Tuesday,
Sounds to me like you married a spoiled brat. In order for a marriage to work both partners have to be concerned happiness and well being of the other. Sounds to me like you're doing all the work trying to please some one that is basically hostile to your every word and deed.
The worst mistake you could make is to allow this kind of behavior to continue. Explaine to her in a loving manner that you married her because you love her and as a man you need affection, admiration and approval.
We men are easy to please, we just want to please our women and watch them be happy.
If she responds well to what you say and truly wants your marriage to work, then I suggest you buy her DR. Laura's new book, "The proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".
Don't laugh the woman has a way of making the seemingly difficult task of making any relationship work, a simple process of decisions and actions.
I have 20 years of marriage under my belt and would charge the gates of hell for my wife Sheila. She knows this. I know that she would do anything for me. The thing is we don't focus on what the other is doing for us, but rather what we are doing for the other.
Don't let this simmer. Get it out in the open soon and do so without any anger or sarcasm. Talk to her not at her.
I hope this will help.
Thunder ===]>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
Marriage Advice...
by Tuesday 59 Replies latest jw friends
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Thunder Rider
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Nosferatu
I'll tell you, this sounds all too familiar. I went through all that with my ex-common-law wife. I did damn near everything. I felt like I was carrying the load for two people. I'd clean the house all weekend. Two days later, I'd come home from work and the place is a disaster. She would spill things and not bother to clean it up. I'd get "I'll do it later". I finally started getting pissed off and saying "No! You'll clean it now!"
I remember one particular Saturday morning where she had to go to work, and I wanted to sleep in. She asked me to get out of bed and roll her a cigarette. I told her "no, I want to sleep in today". She got extremely pissed off, and I got the silent treatment all morning.
Some other good points here:
It sounds like you would benefit from therapy as well, IMO, because the fact you let yourself be walked over is indicative of a problem that either was pre-existant to the marriage, or came to be afterwards.
I agree. This was the problem I used to have. I've fixed this part of myself up, and it's working out much better with my current fiance.
It sounds to me as though she is insecure and suffers from anxiety problems. I've seen people react that way, people I'm close to, and it usually stems from problems like this.
Let me try to explain. She finds it hard to cope with things. If the house is messy, it probably really gets her down, but she often finds it difficult to "do" the things she needs to do. Therefore, she asks you to do it, and if you don't, she gets angry at you. Its likely she's truly angry at herself, not you.
This sounds like it very well could be her problem. But try telling her that. You probably won't get anywhere. I sure didn't.
From what it sounds like, you were too involved in trying to constantly please her from the beginning of the relationship. She got used to it, and now she expects it from you. She sounds like a very high maintenance woman, and getting through to her is going to be pretty much impossible.
I don't mean to burst your bubble, but it sounds like your marriage is beyond repair. I wouldn't doubt if the time soon comes (if it hasn't already) where she's going to cheat on you. Keep your eyes open. When my ex moved out, I came across a note that she had written to a guy she works with. If she's not finding happiness with you, she may go out and find it with someone else.
I have to say, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's frustrating, and it plays havoc with your patience and nerves. Please take care of yourself. She sure isnt'.
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Tuesday
Thanks everyone for your posts, they've given me some perspective. Basically my wife about two days ago picked up the kitchen and living room. That was cool and all but literally it probably took around 15 minutes to half an hour. We just moved the bedroom around and it looks like a tornado hit it, it's going to take around an hour to two hours. Neither one of us wants to do the dishes, that's a chore we both hate. I like to cook and am very good at it so I usually end up doing that. She's in banking so she does the bills. I'm good in math too but I'm working on my 7th concussion so my memory is not that great, she said she'd handle bills so I took her up on it. As for the other stuff, my wife recently had a miscarriage. We both have semi-stressful jobs but it seems she takes her's home, I never really let things get to me. In fact in the past 10 years I can truthfully say I've yelled maybe 6 times (if you don't count promos I do). Every man treats his girlfriend like a queen when they first go out, and I did; I just think now that it's become expected. Bring her a drink, make dinner, do the dishes, rub her feet/back. I dunno maybe this will help you see her side so you can help me see that side? I just need help I don't want to end the marriage but I've been thinking of it lately. Then we have a lease for a year with our apartment...that should be fun! Well thanks again for your help I really appreciate it.
