My heart is ripped out !!

by Puternut 69 Replies latest jw friends

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  freelife

  ((((((puternut))))) I know that it is very hard to cope with the feelings you have right now. Just remember that there are many of us here right now who know exactly what you are feeling. We were all blinded by the WTS some of us had no choice by beeing born into the org. others of us were blinded by the promises of a org, that told you different things than the norm dragging you in because it is so different it has to be right. Your mind will be spinning for a while my mind did not clear up for a few months. Like other have said, then you will just be downright pissed off at the WTS. Just remember that you have a large support group here. I know that you are a REAL brother of mine one who is in need of REAL brotherly love from someone who has been in your shoes before. Keep reading up on things here and you will strt to see the light at the end of the tunnel my friend. Post your feelings and I am sure that you will find answers to your questions and you will find many new friends.

  Brotherly love

  Clint
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  Undecided

  Hi Puternut,

  It's going to be hard to accept reality. I've been out of the JWs for 30 years and am just now comming to grips with what life really is about. I've enjoyed my life out of the controll of the borg. and have raised my kids to make up their own mind on religion and life. Just remember that your life is your own and you can give it away to some religion, person, or whatever, but you can also adjust it to you own needs and enjoyment.

  There are many things that can make your life enjoyable, depending on your personality and you should pursue these things, as it seems to me we only have this present life and if we waste it we can't go back and live it over again.

  Now that you are becomming free, don't waste too much time grieving over spilt milk and just enjoy your freedom. Life can be very difficult to face without the mind being controlled to think paradise is just around the corner, but it can be done. Good luck on your life now as a free spirit. It will take time but many have succeeded.

  Ken P.
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  Frannie Banannie

  (((((Puternut))))) (wipes tears from Puternut's face with sleeve)....there now....it's kinda rough to change yer name from Brother Richard Cranium to Puternut all in one fell swoop, dearie....but we're all here to help...each in his/her own way.....We're mostly all "been there, got da tee-shirt Class" and love ya to pieces, chere! I know my own feet stayed mighty sore for a while from kickin' my own beehind, post-borg.

  This URL (http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/16/57203/1.ashx) regarding the Psychological Issues most of us face when we make our Exodus from the borganization will help you get a better understanding of the feelings you're dealing with right now and how better to handle your grief and future feelings.

  You have a wonderful ability to express yourself in print. Keep us posted on your progress and we'll be here to support you through all the bumps in your "pathway to life"......

  Frannie B
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  Billygoat

  ((((Puternut))))

  I've never been in your shoes, but I do understand to a certain extent. You are welcome here on this board and I am thrilled you are here! Although the first year is pretty painful, the freedom from a false prophet is amazing. When Christ talks about his yoke being light...it is. Two laws...love your God with your whole soul...lover your neighbor as yourself. No time sheets, no five meetings a week, no disfellowshippings over trivial issues, no rules that have NO biblical backing.

  Keep coming back friend!

  Andi
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  shotgun

  Puternut...

  I never reached the stature in the congregation which you did but it doesn't really matter, the pain you describe has been felt by myself and many others.

  My mind felt like it would explode at first, somedays I spent up to 8 hours reading and researching WT material. It was an obsession.

  You don't mention a family, are they aware of your feelings?

  The terrible feeling in your stomach will get better, the only way I could describe it is that feeling of being dumped by your first love when you were 13 except the pain lasts alot longer.

  Many here are rooting for you

  I've sent you a PM

  Shotgun
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  azaria

  Hi Puternut, I don't have too much to add to what everyone else said. I haven't read most of the replies yet, only the first page, but will later on. I understand just a little of what you are going through. It grieves me so much when I read posts like these. Will my mother ever see the truth of this organization? I really doubt that she ever will, but I have to hope. After my dad passed away (just the family, no witnesses) we had our own little service for my dad and my mother said that it was the first time that she felt the presence of God, that He was leading us. To me that says a lot about this org. Like others have said, you're running around doing things that you don't quietly just be and maybe allow the presence of God in your life. I was never a witness, but I do understand the feeling of betrayel. I know it wasn't intentional but I never knew some of the things my church (Christian Reformed) believed. It was never mentioned and when I heard about it through another church (Reformed Church of America) I was stunned. Like someone else said, it hit me like a ton of bricks. They were my family. I thought they believed the same things that I did. When I found out I couldn't go back to the services. I am now going to a different denomination. I asked to speak to an elder to see what this church believed in because I didn't want to waste more of my life. I admit that I have a need to belong to a congregation and thankfully I haven't lost my belief in God. I guess I'm lucky that my belief system hadn't changed. I just realized that the church I belonged to didn't have some of the same beliefs I did. The shock is pretty well over but I am going through a depression, but in time I know I will get through it. I know you will in time get through this. So many of us feel that we have wasted our lives. You don't have to have been a witness to feel that. But you did finally see it. How many never see it.

