Stereotypical Witnesses

by tazmaniac 47 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Country Girl

  Fran-Coys (said in her best Texan accent):

  I got lots of em. While some people spent their best years in the JW's counting the texture dots on the ceilings that looked like US Presidents (and never getting past 49 in 40 years), I spent mine observing the ways and means of the Judicial Committees and the auxilliary system that supported them.

  We had all your typical JW's, but by far my favorite was Brother Isaperv. He was so grandly sweeping in his views when he first walked into the Kingdom Hall. It was like a filtration system. He would sweep the KH with his eyes, upon his regal and breathlessly awaited entrance, and lock in on those women that were young and fertile, and the others were just flies to be swatted. Forget about if they were married, no one was beyond the grasp of his tentacled eyes. He wouldn't so much as look at them for more than a second, and he knew who was ovulating and ready to receive his much cherished seed. Cough. I was not above his reaching grasp. I felt like nothing more than an ample supply of boobs and crotch. Put together like Brother Isaperv would have wanted me put togehter, I would have been nothing more than a pile of bulbous material with boobs and an entrance into which to put his phallic symbol, with two nipples to nurse him and his cursed (and I don't say cursed.. I say CUR-SED) offspring.

  Brother Isaperv was your typical JW Elder. He was overly concerned with the congregation's sexuality, and frequently gave talks on the podium about masturbation, oral sex, and marital and unmarital sex and the dangers thereof. The other brothers GLADLY gave him those parts because they thought he was more open minded to talk about those things to a congregation. I could see the lust in his eyes for all the young girls in the congregation. It made all of us sick. We knew that if Brother Isaperv came sniffing at our doorstep, our parents would SURELY sacrifice us to him because he was a "spiritual brother" that made a lot of time in the field service, was active in the congregations servant ministry, and had never been married or fathered children. Isn't that cool? "My daughter's going with an Elder. There must be something in HER that attracts such a Godly man.. and in extension, there must be something about ME that must be Godly since I raised such a girl that such a Godly man would want." How many Mothers did this? And how are they ashamed now? They're not.. just a fateful wish.

  Brother Isaperv was always hanging out with the young kids, noticing the girls. He was *cool* cuz he knew how they felt and what they were thinking. He was never married, and couldn't quite fit in with the married couples cuz he was a single guy. He was still looking for that twelve year old that could marry him and make his dreams come true. Then, maybe, he'd be settled. But not for long. He finally finds a young girl who has been abused sexually, and is intimidated, and her parents think she'd be a good wife for him. She is sixteen years old, old enough to get married with her parents' permission. She does so so that she won't shake the family up. As the young girl got older and older and began to realize that this is not reality.. this is not how it's supposed to be, she started challenging Brother Isaperv's authority. He didn't like that. So he brings it to the brothers in the Hall, and she is spoken to by the Elders because they don't like how she is treating Brother Isaperv since he's a Man of God <cough> and she's just a GIRL! She is taunted and flocked by the brothers because she is just beginning to understand what has happened.

  Meanwhile. Brother Isaperv has decided that she's too old for his tastes and has gone on the prowl again. This time he is searching for someone that is a bit older, but dang! he has a wife! She has grown older now and is starting to challenge his authority, and what the hell.. she has pubic hair now! He brings this to the Elders. They agree that she is threatening his family life, so they watch her, they talk to her. It doesn'twork.. she's too smart for that. She realizes she has to get out. So she leaves. She is lonely, but is afraid that if she breahes her marriage vows that she can't get back. she is so lonely that she just takes up with TomDickHarry. He divorces her and starts haunting the single virgin ladies at the Hall again... who are afraid of his advances, andare afraid of what their parents will do when he decides he wants them.

  Hugs

  Country Girl
• 

  happyout

  How about CoupleNoChildren? They usually married young, and one or both pioneer, and since they want to devote their lives to service, and don't want to bring children into this "terrible system of things" they put off childbearing either until they get older and panic (sometimes mid 40s) or never (as in the case of my siblings).

  Happyout
• 

  Francois

  Another well done one, country girl. (that's franz wah, by the way). Keep on keeping on.