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Satans little helper
sounds to me like you have one of two possible problems. Either:
1) You are a bone idle lazy fecker and need to pull your finger out before your wife leaves you or
2) Your wife expects you to do more around the house than she does.
I would lean towards 1. Sounds like you need to do more around the house and show a desire to spend time with her, is it really that much of a drag to spend the evening with her rather than go to the gym? If it is then you have a very unhealthy relationship and need to get counselling. I would say she is probably feeling resentful that the house is a shithole and that you aren't prepared to do anything about it and would also prefer to spend time at the gym rather than with her.
I've been married 5 months now although we have lived together for 2 years and occasionally get the same thing, mainly due to me not pulling my weight in the household chores. I work long hours too and commute 80 miles each way to work each day so leave the house at 7:30 and get back the same sort of time in the evening, that doesn't mean that my wife gets the honour of being my house maid (well not always) as she works full time too.
Firstly you should be sat down and talking to her about it, rather than talking to people here. And don't be all defensive when you do sit down with her to talk about it - acknowledge your own mistakes rather than looking to blame her for everything.
Hey, at least she still wants to have sex with you, things could be worse.
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Satans little helper
I guess I posted just as you did - sounds like case 2 then.
The advice still stands, talk to her about it and be realistic rather than accusatorial. Make allowance for the fact that she probably still feels like shit after the miscarraige.
I know this is a bit anal but maybe working out a list of chores and who does what may help
Talking is the key to a good marraige, if that stops it all goes pear shaped
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Nosferatu
Neither one of us wants to do the dishes, that's a chore we both hate.
I fixed that. I bought a dishwasher against her wishes. She ordered me not to buy it, but I did anyway.
Sounds like you need to do more around the house and show a desire to spend time with her, is it really that much of a drag to spend the evening with her rather than go to the gym?
Sorry Satan's, I have to disagree. The more he does, the less she does. The less he does, the even less she does. I wasn't allowed to have any of my friends over because the house was always messy, but I wasn't the one who made it messy. I was always the one cleaning it up. Whenever I'd get on her case to help me clean up, she would remind me of the one time she cleaned up. Pretty lousy way to defend yourself.
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franklin J
Hi Tuesday
I have been married for 18 years and we do occasionaly drop the ball. Aside from those occasional times; we try to keep a good sense of humor and laugh at everythting--it helps.
The game gets easier as you move forward. 8 months is still new. It takes time for adjustment. Sounds like your wife just has to "adjust" to having you around full time.
Give it time.
Hang in there ....
smile, Frank
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Elsewhere
It sounds like she is verbally abusive.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1558505822/103-4298732-4942263
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans
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Satans little helper
Nos, you have some serious issues, negativity and self centredness being two of them. Telling Tuesday that he's f**ked and to bin his marraige is completely reprehensible.
I am in my third long term relationship, the previous 2 being 5 years plus each and I totally agree with Franklin, some times you go through a sticky patch. Tuesday, you are still young and growing into the relationship; hell, part of the fun is growing together and learning from your mistakes as a team. Talk to her and be committed to fixing things, if you aren't committed to your marraige how do you expect it to last?
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Winston Smith :>D
My $0.02?
The first year or two was stressful for my wife and I and we finally 'got things down' I'd say by year three of four.
So having little spats like this that turn into large sources of contention is of no surprise to me.
A few things to consider here:
1. The marriage is new, & you have to find and set boundaries, spoken or otherwise
2. How old is your wife? You are only 23, correct? Age can be a factor as well
Have things always been like this? I ask because of this last point:
3. She JUST HAD A MISCARRIAGE! That is HUGE. Marriages can break up just on that fact alone.
When my wife had her miscariage, it threw our whole life in chaos.
Actually, that's when I finally started to question Jehovah and the organization that I thought was his representative org on earth, and hence, put in action my DA.
My wife went through a multitude of problems. One major issue she had was she thought that the miscarriage affected her more than it did me. Which it did, because she was carrying a life in her.
With you giving mention to the miscarriage in just one sentence leads me to think that this issue has not been addressed and it's danger is not fully realized by you.
The miscarriage can be a festering problem that could infect the rest of your young marriage unless it is addressed.
Many women will NEVER FULLY get over a miscarriage until they have a child of their own. And just seeing another woman with children or pregnant can send them back into depression.
This is all just based on my own experience, so I could be wrong on alot of things here since I don't know you or your wife. But at least it may give you another perspective that you may have not considered before.
Best,
Paul [Winston.]
