by shamus 49 Replies latest jw friends
Shamus -
I joined the site you recommended. It is fantastic!!! Deborah seems to be a wonderful person!!!! She has personally emailed me several times.
I have found other parents going thru the same "helplessness" as I have. Thank you again for caring enough to give me insight on the forum you showed me.
You are a thoughful and wonderful person for helping me.
Faithfully yours,
deborah
No worries, deborah. Anytime. I'm registered there under, well, something different. If you really need to know, PM me. I don't want the trolls watching me.
Dark Uncle, thanks for summing up my point exactly. Although it seems like, and maybe I was after some "sympathy", I really don't want it. Make sense? Nothing does nowadays. I am truly sorry to even bring some of this stuff up here, because not only do people not understand, but why in the hell would I bring this up on an ex-dud forum?
I just wish that I knew how my brain worked, and I could stop this. But ol' dickhead can't. I'm stunted and can't get up, LOL!
Who the fkkk knows? Maybe if I bash my head against the cement things will become clearer.
Good thread shamus. I found that st johns wort removed the fog, so i could see my shit more clearly. As a result, the pain was actually increased, and i could have very easily checked.
I hate that my silent prayer every night before I go to bed is, "I wish I was dead." It's not being suicidal tho, it's just a wish to cease to exist. To just disolve into nothing and sink into the ground like a small mud puddle.
It sucks because when people pay you a compliment, you can't believe them. You constantly think they want something from you, or are just being nice as a formality, but they can't really mean what they say.
It sucks because even tho on some level you know your life isn't that bad, it feels like it is. You just sit and wait, for some break, some piece of advice, anything that will make it go away.
It sucks because you think nothing but good thoughts for everyone else, and there are none left-over for yourself.
Shamus you said,
I can't think right now. I can't control my rage. I'm slipping. My words typed out on posts above make no sense to me. I can't concentrate enough to understand what they or what other people's posts mean.I'm in a hard place right now, but you've given me strength now. Thank you so much. I can't say that this episode will not end up with me going into a major depressive episode right now, so I am very very scared right now.
I've got to say...I am worried about you, too. Everyone has given some good advice and their experiences to you. I wish 'one size fit's all' was true, it'd be a lot easier, huh?
It scares me 'cause I recognize your words -- they came randomly tumbling out of my own mouth...
I wanted to ask you some things: Think...was there something that happened -- just before 'all this hit' you? It could be a trigger or triggers. You haven't mentioned...are you alone...? (Not really my bid'ness) I think from experience, if you are, it might not be a good idea. Maybe your're with someone who doesn't...understand...*sigh*
The other thing -- are you seeing a doctor who has the training to help you with this...? Rx's...?
Please...do not delay. What I think I see is a call for help...everyone (well, nearly...) will call out for help when they get to a certain 'point', I did, but, the person that heard...did not listen...did not understand. Happily, yes happily...I managed...somehow to save myself, by attracting attention of passersby in a park...who summoned help.
Yes, if you hadn't guessed...I tried to commit suicide by OD'ing.
Shamus, do not let this get out of hand, out of control...please...?
Something else: Did you know that most 'successful' suicides are -- 'accidental'? W-T-F...? Yeah...
This is what the kind lady from MHMR told me later that night. She explained it this way: Most people who 'start the ball rolling', made this terrible decision, with of course a cloudy, hurt, confused mind. But, along the way...their good sense comes back, they decide 'NO!. They are too late -- most of them... what they started, they could not stop!!!!!!!!!
So, when she said I was 'lucky'...I did not believe. I do now..!!
You would not believe ONE of the things I was thinking when she said, 'lucky', I almost said, We're JW's and we don't use the word 'luck', cause...blah,blah, blah...! Sad, huh...?
By the way...the non-understanding person I was with who missed all the 'signals' -- my straight-laced, now X, good JW wife. I am lucky...I have a real wife now!
Shamus,
I am not trying to be morbid, talking about and saying that terrible word 'suicide' that introduced itself to me one day. Instead, I'm trying to follow what I've learned a person should do...when they see the 'signs' and hears someone's calling out. I hope I am wrong and have my head up my a$$ on this one.
But, I cannot look the other way...like it happened to me. But, I was lucky, I attracted a stranger who saw my note, held my hand, I never saw him...he left after help was there...we are all kinda' sorta' strangers here, too.
The difference is we want to look after our brothers & sisters...
Listening,
Lee
Shamus you said,
I can't think right now. I can't control my rage. I'm slipping. My words typed out on posts above make no sense to me. I can't concentrate enough to understand what they or what other people's posts mean.I'm in a hard place right now, but you've given me strength now. Thank you so much. I can't say that this episode will not end up with me going into a major depressive episode right now, so I am very very scared right now.
I've got to say...I am worried about you, too. Everyone has given some good advice and their experiences to you. I wish 'one size fit's all' was true, it'd be a lot easier, huh?
It scares me 'cause I recognize your words -- they came randomly tumbling out of my own mouth...
