I don't want to piss anybody off with this post so please don't get offended. My family always goes all out for Thanksgiving and X-mas. Part of that going all out means lots of booze. An aunt has asked the family not to serve alcohol because her son is fresh out of a rehab. Do you think she is out of line to make a request like that? Personally I think she is. Since the gathering will be at my brothers house ultimately it was his call to make. Being the beer lover that he is he said they were going to serve it. Now she is all pissed off. Its kind of put a damper on things and were not sure if they are still coming. She says were being selfish. Do you think we are?
Serving alcohol when a recovering alcoholic is present
by unbeliever 35 Replies latest jw friends
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bebu
It's hard to imagine a holiday without family/friends, food, and for many people, wine/alcohol. The most important ingredient is family and friends. Not the alcohol.
If you want to show him your support for giving up alcohol, then your brother could do nothing kinder than to get some non-alcoholic beer for everyone. It'd be a bit like everyone shaving their head along with the cancer victim, and is very supportive. If you were trying to quit smoking, and people kept putting cigarettes in front of you, you would surely feel frustrated. If ever your family wished to be united, get united around each other. Helping an alcoholic with the difficult task of staying sober is worth the sacrifice.
bebu
PS
This guy is especially vulnerable at this time, fresh out of rehab. You may not need to be giving up alcohol every holiday from here on out, because many rehab'd alcoholics learn how to be satisfied with interesting non-alcoholic drinks.
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czarofmischief
It depends on what you want more:
Your aunt and (cousin?) to be at your gathering which is family-centered.
Or
A lot of alcohol.
Remember, you can always have an alcoholic party at any time - but you will not always have the chance to get together with family.
I would say support the guy, don't make him feel worse than he already does. On the other hand I don't know him, maybe he's a jerk and doesn't deserve that kind of consideration.
In the long run, it won't matter to YOU whether there is booze at the party or not. But it will matter to HIM forever whether he was able to attend Thanksgiving this year.
Remember, many of us on the outside of Borg complain that the elders weren't willing to extend themselves on our behalf. Do we want to show that same attitude?
CZAR
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Sassy
Its a hard call. On the one hand it is not your aunts home and so it really wasn't her place to insist on this, however family supporting someone trying not to drink can really be something too. When I have had people around who are no longer able to drink, it is not that I have not had alcohol around, but I tend to make it slightly more low key. I also make sure there is plenty of similar non alcoholic drinks around so that the person not drinking has something to enjoy in his or her hand.
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Beans
Yes that is selfish, Christmas is a time of enjoyment and beverages, for some perhaps the one time they enjoy a drink with family. The alcholic must be able to curb this desire and this desire is a curable one for most. If an alcoholic can understand and learn moderation thenit is an even bigger bonus. Most are taught that there will always be booze served at family functions and festivities and must deal with it.
An Uncle we have is recovering and never has a drop and understands the pain it has caused him and his family but understands that it is part of our lives.
Beans
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SanFranciscoJim
An aunt has asked the family not to serve alcohol because her son is fresh out of a rehab.
As a recovering alcoholic myself (sober over 16 years) let me try to address this.
First of all, it should be your aunt's son who makes decides himself whether he wants to go. I appreciate the fact that the aunt is concerned for her son, but he is the one who needs to work at his own recovery. Not that I'm saying that it's none of her business -- it's nice that she cares enough to ask -- but the final decision should be his. If he feels uncomfortable being around drinking, he should find something else to do (like perhaps opt to go to an A.A. meeting and be around other sober people, for example). If he feels confident in the fact that he won't drink, he should still ensure that he has a way to leave promptly (but politely) in case he finds himself overwhelmed by the urge to relapse. Make sure the car isn't blocked in by other vehicles in the driveway, for instance.
When I was newly recovering, I was invited to an anniversary party by some friends who I knew drank and used drugs. They were good friends, and I did not want to offend them, but was unsure what to do. I asked a friend who had been in recovery for many years, and he suggested that I go, but "make sure you have a way to bail out." I went, brought my own non-alcoholic beverages with me, and had a wonderful time.
If he is newly recovering, just out of rehab, remember that he has been in an artificial protective setting where no alcohol or drugs are present. He is back in the real world now. If he opts not to go, no one should condemn him for his decision. If he opts to go, I hope his recovery is important enough to him that he will remain vigilant and not be afraid to ask to leave if he feels uncomfortable.
The only other factor to keep in mind is, are any of the other attendees going to be drinking to the point of drunkenness, and if so, will they try to insist he drink? If so, best not to go just yet, until he has a little more sobriety under his belt.
Your aunt may also want to consider attending Al-Anon herself. They will give her excellent guidance as to how to deal with an alcoholic (recovering or not) in the family, and when intervention is necessary, or when not to meddle.
A lot of people do not understand the nature of alcoholism. It is a disease, not a moral deficiency. It is much more difficult to conquer than many outsiders might imagine. The alcoholic should not have to spend the rest of their life running from people with a bottle in their hand for fear they may "slip" themselves. On the other hand, they should not needlessly put themselves into situations unnecessarily where alcohol is flowing freely. The final decision should be his. Does he go to A.A.? If so, does he have a sponsor? It may be a good idea for him to call his A.A. sponsor and discuss the matter with them. Does he still attend after-care with a counselor from the rehab? Maybe he should call them to help him decide.
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sandy
I think it was selfish on your aunt's part not to ask you or your brother not to have alcohol there but it was selfish of her to get upset that your brother said no. It is not her home and she shouldn't express to the family that she is upset over the answer.
I think it would be kind of your family to make it low key as suggested earlier by someone else.
I wouldn't make it a big deal out of it. I would just keep all the alcohol out of the recovering alcoholic's site. Have the same kind of cups/glasses for everyone....the non see through kind.
Best Wishes and Happy Thanksgiving!
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blondie
Jim, this was the first thing I thought too:
First of all, it should be your aunt's son who makes decides himself whether he wants to go. I appreciate the fact that the aunt is concerned for her son, but he is the one who needs to work at his own recovery.
I have been involved in Al-Anon and ACOA for 20 years and this is the first thing I thought. There are a lot of dangers for a newly recovering alcoholic and it is their call.
Blondie
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stillajwexelder
The needs of the one obviously outweigh the needs of the many - I always thought it the other way around -- sorry
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unbeliever
Jim,
are any of the other attendees going to be drinking to the point of drunkenness,
Highly likely
and if so, will they try to insist he drink?
No!!
He goes to A.A. almost everyday and has a sponsor. I don't know if he is in after care. Thanks for your advice. You have given me a lot to think about.