Why Depression Sucks. (page 3)

flower

Shamus,

Let me clarify cause I think you got the wrong idea from what I said. In no way did I mean NOT to go to a doctor for treatment. What I meant was NOT to rely solely on a doctor to take care of this. You said..'if you are already under a doctors care there is nothing more you can do...' or something to that affect. That is where we disagree. I think that meds or doctors alone will never take you to where you want to be in beating this. The meds have their place as does therapy but I think it comes down to the individual person and their ability to draw strength from within themselves and bring it out in order to win this battle.

Trust me I know the kind of depression you have. I've tried suicide more than once and spent the better part of my young adulthood (from about age 15-29) either wishing I was dead, planning my death, attempting my death or begging, praying, pleaaading with Jehovah for my death.

I know what a chemical imbalance is and like I said its something that I will probably always have but I also think that the imbalance can be triggered on by certain emotional, physical, mental, things and I also believe that the imbalance can be controlled with the help of drugs in some cases and then when a person has realized and tapped into their own inner strength and ability..without the drugs.

I've sought treatment from physicians, therapist and also taken medication and even been hospitalized and all of them helped and I wouldnt be where I am without that part of it. But I still say until the person inside decides to do the work they will never get where they want to go. The meds can only take you so far...and its never far enough. I came out of the hospital after my week long treatment with professionals STILL suicidal..I've left doctors offices in tears. I didnt stop feeling that way until I stopped waiting for someone to make me stop but I *myself* stopped feeling that way. and at the time I realized I could control my own outlook I was not under professional treatment. Perhaps it makes no sense to you...in that case sorry I am not good at explaining.

flower

Soledad

I remember feeling that way. I remember how I couldnt take a shower. "what's the point?" I thought. I remember how I couldn't tie my shoe laces, how I couldn't even choose between 3 pairs of identical socks to put on. I remember countless hours spent staring into space, not being able to gather enough words in my brain to form one complete logical thought. there seemed to be nothing to live for.

even when I managed to accomplish something it still felt like nothing. sometimes I even felt worse than before. around others I put on a happy smiling face but inside I just wanted to jump off a cliff. I would get so many pats on the back from peers on whatever work I was doing or for a speech ("that was excellent, good job, you're so smart, etc....) but on the inside I felt an awful pain, an awful empty, burning sensation. I wanted to be dead. I would ask God before I went to sleep "please don't let me wake up. please make me die in my sleep." The next morning I would wake up---usually around 4 am---and curse the day.

food no longer tasted good. it all tasted the same. the simplest tiniest pleasures, like ice cream on a hot day, didn't appeal to me. it's like walking around in a fog, you can't really relate to anyone or anything. things are happening around you, but you're not a part of it. it's like watching a video in slow motion. someone is talking to me, I can't make eye contact. the phone rings, I can't even say Hello? too much effort. wasted.

new year's eve. I go to bed at 10 pm. why bother? staying up and watching the ball drop has suddenly lost it's magic. it's just another day. another day of the same old.............................

Mystery

Shamus -

I appreciate your comments; unfortunately - i wish he was a "typical teen' but he isn't.

He is bi-polar and to the extent of depression he has tried to commit sucide and has done self- mutalation. I will never be able to "understand" all he has done. Thru research and reading threads, such as this, I hope to be able to connect with him to a degree.

Fighting against "the system" (police officials), doctors and phy doctors to instutionalize him to find a "solution" to his problem I have suceeded to a degree. He is on meds and hopefully this will help to a degree. Depression.... it seems like I am fighting an "unseen demon" trying to possess my son. Problem is... this "unseen demon" does not know who he is up against!

I have lost my "family" due to JW's. I WILL NOT lose my son due to depression or bi-polar or any other diagnosis that he is labled with.

No disrespect to you or anyone what so ever. But I will fight this battle with my son until he wins or I die.

My love and deepest respect,

deborah

shamus

Maybe you are, maybe you're not suffering from it. Only a doctor can tell. If you are too scared to see one, PM me. We can talk privately. However, if you think it's just going to get better, one day, years from now, either A) You will be better, or B) You'll still be waiting.

Also, how can you say these drugs have such side effects? Do you even know what they are? Don't let ignorance stop you. Most people do not see a doctor and regret it years later. It's all in your court now. Either you can go on like this for a few more years and get help, or do it now.

Again, the "mental patient" mentality shows up here. If you take these meds, you're weak. In fact, the opposite is true. Testosterone usually gets in the way of men seeking help.

Is it really normal that a person feels like this for three years? You've lost all that weight, you're not eating right, and you're on a slope that only leads down. Been there, done that.

Only your doctor can diagnose you. It's a chemical imbalance. Some people are just too scared to admit they have it.

Diabetics go through the same thing. They end up, because of not taking injections, missing limbs, losing eyesight, kidney failure... depression results in not finding joy in life which equals lower paying jobs, which leads to poverty, which leads to suicide. Which step we all choose to get off at is our own personal responsibility.

I truly hope that you take my advice seriously, maybe have to go to the food bank for a few weeeks, and see a doctor. I'd rather eat at a food bank than end up living a life that I couldn't stand 24/7.

kat2u

I hate feeling like im such a terrible Friend.Mother,Wife ,Daughter and am a burden to all those I love. Depression is so totally consuming.

Kat

shamus

I'm sorry, flower, you are right. I am not thinking clearly at all tonight. Please don't take those things personally. I know now what you meant.

Mystery

Flower -

You have made a major step in knowing that it takes what is inside (and with help from others) to subside your state of mind.

I have seen it in my son, fighting so hard - knowing what he "should do". sometimes winning; sometimes losing.

You have faith in yourself, but are able to seek outside help as well. I hope my son is an intutive as you when he decides to face this himself.

May peace of mind and hope and dreams be with you,

Love,

deborah

shamus

Mystery,

www.wingofmadness.com

I am sorry that your son is bi-polar. That is really really crappy!

If you want to know what he thinks, join the above discussion group and look in the folder called bi-polar. that is how you will understand him. Not even I can. I'm not bi-polar. I know people who are, and it is horrible! I heard that they do "cut", and it's awful. Lots of nice people have this disorder.

Mystery

Shamus - if you only knew how may hours i have tried to find a site to talk with others about this. Thank you so much for the site information.

I know that i may never understand "why"; but i be damned if I will ever give up on him like so many others have.

I try to never say "i understand" and to give advice; I am so tired of all the "perfect families" around me telling me "if I would only do this... or that....." it would "set him straight" and I hope to never be this way to others. I can only give you (((shamus)))) and wish you the joy and peace you so richly deserve.

love

deborah

flower

((((((((((kat))))))))) i'm sure your none of those things. wish you could see that too.

Puternut, wow. i think you have a great attitude to just hang in there through this major wave of really sucky situations. btw, some meds have wicked bad side effects but there are a few newer ones that dont have nearly as bad side effects. i'm sure none of the side effects are as bad as a bad hangover

Mystery, Thank you! I've not been under any kind of treatment for more than two years and theyve been the best most positive two years of my life. Of course making a mental split from the JW's helped as has being devoted to being a good parent. There have been downs but the thought of suicide or self harm doesnt comes up anymore and it disgusts me that I ever thought that way.

Why Depression Sucks.

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