My heart is ripped out !!

by Puternut 69 Replies latest jw friends

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  Lady Lee

  Puternut

  A belief in God , the God of the Bible is very different than what the JWs woul dhave you belive. It will take time to sift through the truth anf the half-truths and the lies. Many people retain a belief in God. Some join other churches. others don't. Some adopt other beliefs. If your faith in God is still strong (even though it may feel like it is gone) be patient with yourself. Just as you would be patient with a child that is hurt and need of care so too you have been hurt and are in need of care. God knows that and will give you the time and opportunity to heal.

  The WTS does not equal God - a place they have taken for themselves.

  But there is no hurry.

  Try to be at peace knowing you are taking your first steps to real truth
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  Double Edge

  Puternut...

  I feel so lost. I still feel I need to belong to something. I was so active and I am absolutely doing nothing about my faith.

  You're still in the beginning stages of emotional 'withdrawal'... recognize that and give it time. Remember, life is a journey of discovery, you've been released to set sail again, so do it... It's a great big world out there, with interesting people, places and philosophies.

  I am actually mad at God. Is there one?

  I believe there is, in fact, I KNOW there is (that's where my journey has taken me). And if you want to be 'mad' at God, that's ok, He understands. In fact, I believe he's given you a gift, even though it is as yet unrecognized.

  Do I now just fend for my self as far as a belief is concerned?

  No, if it is something of value to you, go find it. No real 'treasure' is ever found without intense searching. From your first post, I was impressed by what you had to say. Perhaps your 'voice' regarding your experiences will become instrumental in helping others. Life is full of mountains and valleys. Look at the valley for what it is, don't let it consume you and play 'negative' mind games. Kick it in the teeth, look forward towards things that interest you, and go after them. Hang with 'positive' people and ideals .... they are like magnets and will attract good energies in your life (I know this sounds a little 'new age', but really it's just good old common sense).

  Double Edge
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  Sassy

  Puternut, I understand how you are feeling. It is like every foundation you had under you was pulled out. And the waste of your life where you sacrificed things because it was the right thing to do.......

  Have you got the the part where you found out they change the information on the WT CD? So that if you look up material where they have changed their viewpoint, it is written now if you pull it up as if it never was the way it was..... as if it was covered up..... I can't help but think of all the talks and bookstudies where the information on how we know the bible to be true, because of the fact that world history will change their books, so as to 'save face'...but the bible writers did not... Then why would they change their material on the cd? I would never have given away my bound volumes when I moved if I had known that the cd that I used, was not the same.......... it was a total let down..

  The really sad thing about it is, if we were in this organization for any number of years........many of us twenty and up.. everything we believed in is now in question.. so what do you base your trust and hope in now?
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  Maggie

  Just so you know you aren't alone..my husband and I were in the truth 30+ years 20+ years as pioneers, serving where need was great...living only for the truth...to find the same that you did...our marriage broke up along with it....children involved etc. It has been a couple years and we are still healing but, believe me it does get better and you meet other people, many who really do understand what you are going through or what you have been through...take care and remember Jehovah is God, not a man made organization...he created all things..including us...take courage....look to the creation for proof of what life is really about and how loving a creator we have....Maggie
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  seven006

  I can barely type, since I have a face full of tears. I feel so lost. I still feel I need to belong to something. I was so active and I am absolutely doing nothing about my faith. I am actually mad at God. Is there one?

  Putermut,

  Instead of trying to belong to something, you have an opportunity for the first time in your life to belong to yourself. I would guess reading your comments that you may have very little understanding of that concept. Being a JW teaches you to belong to something as a means of survival. They teach you to fear and doubt yourself as a way to control you. Their "something" is weak and confused. Being a part of yourself is foreign to them. You are a lot stronger than you may think, you just haven't been given the opportunity to realize that. Give yourself a little time and use that bright mind of yours. You will be amazed once you find out you have the ability to do that.

  If there is a god, and I have my strong doubts, he/she/it will understand what you have just gone through and will not mind you taking some time to figure it all out. If you were god, wouldn't you do that for someone else? Would you expect anything less from a supreme being?

  If you ever need to talk, send me a PM and I will send you my phone number. I went through what you are now going through over twenty years ago. Trust me, it becomes clear and you will be just fine.

  Take care,

  Dave
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  Scully

  Hi there Puternut

  I am actually mad at God. Is there one? Do I now just fend for my self as far as a belief is concerned?

