Women and abusive relationships...I don't understand?

by obiwan 46 Replies latest jw friends

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  obiwan

  I have to ask. Why do you stay in an abusive relationship? Do you feel that it's your responsibility to change him? Do you feel you "owe" him. I guess men in general just don't understand why a woman would stay.

  I myself could never do the things I've heard other men do to women, nor can I understand it. My father was abusive to my mother. I just don't understand the mentality. Could any of the women here please explain it to me? I'm not trying to question any womans motives, I just want to anderstand why they stay.
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  Dimples

  I too do not understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. I vowed at 14 that I would NEVER let a man put his hands on me. My father didn't even spank me so why would I let some man do it. When I was 14 my cousin was killed by her boyfriend. He beat and kicked her so bad that brain fluid was coming out of her ears. I saw first hand her coming over with shades on and bruises and couldn't understand why she stayed. A few years ago my aunt was beaten and almost killed by her boyfriend. She was missing for two days and we thought she was dead. The neighbors saw her boyfriend carrying her out in a bloody sheet. Luckily a tip led the police to a hotel room where he had her. The injuries she had were very severe. They locked him up but I wonder if he weren't put in jail, would she have gone back? He was abusive to her before this and she always went back. Very scary!
• 

  StinkyPantz

  There are too many reasons to name:

  -Some women stay because they have children. If they don't work they couldn't support the children if they left.

  -Some are threatened that they'll be killed if they leave.

  -Some were raised in that type of environment and don't know any better. . .
• 

  Panda

  To continue SP's list:

  Many women have no idea that they can make it on their own. I have a friend who lived for awhile at a womans shelter and she had thought that that would be degrading. But she knew if she didn't stay that she'd end up dead and then what would her kid do?

  Also, some women are drug or alcohol dependent and just stay where they can get high.

  I knew a sister who's great big MS husband used to punch this petite woman around when he drank. She'd have a black eye so often. And the cong just looked away. Okay some brothers talked to him and he started a 12 step program, but I think I remember her with a black eye even after that.

  Some women think they MUST have a man. No matter what he does. I remember a young girl whose Mom refused to let her complain about the stepfather molesting her. HER OWN KID WAS MOLESTED!!!! Yeah the mother was a dub and needed a man.
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  Frannie Banannie

  It's my understanding, Obi, that often women who've been raised in an abusive environment will gravitate towards men who're also abusive.....they've already received the "message" that there's something inherently wrong with them, that they are deficient examples of womanhood, ergo, they will gravitate toward and opt to stay with an abusive mate....one who will continue to "feed" them the "message" that they are ill-equipped to live life successfully on their own and must depend on the abusively macho mate for sustenance and validation....of course, validation always comes in the form of abuse with the "message" that they are unworthy of anything or anyone better, which, in turn, reassures the victim of such abuse that they are, indeed, all that their upbringing in an abusive environment proved them to be....weak, inadequate, extremely faulty, lacking self-esteem, totally worthless....It's a "catch-22" situation....and extremely difficult for the victim to overcome....

  Frannie B
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  William Penwell

  Also some of these women if they find someone that treats them nice, they don't know how to handle it. They turn around and treat that person like crap. Its almost as if they think that because other men have abused them, its now pay back time. After they will eventually gravitate back to the same abusive relationships they came from. Most abusers are sweet talkers and end up talking these women back into another abusive situation. I think they have low self esteem and these abusers feed in on that. I can't figure it out but when I see this I just think they deserve what they get.

  Will
• 

  obiwan

  Also some of these women if they find someone that treats them nice, they don't know how to handle it. They turn around and treat that person like crap. Its almost as if they think that because other men have abused them, its now pay back time

  While I don't necessarily agree with the payback part, I have dated a couple of women who could not overcome the issue of me being "nice" to them. It actaully caused a real big problem.

  FB, now that does make some sense to me. But, what about those who are young and either know women or have known women in these relationship's, and find themselves in the same situation? How do you help an individual like that?
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  Stacy Smith

  I have friends who stay in them and my aunt is in one too. I don't get it myself. Lack of self esteem has to be at the top of the list of reasons to stay in one.

  I get an ounce of grief or control from someone and I'm gone.
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  frenchbabyface

  YES : It's all about like Frannie said : "the message" (you've all said it in different ways)
  they know or they don't know what's happen to them :

  Basically :

  • Are they : Normal or not Normal ...
  • what's the : Fear way or Safe way ...
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  StinkyPantz

  Obi-

  You have a PM.