I wanted to ask you some things: Think...was there something that happened -- just before 'all this hit' you? It could be a trigger or triggers. You haven't mentioned...are you alone...? (Not really my bid'ness) I think from experience, if you are, it might not be a good idea. Maybe your're with someone who doesn't...understand...*sigh*
The other thing -- are you seeing a doctor who has the training to help you with this...? Rx's...?
Please...do not delay. What I think I see is a call for help...everyone (well, nearly...) will call out for help when they get to a certain 'point', I did, but, the person that heard...did not listen...did not understand. Happily, yes happily...I managed...somehow to save myself, by attracting attention of passersby in a park...who summoned help.
Yes, if you hadn't guessed...I tried to commit suicide by OD'ing.
Shamus, do not let this get out of hand, out of control...please...?
Something else: Did you know that most 'successful' suicides are -- 'accidental'? W-T-F...? Yeah...
This is what the kind lady from MHMR told me later that night. She explained it this way: Most people who 'start the ball rolling', made this terrible decision, with of course a cloudy, hurt, confused mind. But, along the way...their good sense comes back, they decide 'NO!. They are too late -- most of them... what they started, they could not stop!!!!!!!!!
So, when she said I was 'lucky'...I did not believe. I do now..!!
You would not believe ONE of the things I was thinking when she said, 'lucky', I almost said, We're JW's and we don't use the word 'luck', cause...blah,blah, blah...! Sad, huh...?
By the way...the non-understanding person I was with who missed all the 'signals' -- my straight-laced, now X, good JW wife. I am lucky...I have a real wife now!
Shamus,
I am not trying to be morbid, talking about and saying that terrible word 'suicide' that introduced itself to me one day. Instead, I'm trying to follow what I've learned a person should do...when they see the 'signs' and hears someone's calling out. I hope I am wrong and have my head up my a$$ on this one.
But, I cannot look the other way...like it happened to me. But, I was lucky, I attracted a stranger who saw my note, held my hand, I never saw him...he left after help was there...we are all kinda' sorta' strangers here, too.
The difference is we want to look after our brothers & sisters...
Listening,
Lee
I hate this so much. It feels like I can't function when I don't have my meds. I'm the mother of five children and a wife. It feels as though, when I start falling, the kids and husband are looking down on me as though this is my fault and sometimes I think it is. I can't do my chores at home, I can't deal with people at work, my husband cant understand he says he tries, but it ends up being an argument or discussion about what this is doing to him. I have to try real hard to be sensitive to his feelings and the kids feelings and to everyone around me. I want to scream so loud "what about my butt", but then I feel selfish, they aren't the ones who have this , I do and I feel like a freak, in fact that's what a brother of mine and his wife call me. I don't know how long I am willing to let everyone go through what my depression is causing them. I don't want anyone to go through this. I have no one to talk to about it, no one to tell me that they understand, nothing. It's been like this for years. I've tried taking myself off of the medication before, because my brother told me that it was all in my head. I couldn't handle life off my meds. I run out of them due to lack of money and I try so hard to hold it together and fake a smile, but it's getting harder and harder. It sucks.
Welcome to the board...
Just my 2cents, but you need peace of mind and if it requires meds to help cope then do it. Find the money cut back on
some other purchase. Your no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself. Sorry Let me re-phrase that...you need to take care of yourself to help raise your family.Only then
will you feel at your best and have a postive outlook towards the future.
If the house is a mess so what. Do one thing at a time. Don't try to get everything done in a day. And if you still go to meetings cut back you need some
down time to be able to relax and re-group. Take care of yourself first, when your happy everything will fall into place.
Hope the best for you, hang in there.
hope4others
earth, by all means, stand up and say "what about my butt." I'd like to welcome your butt to the forum here. Five kids? Holy! Are you on any mom's forums as well? (It truly takes a village, hey?) I hope you will overcome any and all excuses to finding your way to homeostasis for the sake of not emulating depressive behavioural patterns for your kids, and for the sake of your own butt!!!
Everybodys depression is different. The causes are different, the feelings are different. Alot of people are depressed for different reasons at many times in their life.
I've suffered from depression for the greater part of my life. A psychologist I went to at first said that with cognitive behavioral therapy I could figure out what caused it and change my thinking to get over it. In the meantime he prescribed medication. For the first time in my life I felt NORMAL. After a lot of therapy he then told me that he thought my depression was organic (guess he didn't find enough wrong with me).
That was a number of years ago. Since then I have been on medication, trying different ones as they came along and it has made all the difference between being a cripple and leading a normal life.
I suppose my point is that since each one of us are different, then answers and solutions are different for each of us.
I used to feel guilty for not being able to be normal without meds. You know, you just feel like a weak person! Over time though, I looked at it in the same way as I look at taking my blood pressure medicine. Its just one more condition, one more illness that often can be kept under control with the proper treatment. No guilt anymore.
Whatever it takes for us to feel better about life, about ourselves is what we should do. Why should we feel guilty? This damned disease takes so much away from us, why shouldn't we do whatever it takes to get it back!
So we should do whatever we need to, get public assistance, health clinics, ask for cheaper meds...WHATEVER!
And don't feel guilty.
Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.
