Reverse Shunning (page 3)

sens

let me attend my sisters wedding, but warned me to stay in a corner away from everyone and then kicked me out of the reception when I walked in

(((((( Elsewhere)))))) that truly SUCKS..

When I left, I was the one that cut all contact. I did let them know where I was, and how to contact me. But I didn't contact them at all for about 2 years. It was more than just not being a dub tho, they refused to come to my wedding, they called the wife at the time a bitch (and meant it) and tried all sorts of emotional blackmail. I found it easy to ignore them.

Then out of the blue, my father rang to say they were moving, and then he apologised. Talk about a shock!

Anyhow* we went and visited them in their new house that night and although the relationship isn't as close as it could or should be, it is better. That was 20 years ago. I think we all realised that there was just to much to lose. I mean, they were gonna live forever and I wasn't, so they may as well have contact while they could.

It might have helped that mom wasn't born in, she married in and continues to have a close relationship with her siblings. Dad was born in and half of his brothers left when they were young. Dad's best friend (for over 40 years) is not a dub.

It's your call Bridget, I could live without them, and they knew that. They can't live without you! They are showing you that.

Steve

ps Dad was right, the first wife was a bitch, why didn't I listen?

pettygrudger

it is just a matter of time before they hurt you more than you love them. It was hard, but as soon as I moved on my life became much better. I have been working toward building a new "family"... one that does not shun me because I will not bend to their demands that I worship their god. How ironic that they fight so hard for "freedom of religion" but then deny me the very right.

EXACTLY!!!!! I had also developed my own family, made up of a close circle of friends that became much more of a "family" to me than my blood relatives ever were, even in JWism. I no longer believe in the addage of "blood being thicker than water", because its simply not true.

shera

(((((((((to everyone who lost family to this hateful religion))))))))))

Shutterbug

It's your call Bridget, I could live without them, and they knew that. They can't live without you! They are showing you that.
Steve

There you go Bridget.. Shunning is used for extortion and in your case it isn't working. In fact it is having a reverse effect than was intended. If a person is going to "make rules" such as the shunning rule, these same people had better be ready to live by this rule and be prepared to have it applied to themselve.

"Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief!

Years ago I bought a refrigerator magnet at a garage sale and along with a duck(I like ducks) it had the above sentiment printed next to the duck. I had never really noticed anything about the thing except the duck until this morning. After reading this thread I had to get something out of the fridge and noticed the writing. The sentiment certainly seems to apply to you in this case. You have numerous friends right here on this board and if you go to the upcoming apostafest you will really learn just how sincere these friends are. Talk with Joy, Jst2Laws, Cruzanheart, Big Tex and I promise you will come away feeling a lot better. Bug

Gopher

This thread is painful to read, yet so necessary for us (who have JW parents) to discuss. The issues involved cannot be ignored. SP thanks for starting the thread.

There are no easy answers. The level of shunning imposed by JW parents and the circumstances involved vary from family to family.

In some cases it has gone to the point where the parents have (1) seemed to have disowned you, (2) refuse to respond/converse naturally when asked to do so, (3) blame their children for the circumstance (after all -- you left JEHOVAH !!) rather than acknowleding that they are the ones that have pulled the plug on a normal relationship, and (4) wish to control all aspects of the relationship -- they want to see the grandkids on their terms, but won't acknowledge any of your desires/needs.

In my case, my parents are welcome to call whenever they want. But I won't go out of my way to try to maintain any "normal" relationship, because they won't have it. They are SO hard to reach. I recently wrote them and said I'm newly married and happy, and would they please write back to let me know they're okay. The response? Nothing, in three months.

Dammit. I'm not going to let them make me feel sad any more. Edited to add: Or, to put it differently, I am going to live my life and be happy, and harden my heart toward anything they might say/do. On my list they have moved down from "family" to mere "acquaintances".

drwtsn32

For quite a while we preemptively shunned my wife's JW parents. They were simply unhealthy for my wife. The mother was emotionally manipulative and laid on thick guilt trips. (She has always been that way.) The father was spewing nasty insults at me after we left the org. How can a partner have contact with someone who basically detests their mate?!

They would not (and still don't!) respect that it is our own decision. I don't expect them to agree with it, but they need to respect that it is our decision to make. Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, because contact had such a negative impact on my wife we decided to cut off communication for a while. My wife's self-esteem has improved and her ability to detect their manipulative bullshit. Her father made a lame apology for insulting me, but we kind of accepted it. She has resumed communication with them and for now they seem to be better. But I fear it is only temporary. And I know their ulterior motive is to try and get us (or at least my wife) back to the organization. If we are ever DA'd or DF'd they'd simply cut us off completely.

I didn't feel bad about temporarily shunning them... I didn't feel it was sinking to their level. In this case it was necessary for the emotional health of my wife.

Bridget, whatever you decide to do you'll have our support!

Singing Man

Yeah be kind, but never be as the other gal said "be an emotional door mate". I love that. Live your life on your terms if you can.

bluesapphire

Also, I DO feel bad when I get off the phone with my mother. She says the almost non-existent relationship is MY choosing; since I chose to no longer be a dub.

This is the exact same line my sister gave to me!

This topic hits so close to home on two levels for me. On the one hand my sister who has shunned me for two years almost now even though I never da or df. About two months ago started talking to me and offered me a meal, only to start shunning me a week later again. So now I decided I am not her doormat! I shun her now. If I see her, I look her straight in the eye. I dont' look down or away. Dead on! She will have to look at me in the face and she is the one who turns away in shame.

She even has the nerve to try to see our baby. My husband basically put a stop to that.

She tried to go up to my husband and my eldest daughter last week and they both dissed her. That is by their own choosing. Are we stooping to her low level? I don't think so. I think she is a person who is causing much pain to our entire family. I think she doesn't know what it feels like to have done to her what comes so natural for her to do to me. So she got a taste of how unloving it really is.

On the other side of the family. My husband's mom was trying really hard to be a part of our lives after my son was born. But we knew it was only so she could have access to the baby. She waited until I went back to work and called to see if she could, "pick up Tristan and take him to the park." My husband told her no. And she hasn't called since. It's been two months. She saw that it was a no go. She has to talk to us to see Tristan. She's not going to be taking him to the park and studying with him and telling him not to tell mom and dad. No way. So is she shunning us? I guess so but it's her decision. She left us. We didn't leave her.

And that's what it boils down to. When they say, "Well you left Jehovah." My response is, "Well, even if we did leave Jehovah, we didn't leave YOU. YOU left us. So don't cry about not seeing your grandson/nephew!"

mommy1

My Dad and Brother do the hot and cold treatment with me. My brother's *itch sorry I mean wife totally shuns me. She got all pissed off one day when my brother was talking to me on the phone and she came home and caught him. I could hear her in the background "you can't be talking to her, I don't want you associating with her, get off the phone" My brother like the robot he has become said yes dear and then said he had to go.

My Dad calls me. I let him make the effort to call, I do not call him. Kind of my way of saying I don't need you and can make it without you.

Reverse Shunning