  I remember those feelings too. I felt guilty for being "mad at God"; I mean, how DARE I be mad at God??!! But when I sat down and thought about it rationally, I realized there was nothing wrong with being "mad at God". God should understand. God should love me (and you) enough to accept us the way we are, even if we get mad at him. For God to not understand these emotions and accept them (since we are supposed to be created "in his image") would mean that he's not really much of a God, right??

  The way I started to look at my situation was similar to the shock and disbelief a child might experience when their parents (or someone else) tell them that Santa Claus isn't real. Once you "know" it's impossible to "un-know". You can't go back. The bell has been rung and you can't un-ring it. Eventually though, once the initial shock has worn off, you understand that it isn't necessary to jump right into another religion or another set of beliefs. What's more important is to determine what your place is in the world, what your values and goals are and to live in harmony with those. You may decide to look at other belief systems eventually, but now you will have your own values to bring into that "relationship", and you can decide for yourself if any single belief system is consistent with those values you feel are important.

  You are just at the beginning of what could be the most interesting and liberating time of your life. You will learn a lot about where you came from (the JWs), about yourself (the real "you" without all the JW New Personality? crap attached to it), and will be able to make some decisions about what YOU want for YOUR future. Enjoy it!! You are truly free!

  Love, Scully (25 years in, 9 years out)
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  magnolia

  You have moved me to tears also Puternut! I too am new to this board (of life) and must tell you...you are not alone. I was a witness for 20+ years, df'd for almost 2. I just located this web site a couple of days ago, signed up and immediately received emails from several people who have gone through and are going through what you and I are. TOTAL SUPPORT...TOTAL UNDERSTANDING!! We all have our stories, we are all going through similar and different ways of getting better. But we ARE getting better!!!!!!!!! It was NOT wasted time! I know at the time, there were many people in the congregation you helped because you truly cared for them. You were doing what you thought was right....I know that, because I thought I was too with every "bible study" I conducted. Obviously we were all as deceived as Eve...........it's going to take time.....
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  Nathan Natas

  Hi Puternut,

  I wonder if you can think of anyone who may have had it worse than you did.

  You were a male in a male-dominated cult. You had rank in the cult. You were something of a "wheel" in the cult.

  What about the people you disfellowshipped? Do you think that they might have had nearly as hard a time as you are having now? Might some of them been even more distaught than you are now?

  What about the "rank-and-file" Dubs who followed your opinions about what they ought to do with their lives, who have lived unfulfilling, unrewarded lives becasue they followed advice you dispensed with such authority?

  Get a grip on yourself and stop crying - there's work to be done, man!
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  Lady Lee

  Come on Nathan We all have to go through this. There will be plenty of time to deal with those issues

  One step at a time
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  codeblue

  Dear Puternut:

  I think you need a (((hug)))....

  I have been reading your posts and have been likewise impressed with your ability to share you inner feelings. Like the one on: Where's the Love?

  I read this new thread and could "feel" your pain. You see, it hasn't been that long since myself, and Mr. CB have been learning these things about the WTBS. (about 10 months) I think Mr. CB and you have so much in common, from what I read of your life. I think you 2 would have a lot to talk about.

  We have both been angered that we gave so many years to the WTBS and was deceived in many ways. I was a true die hard until I saw that Dateline Special almost 2 years ago last May about the child pedophiles within the organization. I only saw the last 10 minutes and almost fell off my couch....I began to ask myself: How can I go in the door to door work now? We (WTBS) are no different than the Catholics...My doubts began...I despise hypocrisy. And like I told you on your other post about when we relocated to Washington...the terrible, cruel elder visit...that really did it!!! (love is suppose to be one of the identifying marks of a true religion) And yes, I found this site....referred to it by Scully, who knew Mr. CB in their teen years...I was very nervous when I first started reading...but I could identify myself more with most of the people who post here than at the KH (hmmm)

  I am so sorry you are feeling this pain and also the pain of loosing your family. You have gone thru a lot of traumatic things in a short period of time...and NOW you are finding another thing that just seems to almost make you feel even more "alone"...But you really aren't alone...You have had some doors closed, but new ones are beginning to open.

  There are a lot of really kind people here. You have had many kind responses, and they are genuine. I have met some of the posters and they are just as genuine as they seem in writing. They have experienced what we have experienced and truly understand what you are going thru...they are a "life support"...

  Codeblue