  francois
• 

  ColdRedRain

  Brother Hipokryt can be the biggest a**hole towards everybody, drinks beer until he's drunk, beats his wife, but still, he's an elder. Brother Hipokryt usually marries Sister Naive, a woman who doesn't know jack sh*t about any of the realities of life, who sees a pile of beercans in the recycling bin, with the beercan residue reeking of fresh beer, but believes her husband when he says "Oh, those are old beercans from when I was in the wurld!" Brother Fartzdontstink is the guy you would love to punch out. Has the nice car, the frigid, somewhat attractive lilly skinned wife (Or if she's a minority, usually they have the bright white teeth and the superpink gums) with that JW look in her eyes. (You know the one I'm talking about.) Usually, he's from a "Spiritual" (AKA rich and filled with free time) family. He has a 2000 dollar surround sound DVD/VHS system in his house, filled with hundreds of movies, but none of them are rated over PG and half of them are society videos. Brother Fartzdontstink strangely has enough time to live in that 1,000$ a month apartment in the outer burbs and have a brand new car while only working part time as a propane dealer's tankwipe. Usually, Brother Fartzdontstink has an Elder father/father in law, who provides him with money on the side. Sister Fartzdontstink is usually the future wife of Brother Fartzdontstink. Sometimes they're hot as hell, and on a few occasions, will go for Brother Sideburn, Brother Cradlerobber, Brother Neophyte or sometimes, Brother 20something Rebel and Brother Stealavirgin Brother Neophyte: A staunch convert to the Troof. These days, he's usually oblivious to the numerous websites that expose the secrets of the Jehovah's Witnesses and to those who were once in the cult. He falls for everything. Usually, brother Neophyte is a former punk rocker from either Minnesota, Colorado, Washington, or some other mid-populated Midwest/Mountian state. Brother Neophyte also comes in Brother Minority Neophyte. Brother Minority Neophyte is usually a convert from some other whacko church who's oblivious to the internet. He sings gospel style during kingdom songs and wears these pimp-type suits on Sunday meetings. Brother Cradlerobber: He's a creepy, balding, glasses wearing, fat virgin man who tricks some niave young sister into thinking he's sexy because he puts 90 hours of service every month. Brother 20something Rebel: He's the type that listens to Cannibal Corpse at his house, has blonde highlights, shaggy hair, quotes unknown, but unsettling facts about the witnesses on service (Like how in the 70's, the Witnesses frowned on interracial marriage.) Usually, he gets sick of the Witness crap and gets out. Brother Sideburn: Brother sideburns is not as rebellious as 20something rebel, but he does have a wild streak in him. He usually has a 2 door sedan, long sideburns, listens to pop-punk on service and wears tinted lenses at the meetings. All the sisters fall for his rebellious streak. Brother Stealavirgin: The name explains it all. He just wants to convert to steal a virgin. You guys can expand on this afterwards. Brother/Sister Jehooverwilprovidde: You know the type. They're usually people with some sort of mental deficiency, morbidly obesse or severly uneducated. They work as a minor leauge ballpark janitor, have an apartment with holes in the roof, a delapadated bed in their house, and usually driving an '86 Ford. When the '86 Ford breaks down, the team folds away or moves to another city, the apartment complex's condemned and the bed reeks too much of urine, a congregation family lets Brother/Sister Jehooverwilprovidde stay in their garage until he gets a new job as a McDonald's fry cook, and gives them their old Datsun that they were going to scrap. When they get into bad circumstances, they always say "Jehovah will provide." Sister Milf: Usually, the hot-ass 40 something year old wife of Brother Fartzdontstink. Every young teenage brother oggles sister Milf and sometimes have their first wet dreams about them.
• 

  Country Girl

  It's a compliment, no doubt, Franz Wah. Hugs.

  Country Girl
• 

  Number 6

  Hi all, this thread is brilliant.

  How about Brother AtDeath’sDoor.

  Afflicted by a mystery illness since 1976 when the end didn’t come he suffers from a complaint as yet to be diagnosed by modern medicine. This renders him incapacitated whenever any effort is required on his part.

  He rarely attends meetings and never goes out in the service due to his illness. The elders tolerate him because they almost never see him. On the rare occasions he attends the Hall (i.e Memorial, CO visit) it is with great sacrifice on his part and with ‘Jehovah’s help’. He will talk to anyone who will listen how ill he is and ‘Jehovah willing’ he will be allowed to live until ‘the new system’ when all his ailments (which did he mention are confounding medical science) will be cured.

  Miraculously his disabilities seem to evaporate whenever some social function occurs that involves food and drink, where ‘he struggles along’ to enjoy the ‘fine fellowship’ of the brothers and sisters. Whereupon all and sundry avoid him like the plague lest they be bored to death about, yes how ill he is.

  There’s one in every congregation.

  6
• 

  Dawn

  Eeekkkkk Hamas!! I almost married him too!!

  Thank God for unanswered prayers!!
• 

  StinkyPantz

  Sis & Bro Special Occasion: the couple that you only see for the memorial, the special talk and if they're still on the ministry school, they show up for their talks. The rest of the year you never see 'em.
• 

  Gwydion

  Green Sweatervest Boy just must appear in this list. (GSB for short) He is the kid that sings loud and tone deaf and knows the kingdom melodies by heart by the age of nine. The kid that follows all the rules and when they ask him what he wants to be when he grows up at school he says Bethelite. He knows nothing else and you could never tell he was a child if he wasn't just three and a half feet tall. He even talks like a grown up and his idea of playing is to pretend he is giving public talks. Someday GSB will wake up and wonder why he never had a childhood. A disgruntled young man with a ton of regrets. Until then you will find him with that big goofy grin on his face thinking he is on the fast track to paradise.
• 

  Ghosthunter

  How about Sister Singlemomohsopoor? Husband leaves her and children for whatever reason. She comes into THE TRUTH because she has no self-esteem. "Struggles" to raise her pale, sad-faced children in THE TRUTH, even though she can't hold down a decent job to feed or clothe them. Draws welfare, buys food with food stamps and cleans a few houses for extra pennies. Yet, she is a THEOCRATIC sister as she Auxiliary Pioneers while her children wear cast-offs from other sympathic families. Is in such good standing that she holds the Tuesday Night Book Study in her small hovel of an apartment, all of us cramming in there like sardines. Finds happiness spying on other JW's and reporting back to the elders at everyone else's wrong-doings.