suit to look good in, or never worries about money at all. Daddy, an elder, and mommy, a pioneer both support him 100 per cent as he leaves school and enters into the full time service work.

  Through daddy's influence, he becomes a Ministerial Servant at 18, and becomes the congregations little blue eyed boy. No need to worry about the cost of driving lessons, or tax , insurance, daddy will pay for all that. He's so fantastic, he always gets invited out to social events because he is in the right circles of course !

  Oh he's so fantastic, he can even counsel a person significantly older than himself, yes, even in front of others. Yet can he see where he is walking? No, because he has his head stuck right up his ass !

  All that, and word from the C/O indicates that, because the C/O has evaluated his spirituality thanks to numerous visits to mommy and daddy, Brother Faruparse MAY WELL BE BROTHERS the COMFORTER fortold by CHRIST HIMSELF. We shall see.

  Oh yeah, and Its so good and perfectly OK that he gets married at 19, because he is SO SO MATURE. He is WISE beyond his years.