Stereotypical Witnesses

by tazmaniac 47 Replies latest jw friends

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  embalmed

  Sister Singlemomohsopoor sounds a lot like my mum except for the Aux Pioneering, home Bible study and tattling, although she does gossip.

  And Brother Fartzdontstink describes several people in my congregation. They all have brand new $40K cars and huge entertainment systems and mysteriously seem to have time to attend every meeting and field service and whatever else they may be doing, including conduct meetings and hold bible studies at their house.

  I have a couple of my own:

  Brother Hobo: Doesn't appear to have a home, comes to meetings in a suit, although doesn't appear to have bathed in months. Is believed to attend meetings only to receive free meals from Brother and Sister Giving.

  Young brother/sister Getmeoutofhere: Usually the small children who aren't related in any way to an elder who obviously don't want to sit still in a chair for two hours. They'll sometimes start talking loudly or cry, and can often be found lying on the floor, digging through bookbags or poking peoples' butts thru the cracks in the back of the seats. Sometimes taken outside and slapped around.

  Sister Busybody: Always knows all the details of everyone's personal lives and spreads it around like the flu. Homely as hell and likes to invite everyone out in the ministry, particularly the children of Sister Singlemomohsopoor. Often searches you out and forces you to converse with her so she can know more about your personal life and tell it to others.

  Sister Candyeater: Noticably eats candy through-out the entire meeting. Can always be heard unwrapping loudly and slowly.
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  Rainmakerone

  young brother jack-off

  poor young jack has a serious masturbation problem.

  in the last 3 years he has done it twice now and hence is on the slippery road to eternal destruction.

  he can be seen in the back room confessing his secret sin to Elder lets-hear-all-about-it

  jack is warmly told that it was most courageous of him to come forth and the elders are there any time he feels the need to tell them dirty little secrets. after six months of keeping his hands off himself he is appointed a ministerial servant.
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  Huxley

  Brother(s) Trekocratic...

  These guys are usually pretty nerdy. The slacks don't quite fit right, the pant legs are too high revealing...yep, white socks.

  They are witnesses, but in reality they are Star Trek/Star Wars fanatics. That is their true religion..

  They speak in hushed tones about the latest Trek/Wars movies coming out..careful not to "reccomend" them officially because after all, they may be pg-13.

  They snuck out late at night to see the R rated Matrix.

  The Star Trek technical manual is carefully hidden in their bookbags to kill time during those long return visits...

  They secretly believe that the new system will contain Ewoks.

  Huxley
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  dins

  How about "Tumor Teddy." This was a disgusting, thin, ugly man in his early 30's at the time who had huge bumps all over his face, hands and arms, so my best friend (Barbara King..miss you!!) nicknamed him such. He was really gross. He was fairly "new" to the truth and fancied himself as a DJ and would always try to land JW wedding gigs but that wasn't lucrative, as you may imagine. He resided with a very old lady in her basement, her name was Elsie, and my mother brought her into "the truth." Unfortunately my bedroom window was only about 500 yards from the back of Elsie's house and basement, and I caught the dirty old bugger watching me one time with binoculars. Still makes my skin crawl.....EEEEKK!

  I can think of more, lots more...

  Diana
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  Soledad

  sister hypochondriac:

  every new illness that the awake publishes articles on, this sister has had it for several years already.

  she is so grateful to the FDS for publishing such "fine, well researched articles." she has been to

  numerous doctors and specialists, she has been taking "natural" home remedies to no avail. But she

  has faith that jehovah will provide. she is so anxiously awaiting the new systems of things were she can

  enjoy perfect health. at least that what she says to others. upon further scrutinizing the situation many

  people know that her illnesses are just excuses for not going out in field service, or for missing

  meetings. the meetings that she do attend are spent in the very last row of the hall or in the lounge area

  either in or near the ladies room.
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  nowisee

  brother inactive scholar -- never goes out in service but knows every word the society has ever printed, and thoroughly versed in worldly criticism, inactivity tolerated because he is son of one of the anointed and because he comments so much with such authority. has such a love affair with the written word that he spends every meeting with an open watchtower right under his nose so he can keep sniffing the fresh printers' ink. clicks his teeth constantly.

  brother badhigen - sits in the third row with at least 5 seats between him and anyone else. he is like a little island -- because he smells!! he has caked on dirt on the back of his neck, obvious that his hair has an aversion to shampoo. though no one goes up to him, he is oblivious, and friendly to all.

  brother ethnic - answers regularly at every meeting, greets all, very friendly. everyone just says uh-huh, uh-huh because no one understands him.

  sister judgemental - the first in the cong. to know about a df/da. self-righteously shuns each and every one. gladly informs all who don't know the whole story.
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  czarofmischief

  How about Brother Czar? Was I in your congregation, in one of my many in-czar-nations?