  I haven't seen this book mentioned yet: 30 years a Watchtower Slave by William J Schnell. It was written around 1956. He was in the org from the 20's to the 50's. He helped set up the system. In his foreword he wrote: I have no rancor against my former brethren-I have no axe to grind-in writing this story. I have only one major task to perform, and that is...I have a vow to fufill, which I made to God, when He set me free, once again to be a Christian! I highly recommend this book. Take care Puternut. (Sorry this post is longer than I intended)
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  LittleToe

  Brigadoon:
  For every choice there are consequences. In situations that likely have radical consequences, it's best taking time to consider the options deeply.
  Further, things rarely boil down to just two choices. In fact, I start to get edgy when I hear folks getting so black and white as demanding there are only two choices - it reminds me of a cult I used to belong to...

  Being reactionary isn't all it's cracked up to be.

  After coming to the realisation that the borg wasn't what I'd been raised to believe I took a further four months before I left (that was throughout the revealing of the UN debacle).
• 

  xjw_b12

  Ary. I see you've "caught sight of the disgusting thing standing where it ought not to"

  Think you'll find this outpouring of true love and compassion at the Kingdum Hall?

  Some excellant advice here. I echo what ascot said, though. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Be sure to go back and read his first reply to you.

  Ironic isn't it. JWs accuse us of being evil and without love, when in reality every single one of us has become a better person, if only for the reason that we have "cut the chain that bounds us" and are free to make our own choices and decisions.

  When I read posts like this, it's a bit of dejavu. Unfortunately I did not have the wisdom that "resides" here to help me mull through it, so I jump for joy when someone like yourself admits deprogramming, and comes here to announce such. (actually I smash my fist on the desk, and shout "take that you #*$^%, WTS, another successful escapee)

  Stories such as yours, is why I feel JWism is the most dangerous cult in the world. They do not need remote hideaways, or fenced compounds to keep their adherents in line. They have accomplished it by mind and "heart" control.

  I wish you the best on your new journey.
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  Mulan

  I feel so lost. I still feel I need to belong to something. I was so active and I am absolutely doing nothing about my faith.

  You're still in the beginning stages of emotional 'withdrawal'... recognize that and give it time. Remember, life is a journey of discovery, you've been released to set sail again, so do it... It's a great big world out there, with interesting people, places and philosophies.

  This is the stage where those who have lost a mate will hastily remarry disastrously. Take your time, and don't go joining anything. It will only be a band aid, and you will still have to go through the grief.

  I am sorry for what is happening to you, because I remember well the terrible pain, the sleepless nights, the anger..............all of it. I literally threw things, and got down on my knees and sobbed (not in prayer, but in anquish because I couldn't stand up). It was the worst thing I've ever gone through, including death of a loved one. I was so angry at God for allowing me to be fooled for my entire life (age 4 to age 50). I went through a long phase where I didn't believe in god at all and now I know that my god was really the WTS, and it had died in my heart, so god was dead too. That eventually changed. But I felt like I had wasted my life, and the lives of my 4 kids. Ultimately, after about 2-3 years (yes.............YEARS) you realize it wasn't a waste at all and you go on and live the REAL life, because THIS IS IT!! Use your time wisely now.

  My husband went through it before I did, and I stayed in denial for about 2 years before it all unraveled. During those two years, our marriage went through a very bad time, but we are okay now.

  You have gotten some great advice here from all who have experienced the same thing. I advise you to remember it and follow it.
  Marilyn
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  SpunkyChick

  Hi Puternut and welcome to the board. I can also relate with you. My family spent our prime years in the borg. (For my mom 20+ years!). Like many have recommended, read the book Crisis of Conscience. It will help you move on to the next stage of your life. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

  ~~SpunkyChick