Very long story. I've been away from this site for a while.
Basically, i tried to leave. Handed in my disassociation letter, it kicked up a storm and 2 weeks later i was disfellowshipped. Allow me to explain:
After a few years of doubts over some doctrines, the changing beliefs, the hypocrisy, the lies, the social cliques in the hall etc i became an unbeliever inside but "went along" for the sake of my family.
I read Crises Of Conscience and this just cemented the doubts I had.
Then one day my sister in law is nosing on my computer and finds my activity for this site. She takes pics of the articles ive written and shows the elders. Im bombarded with calls by elders but i dont answer them. At one point I had 46 missed calls in a single day of different elders. I also received emails and texts imploring me to call them. I never did.
During this my wife fearing i've become an apostate leaves me and moves in with her parents. Her dads an elder. After just one day her behavior has changed. Before this came out she agreed with most of what i was saying about this being a captive religion, you cant leave with your reputation in tact etc. NOW she's parroting things WT magazines have been saying. A clear sign she's being influenced by her parents (because my wife has very little JW knowledge, she just agrees with everyone else).
Anyway. Because i dont believe it anyway i decided to speed up the inevitable and hand my disassociation letter in. My mother and sisters are distraught that i did it and begged me to speak to and elder. My reply was also the same "i dont believe any elder is any more scriptural aware than anyone else", "i dont recognize the authority of that body".
The emails kept coming. One elder who i though was ok was very persistant. Eventually i decided to meet with him in a pub to put an end to them all nagging me. Among other things he told me disassociating is a cowardly thing to do, and just go to the judicial and "play the game". So... stupidly, i did.
The judicial came around and it lasted for about 3 hours. The first hour or so was them trying to get me to say "you have the truth and i want to come back". But the conversation was actually me saying "i cant teach what i know to be a lie", "the stuff Rutherford taught is pretty much all obsolete now", "the 1914 teaching is flawed" etc etc.
In the end one of them (the one known for his no-bullshit approach) said "well that doesnt matter now, all's that matters is do you believe Jehovah is God and Jesus is his son?" i said yes. He said "right then, we can continue with the judicial".
After about 2 hours they picked away at my "apostasy" and how disassociating is worse than a death and eventually they disfellowshipped me.
The same speil about "if you want to come back do this, this and this etc".
But there's something else. My 2yo daughter is with my wife in her parents house. I see her 3 days a week and it's upsetting me to see her wonder what's going on. Part of me is tempted to go to the meetings, play the game and get reinstated just to see her properly.
I think my wife and I are finished. I actually hope so. I've supported her for so long and given up so much and she's constantly betrayed by trust by telling her parents everything.