  Raised the son of an elder, suffered because pop was away at elders meetings all the time. Ruined any chances of actually being a witness by READING the Bible during the meetings instead of answering. Read old bound volumes voraciously. Found out about the whole oral sex ban and freaked out at this obvious imposition of personal taste on Christian couples. Discovered the joys of rock'n roll late in life, but embraced it secretly and with joyous abandon.

  Went to college, shocking everybody.

  Declared self an atheist at 17 while out in field service with the P.O.

  Alcoholic by 19. Dangerous drunk by 20.

  reproved for touching a boob at 19. disfellowshipped for humping boobs at 22. Finally lost technical virginity two days later.

  CZAR
• 

  aunthill

  How about Brother Noheart-Imaperp and his wife Sister Seesnoevil: Bro Noheart-Imaperp, after first wife dies, pushes his children out of the home at the earliest opportunity - to Bethel or where ever, so he can become a CO and take advantage of all the freebies that come along with the position. Eventually Sis Seesnoevil (2nd wife) becomes *horrors* pregnant! so that CO days, including all freebies are over - Big Sigh! He is then appointed PO of a congregation (see his resume' - he is well qualified!) and proceeds to molest his daughter from Sis Seesnoevil, and granddaughter, and who knows who else. Daughter-in-law finally catches on to what has happend to her daughter and tells Sis Seesnoevil. Of course Sis Seesnoevil denies everything, even when daughter is caught in blatant compromising positions (a result of acting out on her molestation.) Four lives directly impacted by the evil policies of the bOrg, plus "collateral damage." As far as I know, to this day, Bro Noheart-Imaperp is still a brother in good standing, though very elderly by now, probably no longer an elder. However, with any luck he is burning in the hell the Jdubs don't believe in .

  Then there is Brother Ideserveavirgin: This is the brother that has served all his life from a very early age, through MS on up to PO. He is very judgemental and knows how everyone should raise their children even though he has never married, and consequently had no children of his own - therefore he is eminently qualified to tell all and sundry what they have done wrong in raising their children. He is now in his late 40's early 50's and finally figures out that he has missed something. He put off marrying since Armageddon was supposed to come in 1975, 1984, 1994, 2000. Now he thinks it is time to marry, but since he is a virgin, he deserves a virgin. Of course, considering WT policy, every moderately attractive, and some not so attractive, young woman got married or went astray - guess what? There are no virgins in his age group and obviously an older, divorced sister with children, or without, certainly is not holy enough for him to consider. So he is looking for a 16 to 20 year old, attractive, virgin while he is a dried up, authoritarian old man!

  I wish I could say these were made up, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent

  Excuse me! There are no innocent! Who am I protecting????? Probably myself from a slander/libel suit.
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  Freedomrules

  Czar:

  I was interested to see that someone else was freaked out about the oral sex prohibition thing. It wasn't so much for me that they had specifically prohibited oral sex, so much as the micromanagement/interference in what is a very personal issue.

  Freedomrules
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  GentlyFeral

  nowisee remembers:

  brother ethnic - answers regularly at every meeting, greets all, very friendly. everyone just says uh-huh, uh-huh because no one understands him.

  Oh, I knew one of these. Was in his seventies when I knew him 30 years ago. He and Sister Ethnic raised ten children, eight of whom were JW's well into middle age (when I lost track of them), including two missionaries.

  Gave his first Theocratic School talk in English, from laboriously written manuscript, at the age of, oh, seventy? seventy-five? Spoke as clearly as he could, a vast labor of love, warmly applauded. A warm, sweet, innocent man.

  One of the few JW's to whom I would NEVER tell "the truth about the Troof."

  GentlyFeral