by StinkyPantz 41 Replies latest jw friends
My mom calls every few months to "hear my voice". Whenever this happens I am very sad and very angry all mixed together. So. . I am torn. Should I just cut them off all together since they won't allow me to be in their lives 100%, or should I just let her call every few months and relive my abandonment pain?
Would I be stooping to their level if I ignored their calls? Kinda like reverse shunning?
Well, with 18+ years of mom shun experience, I suggest just going w/the flow. If you feel like "catching up" on family gossip, do so. If you don't - don't. By all means, screen the calls & only deal w/the ones you feel like handling. It took me a long time to learn this, and sometimes it still "stings", but honestly it no longer hurts. And sometimes I just don't feel like allowing herself the luxury of "hearing my voice" when she could have been listening all along.
(((SP)))
nah dont ignore her...then your following their que...I dont care what anybody says there is no way that on some level this is isnt killing her inside as well...
(((SP)))
I really feel for you hon, cause im not even DF'd and my mom is shunning me, she only calls to talk to my daughter or to just hear my voice and sometimes i feel the same way. I dont think you should shun her back. I've told her that im always here if and when she's ready to be part of OUR family again.
Doodle-V
I'm sorry, but I think there's a big difference between being a loving child & an emotional doormat......so that's why I say on MY terms - not on her emotional neediness.
Stinky, do you get to call her? If so, are you forbidden to ask certain questions or about certain topics?
When she calls you, it is about upbeat and positive things sharing concern and interest in your life?
If she only can call and controls the topic.....
Blondie
Petty-
so that's why I say on MY terms
I agree. I haven't heard from my mother in a couple months. Recently she has been calling and I have not been answering. She then left a hateful message saying it was wrong of ME to ignore HER. WTH? She is the one not allowing me into her life. . .whatever. . .
Blondie-
I suppose I could call, but I don't out of respect for their beliefs. No, I cannot talk about religious issues. It is rarely "upbeat". Just her making sure that I am alive or am I pregnant yet. . the end.
Stinky, I take it you are DF'd? Then you have just as much right to call as she if it is over "necessary family matters." After all if you were ill, she would want to know right away not wait until she made her random call.
I had to limit my contact with my JW mother even while a good JW because of her abusive conversations. I felt so good after I confronted her with her verbal abuse and my stipulations. I was nice and direct. Even my stepfather said I did the right thing.
I don't know your situation, but don't accept abuse even if it is from your mother.
Blondie
Blondie-
I honestly don't have much to talk about. Plus, I feel incomfortable talking to her. The dynamics of our relatiohship have changed drastically. Honestly when I hear her voice I get depressed and it gets me thinking about the fact that I don't have much of a family anymore.
She's not abusive. . never was. We used to be very, very close. . .
Stinky, so what kind of mental ping-pong are you going to have to endure once you get pregnant? Is she going to give you the "you have to go back to meetings for the sake of your child" lecture? If you think so, you'd better prepare now so when the pregnancy hormones kick in you'll have all the right words at hand.
I think whether or not you shun your family depends on the relationship you have with them right now in your mind. Do you feel tied to them in an unhealthy way? Are you able to set boundaries in your mind and verbally with them, or do you cave in and then beat yourself up later? If you feel bad about yourself after each phone call or contact with them, then you ARE being abused and talking to them is not healthy for you.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but I went through it with my mom. It's said when a personality is IMPROVED by Alzheimer's.
Nina
