Truly loving two people (KInd of a response to the Soul Mate thing)

by ADubsFriend 37 Replies latest social relationships

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  Thunder Rider

  This is so "f"d up.
  
  I better just keep my mouth shut!
  
  Thunder
• 

  little witch

  Patio,

  You are warped. I do not condemn the poster for religious reasons.

  I never brought religion into it at all..

  SHE brought this into public view, not I.

  As such, I give my opinion.

  I never understood why someone would want to bring such personal info to the "elders" and I sure as hell don't understand bringing it here.

  I can only guess it is for attention or acceptance. I give neither....

  If she didnt want to hear opinion, why the hell did she ask for it? Don't be foolish. If you are foolish, deal with it.
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  Gretchen956

  My my my this is an interesting thread, I just stumbled on it today. I have noticed that most (most, not all) of those who are judgemental here are young. Its so easy to be idealistic when young. I know, and most others that reach a certain age (we won't call it middle age) know.. that many people start looking at their lives and wondering what they could have done differently and what might have happened if another path had been tried at that point in their lives. Sometimes that type of reflection can make you vulnerable to meeting others in that position.

  We can't always pick who we fall in love with. I myself had a little situation such as this happen although not to this degree. I was 42, married, we were having lots of problems. I was not looking around or flirting around. I befriended a woman at work, I have had many many women friends over the years. With this one we connected immediately like we had known each other in a previous lifetime. We knew each other a matter of weeks before we didn't even have to complete our sentences, we had such a connection I could have told you whether she was having a good day or not before I even talked to her.

  Out of the blue I realized that I was totally in love with her. Of course in my case I had the added onus of being a woman in love with a woman to my complete shock and dismay. Didn't matter that it was a woman with one respect. I hadn't planned it, I hadn't looked for it, but I did know one thing, I had entered a contract with my husband and he deserved more from me. In my case I realized that I really had never been in love before ever. So the only fair thing to do was to tell him and to break it off with him and thats what I did.

  I'm only telling you my experience and am not judging. But I personally cannot be fair to one and love another. I had no sexual contact with this woman, I hadn't kissed her or anything else. I knew that if I stayed married out of guilt it would only hurt him more later. In my case too, I felt that I had finally discovered who I really was after all my lifetime. I know that will not make sense to many, but there were so many ways and clues that I should have picked up on over the years and didn't.

  At any rate, I divorced him, and I didn't ask him for anything, we still maintain contact and are not friends, but still you could say amicable.

  I don't want to try to subvert the post into same sex relationships, I really don't think thats the relevent part to my post. What I want to ask you to think about is how much you are hurting your husband now, and how much you will hurt him if you stay. And, there are many valid points here about relying on someone who cheated on their partner to be with you and then expecting them to be faithful later. Be very cautious.

  Despite all the advice and admonitions and even judgement you have received here, in the end you are the only person that is living in your own skin and I think you will have to make a decision based on what you know. Best of luck to you no matter how it turns out.

  Gretchen
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  patio34

  Hi LW,

  Sorry my post upset you. I didn't say that any particular poster brought religion into the matter. What I was thinking was that so many of modern views towards relationships are influenced greatly by religion. So, whether aware of it or not, religion has influenced many of our lives, laws, and relationships.

  Pat
• 

  little witch

  I am not upset Patio, sometimes I wanna do this

  LOL.
  
  
  
  
  
• 

  ADubsFriend

  I never did ask for acceptance OR advice. If you actually read my post, it was in response to soulmates...and I simply asked if there were others who had truly loved two people at one time, and would they like to tell me about it.

  There are lifestyles on here and in every part of life that I do not agree with. That does not mean I have to judge them or condem them UNLESS they come right out and say "Hey..I do this....how do u like that?"

  I have found that the quickest to judge many times end up learning some of life's harshest lessons.

  I have found this to be true on other people posts, too. That so many on here are quick to judge but want kindness shown to themselves. You can profess wanting freedom, but hasten to let others know when they do not live up to YOUR definition of how they should behave. I repeat, I did NOT ask you to agree with my position nor did I ask how you view me morally.

  I, too, noticed how many young people were quick to judge. Yet they are angry if someone older judges them. I was that quick to judge and so sure of my pious faithfulness to only one when I was younger, too.

  And, by the way, my husband is an awesome man. We DO talk, we have great sex, we are extremely close. Does this hurt him? Yes. Did I plan that? No. It happened. All I was saying is...I finally know that you can love two people at once. It can happen and to tell me differently is bullshit, because it has happened to me.

