by m0nk3y 263 Replies latest jw experiences
Thank you everyone for your comments so far .. this has been a very difficult experience for me and I have almost removed my post several times because of the difficulty.
I will allow it to remain because I feel this is somthing I have to do, no matter how exposed I feel.
Josh
Josh , thanks for sharing your story. It just broke my heart when you said that you just expected God to destroy you at Armeggedon, and the story of your depression the physical part reminded me alot of my last 3 years as a witness.
I have always had some kind of problem the doctors were not sure of , possible MS is what I was told by one, nerve damage from an epidural, fibromyaligia, rare forms of migaines, you name it they thought it.
I was so depressed those last few years as a witness, never feeling I measured up and not facing many childhood issues and I think all the pain I was having was due to so much emotional crap that had reached a boiling point. The pain was so strong that a shot of demerol would only help a bit. The pain would have me screaming in my pillow in the darkness, with no relief, I really thought if I would just die in my sleep it would be so great to just end the physical pain and the mental pain.
After I left the organization,,,,,,,cut the ties, let my relationship with my father die away, and faced many of the issues of childhood,,,, the neglect, the abuse, the control, the whole JW thing, my mother, her death, her drug abuse, ,,,,,I started to get better.
I physically started to feel the pain come less and less.......I still get pain from time to time, a migraine here and there, but that strange pain that ate at my nerves,, has not been anything close to what it was.
It is amazing that our bodies have to do what they do , to tell us that something is terribly wrong and we need to face up to it.
Monkey, I am so glad that you have made it out , to have a happy life with a partner that loves you. I really believe that God loves us all, and I felt so sad when you said in your post that you didn't think God loved you. I think He does. That is the way that I want to believe that God/Jesus is.
How is your Mother doing BTW? I bet it broke her heart to see you waste away and almost die,,,,,,I hope that she is free like you are.
Again, I am so sorry for the pain you went thru ,,,,,it is so wrong for an organization to make people wish , or choose death over life. I am glad you found your way out.
Thank you LyinEyes.
My mum kicked me out of home 2 years after that because she said she wanted to live her own life now. I still see her from time to time but I don't feel she really deeply loves me like she once did. She got married to another JW and they were both disfellowshiped and now they are making their way back.
I guess I could be sad over mums lack of love for me but I guess going through my life the way I have I have just accepted it moved on. She knows where I am if she needs me .. and i visit her from time to time.
I am glad that you are feeling better as I know that the sickness brought on by extreme depression is somthing you wouldnt even wish on your greatest enemy.
much love ..
josh
Josh... that was very brave of you to post that. I was just thinking of the enormity of what the Society does to so many children... it's truly disgusting. Thank you for sharing your story.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Josh)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am glad you didn't take the story down, that was very moving!!
I am glad you got better physically and you are now healing emotionally as well.
I was raised a JW as well and experimented with my sexuality, not the same but I can relate a little about the guilt feelings tied to being "close" to a person who is the same sex.
I just want to say thanx for posting your story, you will help someone out there who is feeling as you once did. You may never know it, but I am sure you have helped many by opening up and sharing this with us.
You know I love you so much hon!!!!!! You are a kind and loving person that I always enjoy talking to when I have been given the pleasure. Give your man a big hug for me! I am glad he has brought happiness to your life!! You deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Much love,
Jes
very moving story josh, very emotional and from the heart. i cant say i enjoyed it because of the pain that you had to undergo and deal with but im glad i had the opportunity to see the adversitys that you had to overcome and triumphant difference between your life then and the life you live now.after its all said and done........ whether our parents remain in our lives or not at least we can be there for each other. we dont need an organization that would allow that kind of suffering to go on to unite us. all we need is that love for one another. bravo man
Josh, Thank you for sharing your story! Every time someone shares their story, someone somewhere learns from it, like I just learned something from your story.
There isn’t anything left to say except I wish I didn’t have to go through all of this to get where I am today.
I have been through many of the same experiences you wrote about, and I used to wish they never happened too, but without them we would not be the people we are today. It sounds cliche, but all of the tragedies and trials really do build character and you can use those experiences to comfort other people who are struggling or who are healing afterward. I am happy you have come through the difficulties and are finally happy. You are still in your 20s and already have a life's worth of lessons learned! Thanks again for sharing! ((((( Josh )))))
There isn’t anything left to say except I wish I didn’t have to go through all of this to get where I am today.I have been through many of the same experiences you wrote about, and I used to wish they never happened too, but without them we would not be the people we are today. It sounds cliche, but all of the tragedies and trials really do build character and you can use those experiences to comfort other people who are struggling or who are healing afterward.
Heya thanks Orbiting, It's actually strange .. when i wrote that last line I deleted it and the retyped it then deleted it. I couldn't decide whether I wanted it there or not. I feel very torn about this actually because when I look back I wouldn't want to change a single thing that happened because I know those things made me who I am today and I like me. I guess the part of that sentence that I mean the most is that I hate going through the hurt of it now if that makes any sense.
But yes otherwise I feel very torn over it .. I feel both ways. Sometimes life can be so complicated and be so easy at the same time.
Do you know what I mean ?
Josh
Josh,
Well that story got the water works going (should I admit that on here. British stiff upper lip and all?!).
I hope you have a great and happy life from now on.
Qwerty
Don't worry, I know what you mean! It's a Catch 22. You love the person you are and the empathy you have for people because of your life experiences, but if you had to sit down and write the story of a boy you would not write such a heart wrenching life story for him. Right? LOL That is how I feel.
But we don't have to worry about changing the past, that's done with. We just have to live and love people because you never know who is in the middle of a story like ours that hasn't reached a happy part yet.
By the way, I LOVE your new avatar. It's simply marvelous.
