I come down on the side of the aunt. I think it would be a nice gesture on the part of the family to support the son's sobriety because he is newly out of rehab. He has to build up to the real world situations, and it would be nice if his family could make the transition easier.
Holidays are about the people and gathering around the table. Those who can't do without alcohol for one two holidays have a problem themselves, IMNSHO, a problem with alcohol AND a problem with extending kindness. Those people can always bring a flask, if they MUST have a drink, and lace their coffee with whiskey or brandy.
Most are taught that there will always be booze served at family functions and festivities and must deal with it.
I believe that is what they teach in AA.
The alcoholic shouldn't expect everyone to change their lifestyle because he has a problem. He is going to have to deal with this the rest of his life anyway.,he may as well learn now.
If the alcoholic is not ready to deal with that, he should not attend this year. Sounds callous but it is his addiction.
On the other hand, if your bro and others were willing to make such a sacrifice, just this once (since the alchoholic just got out of rehab) that would be very admirable..but not obligatory.
Bottom line: for the rest of the alcoholic's life this will be his cross to bear...and he shouldn't want or expect others to carry it for him. Your Aunt needs to see that too.
The son needs to make the choice to go or not. The family is not obligated to do differant then usual because of one, in my opinion. I went to drinking events shortly after I got out of rehab. I did fine because I chose to. I do remember my then mother in law jumping between me and someone who asked me if I wanted a drink, she said "NO". I think she figured I couldn't say no. I did and still do. If the son can't say no now, then he needs to go elsewhere until he can.
I think a family setting is a good starting place for getting back into the real world. He and only he controls what goes in his mouth. Best of luck to him. He can do it.
If my son was fresh out of rehab, I would request no booze be served. Having said that (as a mother) I still think it's up to him to keep himself sober.
It wouldn't ruin my dinner to have to give up wine with it. Now, if I had to give up the gravy, now we're talking sacrifice.
I do remember my then mother in law jumping between me and someone who asked me if I wanted a drink, she said "NO".
That reminds me of a friend who was so concerned about my recovery from alcoholism that he actually asked me if it was OK for him to eat grapes in front of me!
People mean well, but they have to understand that if you try to work their recovery program for them, it won't work. You can't get or stay sober for someone else. You have to want it for yourself.
Aunt needs to go to Alanon. Recovering A is responsible for making his own choices. Family should be respectful and understanding (meaning they shouldn't be pushing it in his face if he does attend and should understand if he chooses not to attend), but they are not required to change their plans because Recovering A is recovering.
If this person wants to go off the wagon, he will anyway. And if he does't want to go off the wagon, he won't anyway. Nothing the family does is going to change that.
Part of that going all out means lots of booze. An aunt has asked the family not to serve alcohol because her son is fresh out of a rehab. Do you think she is out of line to make a request like that?
Well she requested on the behalf of her son. Didn't demand, requested. I think moms are always going to worry about junior, mine always will.
Another key is lots of booze by your own words. Since he is fresh out maybe it's not the best place for him to spend the day? Not so early in his rehab. Yes it comes down to his being responsible for himself without doubt.
So no booze would put a big damper on the holiday? Well if that's the case then don't ruin the day for yourselves.
He may want to attend regardless as a little test for himself, who knows. Do your own thing and see what happens I guess.
My uncle did rehab. We don't drink much around my house but dad likes a glass of wine with turkey. The first turkey meal we had after my uncles rehab there was no wine on the table. My uncle asked about it and dad told him he kept it off the table out of respect. Well uncle said to go about business as usual because we weren't the only people on the planet that drank.
Dad still didn't bring it out as it said it wouldn't be ready since we were already eating.
From all the various things you've posted about your folks, they impress me a great deal. That was a nice gesture on your dad's part, and a nice gesture on your uncle's.
Amen to that. Nothing like an overprotective mother to send one back off the wagon. Seriously. Until she begins changing her behaviors for healthier ones, why would he do anything differently? He's got his mommy to protect him. Don't mean to sound callous, but after 13 years in Al-Anon I refuse to take responsibility for another's actions. He falls off the wagon, that's his deal. If family can oblige him by not drinking - great. But why doesn't he ask for that himself? I'd be much more willing to sacrifice my bottle of wine, if my alcholic family member addressed me personally versus his mother.
If someone comes to your house and has just went through treatment for a cancer caused by smoking would you ask people to smoke outside or all together at the party?
Would or should the same concept apply to alcohol?
My wifes family all love the booze (there Scottish) there are a few family members and friends who have stopped drinking but it would never enter there mind to not have alchohol at a party. This is such a big part of there culture and when someone has stopped drinking it is respected. Most alcholics I have encountered leave earlier than others just before people start getting stupid really. Thats a good idea as well and good judgement on there part.