  I am not asking if I should leave my husband. I am not asking if he should kick me out. I am not asking if the Dub is a decent person. I am not planning on leaving. My husband wants me to stay. I am not, I repeat not, planning on sex with the dub.

  That said, some of you who were NOT so quick to slap the big red A on my forehead did give me some decent questions to ask myself about this relationship.

  I believe it is ending. I think he has decided it is wrong and painful and is not calling. I am not calling him, either. I have decided that it is too hard to continue this way. I don't know at this point if we can resort back to casual friends. Nothing is impossible, but may be just too hard. We did NOT dwell on the romantic and sexual feelings. Although most of you turn a blind eye to that and assume we are screwing away. I have also decided that if he can lie to this wife, he will and probably is lying to me. I don't doubt he loves me. I just don't think he can love anyone more than himself. This was a first for me...caring for someone not your spouse. I think he has before, but quits before the actual sex. I think he loves to have women love him. I also think that, as painful as it has been, both my husband and I have gained from this. My husband agrees that he gave us things we needed to make our relationship stronger. My husband would not grow and learn. He was stuck back where he was intellectually 30 years ago. No matter how I asked, we stayed in that warp. This finally caused change. Unfortunate that it had to happen. I do believe people come into your life for a purpose. Now my husband is pursuing different interests with me. The other guy talked about these things...but I realize now these things are all in his PAST. His whole life now is work and JW.

  I will always love him, though. It is true that you cannot help who you love. But, you can try to control what you do about it. I will not deny loving someone just because other people think I should not or cannot possibly love him. That would be just as dishonest.

  My husband and I have had many talks about the situation. He has said I need to find my own way on this. That he worries about my emotional health...but that he only wants me if I want him. I do. If it bothers you that my husband gives me that freedom, then tough. It has worked for us for 30 years and this is the first time something like this happened. Come talk to me after YOU have been married for 30 years and let me know how morally perfect you both have been the whole time.

  To those who posted to me, asking me tough questions to ask myself and did not judge me...thanks. Even though I did not ask for advice, I did use some of those questions.

  To those who posted and did judge, as I say, look me up in 30 years and let me know how perfect your life has been. We can compare notes.

  I will never be ashamed of my feelings for this man. I was honest from the start. How he feels in the future about it will be his decision. I would look anyone in the eyes and say that I loved him and love him still. Love is not turned on and off. If some of you can do that, then I doubt it is love. But, I won't judge your feelings about love either. Perhaps you experience it differently that me...and it really does not matter if you do.
• 

  one_ugly_time

  ADubsFriend -

  I commend you. Yes, I believe you can love more than one at a time. Obviously, parents love each of their children and the joys brought from each of those loves is different, but just as strong.

  As far as adults, absolutely. For those that have never experienced it, it is a foreign idea. For those that have, it is a sincere test of character, emotional stability, self reflection, assertiveness, compassion, empathy, and sorrow. I believe it is on the same level of internal confusion as a death.

  Love has many definitions, the least of which I believe is sexual. Sex is a physical act. Love consists not only of how we feel, but how we act upon those feelings. I believe you were very accurate in saying you loved both men. If, however, you ran off for a week and caused havoc in both marriages, obviously lust was at work, not love.

  Love takes some very strange turns. One of the best books ever written about today's marriage and the application of love is "Open Marriage". It is not necessary to agree with everything written in this book, but if it were read as a couple, both partners would have a sincere appreciation for honesty, boundaries, sex, trust, jealousy (or the unneccessary need for) and many other common issues regarding intimacy.

  Is loving more than one considered morally wrong? It seems that way, but I am not sure why.
  Is it ethically wrong? If it is acted upon in ways that are destructive to other parties without taking the time to consider their feelings, then yes, it is ethically wrong. But if LOVE is at work, these things won't occur and it is not ethically wrong.

  Can a marriage exist, or rather grow and be rewarded by loving more than one? If your spouse recognizes that even though you could go to the mall tomorrow and find someone else to love, to share thoughts and dreams, to even have sex -- and your spouse also recognizes that he can't control or own your feelings -- and your spouse recognizes that in order to allow all of these natural parts of your existence to grow instead of eroding away and yet he wants you to come share the evening with him -- yes, your spouse will grow and the marriage will grow accordingly. In turn, each of you will be more open to allowing LOVE from others into your life.

  With Love and Best Wishes,

  one_ugly_time
• 

  dh

  i gotta agree with WhyNow2000 on this one.