Hi Phoebe,
I'm guessing you must be in your 60s at least, given your 50 yrs of baptised activity.
How brqve you have been to pull away from the organisation, to question all those things that felt so wrong.
Dear lady, your post really resonated with some of my experiences in the past few years.
The witnesses aren't trained to think carefully about the timing or impact of their 'missiles of warning'....how many emotionally or mentally fragile folk did we disturb with our frighteningly illustrated tracts or publications....leaving them in the loneliness of their lives to read and look at pictures which were frightening to view and didn't need to be realised in an illustration.
I can imagine your anxiety, the process of upturning your whole life is anxious making enough....without loveless emails that took just a few minutes to dash off.
I've kept my life in hope, hope in our universal creator. I grew ever weary of 'speaking on his behalf' the twisted judgemental thinking of those (aka the FDS) who demonstrated a poor grasp of scriptural understanding over years and years of foolishness. And now, they use emotional manipulation more then ever through videos, short movies. No to that.
Try not to read any social media or emails in the wee hours...definitely not helpful to your emotional state.
Take care, breathe through each hour.
And if you can, speak in your heart to the One you trusted all these years.
The nature of whom you measured against the nature of these 'men' and found them entirely out of synch.