Women and abusive relationships...I don't understand? (page 4)

frenchbabyface

I always find it astonishing that the question is always asked about "Why does a woman stay?" Why aren't we asking the question, "Why does a man hit a woman?"

Only because there is nothing you can do against the man while the woman is still in the same house / And the man won't understand as far as he can retaliate or feel that I can wait a little bit and do it again and anyway he won't understand till she didn't leave him for real (some does but it is very rare) !!! So the woman have to be in safe place FIRST

It seems to me to be another way of blaming the woman, which is society's way of ridding men of taking responsibility for their own actions.

Yes it's true somewhere BUT they need a SHOCK to WAKE UP ....and ESCAPE FROM HELL !
Now if I have to chose between a shock and Hell : I chose the shock ...

jgnat

It is kind of weird watching people try and dissect my motives, when I was "one of those women" who stayed with an abusive man. I was a people, who got caught in an abusive cycle. I don't think I have the genetic trait for "Victim", nor will I blame my upbringing. I was a young, nieve, civilized person, who could not conceive of the cruelties my husband inflicted on me and my children. My self-esteem and my ability to make my own decisions was taking a severe battering. I believe if I had remained much longer, I would have lost the ability to leave.

As WTS veterans, you guys should understand this abusive cycle. What can you do for someone who is caught in an abusive relationship? As hard as it is to watch, all you can do is give them information, and be ready to support them when they are ready to leave. I am talking about practical supports, such as grocery shopping, bundling the kids for day care, that sort of thing. You cannot force someone to see reality, or to take the tough road of independence, if they are not ready. By trying to force an abused person to leave, you in turn become the new dominator, who the dependent person will look to for making all his/her decisions. As soon as you drop your supports, they will go back.

So the trick is, build that person's independence and sense of self-worth. When they are strong, when they are ready, they will leave.

berylblue

In my situation, I tried to get out. It was 1977; I went to the local agency for such matters.

I told them my husband was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to myself and my children.

I was asked physically abusive in what way.

I mentioned the pushing, shoving, arm twisting.

I was told that didn't qualify as abusive. I KID YOU NOT.

They asked me to detail the verbal and emotional abuse. They acknowledged that it was abuse but that they could only help if I were more physically abused than I was. AND THAT IF I PERSISTED in my claims of my children being abused, the children would be taken from me and I'd be stuck with him...alone.

It had (was appeared to be) the desired effect.

Genuine or perceived, that was not a threat I took lightly. I loved my daughters beyond words. I had tried to get them out...and failed miserably. I suppose I was the fat, ugly idiot he constantly told me I was.

I went home and said no more. To anyone. My daughters do not know, to this day, that I did try. They blame me for everything, ironically; not him. It is so much more acceptable to blame the woman for everything.

I pray to God it is not like that anymore. I was 22, and had no job skills whatsoever.

This is all the god's honest truth. Thank you, Camden County. I endured many more years of the same. There was, literally, no way out.

berylblue

PS I dared not tell my mother, she was dying of breast cancer. My father would have said, simply, "you made your bed, lie in it."
Aaaaaaaaah, but I learned all I knew of tolerating and accepting abuse from living with him, the great master of abuse.

Need to add none of the players were JWs including myself, at that time. My unhappiness at home, as well as my fervent desire for a better future for my girls, most likely contributed to me joining the WTS.

teejay

>>>>> I have to ask. Why do you stay in an abusive relationship? Do you feel that it's your responsibility to change him? Do you feel you "owe" him. I guess men in general just don't understand why a woman would stay.

Ooops. Wrong thread. I thought you were gonna talk about women who beat up their men in an effort to change them. My bad.

berylblue

It seems to me to be another way of blaming the woman, which is society's way of ridding men of taking responsibility for their own actions.

Thanks, basic. And welcome

talesin

I don't understand either, cause it's s-o-o-o-o complicated. Each situation has different dynamics, so there is no clear-cut answer to this question.

But what I really don't understand is why we permit/excuse the abusers and their behaviour. And why we keep blaming the 'victims' for staying. I think society needs a 'paradigm' shift on this issue so that we turn the question around to read

"why do we tolerate spousal abuse?"

ex. you know your brother hits his wife, but you don't call him on it

ex. you hear the guy next door beating his wife, but you don't call police

ex. you see the bruises of a co-worker and don't offer your home as refuge

thoughts? comments?

tal

frenchbabyface

((( Beryl))) you didn't had the support you needed at that period of time (it's TERRIBLE) THIS WAS ONLY A MAN'S WORLD

JNGAT : What can you do for someone who is caught in an abusive relationship? As hard as it is to watch, all you can do is give them information, and be ready to support them when they are ready to leave (A). I am talking about practical supports, such as grocery shopping, bundling the kids for day care, that sort of thing. You cannot force someone to see reality (B), or to take the tough road of independence, if they are not ready. By trying to force an abused person to leave, you in turn become the new dominator, who the dependent person will look to for making all his/her decisions. As soon as you drop your supports, they will go back.

(A) Yes It’s true (thanks Jgnat I’ve forgot about that AND IT IS NOT A DETAIL !!!)… it can even make her feel bad to the point that she won’t talk about it again anymore !!! (so yes we have to pay attention about that - LISTENNING and UNDERSTANDING FIRST), It’s a matter of professional / or a very aware and ready to HELP for REAL and ABLE TO HELP person

(B) Show her the pic of the woman of DIMPLES case for example Detail : He beat and kicked her so bad that brain fluid was coming out of her ears (that way she can have an idea of how she or her kids can end up ) It’s a shock but then she will think about your kids lives before her kids food (and not that she need a man or a father for her kids like that) . Again EVERYBODY IS NOT ABLE TO HANDLE THE PROCESS IN THE BEST WAY : That’s the way true professionals are acting because it helps to take the decision FASTER (before THE accident)

And again Yes it depends on the “W’s” questions … (the precise situation)

frenchbabyface

Talisen :
ex. you know your brother hits his wife, but you don't call him on it ex. you hear the guy next door beating his wife, but you don't call police (b)

ex. you see the bruises of a co-worker and don't offer your home as refuge (a and b) thoughts? comments? Yes but :(a) YOU can get in trouble YOURSELF / those "men" are WEIRD they feel like their wife are their property !!! You are the one who’s trying to take their toy !!!

(b) MORE THE COPS KNOCK on the DOOR if the WOMAN is NOT READY to LEAVE Right then … she is in MORE in TROUBLE right Then. IF you do something like that ... BE READY to testify/witnessing and/or To MOVE yourself IN AN OTHER TOWN
this is very, very, very specific subjet ... there is no unique solution here

sens

i think a lot of women were raised in an abusive environment, and perhaps don't even realize that this sort of treatment is abnormal.

I wasnt raised in a home like this...fyi.

Women and abusive relationships...I don't understand?

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