Marriage Advice...

by Tuesday 59 Replies latest jw friends

Nosferatu

it must be something I've done in not washing the dishes the second I was asked, or cleaning the bedroom every night.

One thing I've learned is the key to having a clean house is keeping it clean. If each person does their part, doing a good houseclean shouldn't take more than a couple of hours a week. If each person puts things away after their done, cleans after they make a mess, the place remains clean. It also goes much faster when each member of the family pitches in.
Carrying the mess for two people not only multiplies the time it takes, but the burden one person carries. If it continues, it'll eventually get to the point where one person has no free time because they're doing the work of two people.
As far as going to the gym, do it. She knows you do it every Wednesday(?) night, correct? She should respect that you've taken that time to go down to the gym. My fiance has band practice every Monday and Friday night. I completely respect that committment she's made. She completely respects my committment to working every Friday night. It works both ways.
I guess I should just apologize for being uncaring and unsensative, oh yeah and asking other people advice. Yeah I'm a dick for trying to find out positive ways to change our marriage for the better before things get worse.
Okay, now you're beating yourself up. There's no way that you can relate to having a miscarriage. Your reaction isn't going to equal hers because you've never experienced it yourself, an you never will. The reaction you stated didn't sound insensitive at all.
Also, there's nothing wrong with asking for advice. You've got a lot of responses, and only you can make the final decision regarding what you'll do. I fully encourage anyone to ask for help when they feel stuck. If you're out of ideas, you need to get some more. Asking for advice is an excellent way to get more ideas. Don't beat yourself up over this. Don't deny yourself the need for help.
Nosferatu

One more thing I have to add, the only way I could see this possibly working is if the two of you spend some time apart. Take a bit of time to work on your self-confidence and self-esteem. It's also very true that being away makes the heart grow fonder (or something like that). Give her some time to miss you. That's the #1 reason why couples break up and get back together.
liquidsky

"when she's working at night then I'm not going to just sit home, that's dumb."
Maybe she would like to come home to a clean house. hint hint....
asleif_dufansdottir
I probably am on her last nerve, she brings her work home with her and it stresses her out, she was injured at work and now that's a court case that's going on.

OK,
She's had a miscarriage

She's overwhelmed at work

She was injured on the job and it turned into a court case

The house is a wreck

She's been married 8 months

Her new husband is bitching and complaining because she's not little Mary sunshine all the time
Good god, man, if she's not throwing cups at you and making holes in the wall while she's doing the dishes (which I believe I did during our first year of marriage, although he wasn't helping with the housework at all) then trust me, it could be worse. If she has never, during an argument, says that she wishes your parents had never met, she's probably holding back a little. I could be wrong, but the snapping and sniping sound like she'd like to cut loose on you, but is holding back. That never worked too well for me.
I completely understand stress makes people irritable.

OK, you 'understand' it, but how understanding about it are you? Especially Long term?
I also know while my account is of this morning, it's pretty much the way it is every morning.

Maybe she's just not a morning person. Maybe the thought of having to get up and go to work at a place she's in a lawsuit with is not especially cheerful, either.
I feel really stupid defending myself but I was just honestly asking for some advice from people who are married and have been for longer than myself.

Well, then don't whine about it if the advice is tough on you, instead of patting you on the head and saying "Oh poor baby, she sounds like a bitch, you're the innocent party." My husband and I have had some rough times in our marriage. We don't always get along, but we have always been determined to stay together. My grandma gave me 2 pieces of advice when we got married. Both are stellar:
Move as far away from both sets of parents as humanly possible

Don't complain to your family or friends when he does something that p*sses you off. You'll forgive and forget. They won't.
Maybe it is my fault for not crying about the miscarriage, it must be something I've done in not washing the dishes the second I was asked, or cleaning the bedroom every night. (sentence moved to below) I guess I should just apologize for being uncaring and unsensative, oh yeah and asking other people advice. Yeah I'm a dick for trying to find out positive ways to change our marriage for the better before things get worse.

Wah. Want a little cheese with that whine? Do you get all defensive and sarcastic with her immediately if she tells you something you don't want to hear? If you just want people to take your side, don't ask for advice, just go to the bar with your buddies and complain. I didn't say it was all your fault, but I don't think it's probably all hers either. Sometimes she's unpleasant to be around. I bet you are too, and you either don't realize it or excuse it. Most of us are like that.
I believe it probably is my fault for not bringing it up sooner but honestly how do you bring something like this up?

Oh, for god's sake! You can have sex with the woman but you can't just say to her, "I love you. We've been fighting alot lately. I'm really sorry things have been bad at work, and we've never really talked about the baby. I try to be supportive but it's hard, and sometimes I screw up. I can tell you're really angry at me. I want to get through this and have a good marriage. I know we can." ??? I will never cease to be amazed at people who act like talking about stuff is too hard. Yeah, it's hard. So get over it. Just open your mouth and say it. Either that or live in a messy house with a woman who's snapping at you all the time. Which is easier? Your call.
The posters who suggested a marriage counselor were giving good advice. Especially if you find it hard to talk to each other.
I have a cartoon on my fridge, that shows a guy asking an old couple how many years they've been happily married. They reply, "Two. 1957 and 1999." It doesn't have to be like that but it will be if you talk to other people about the problems in your marriage, instead of your wife.
Sara Annie

Well, asleif_dufansdottir said it a little more...umm...harshly perhaps than I did, but the spirit of what she has to say rings very true. It's good advice, Tuesday, if you can take it.
While I'm on the subject of which advice to take in this thread, I have to say that I was quite surprised by some of the responses to Tuesday's original plea. (Warning: this is the part where I'm going to say something I wasn't going to, but just can't help myself...)
I have a difficult time seeing how people who are not, or have never been, married can hand out such definitive advice about how someone else should handle their marriage. But, they may say, I have lived with someone/I have been in long term relationships with similar issues/I am engaged/etc., and that qualifies me to dole out marriage advice, after all it's pretty much the same, right?
Wrong. As much as you might think differently, a marriage is a different animal than a non-marital relationship. The very existence of the legal bond that exists between the two people involved--even down to the ceremony of public promises made before entering into it--creates a situation that is decidedly different in that the dissolution of the relationship is logistically and (yes, I'm going to say it) emotionally a more difficult process..
If I was seeking advice about my visit to France and asking for advice from people who lived there or who had been there as to what I should see or do, or what to avoid and someone said to me "I've never been to France, but I've read books about it and I have been to Quebec which is as close as you can get to experiencing French culture without actually going to France so you should do..." would I think their advice was sound and reliable? If I wanted advice about parenting, and someone said "I don't have any kids, but I have lots of nieces and nephews and they've done some of the same thing your child is doing and I would handle it by..." I would wonder how on earth they could hand out such definitive advice so cavalierly.
I hold myself to this same standard. For example: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a JW. My experience is peripheral through my family, and I have been affected by their policies and practices through them (see my profile for an explanation). I know a great deal about their practices, doctrines and history, but I do not know how it feels to actually be a witness or ex-witness. Hence, if someone asked other ex-witnesses for JW-related advice, I wouldn't be jumping up and down to hand out solutions to their problems.
I wish Tuesday luck in sifting through the responses and determining which advice to trust and follow.
asleif_dufansdottir

Well, asleif_dufansdottir said it a little more...umm...harshly perhaps than I did, but the spirit of what she has to say rings very true. It's good advice, Tuesday, if you can take it.

I can be a very kind, understanding, and gentle woman. Really. Honest.
I'm just a big fan of getting people's attention by telling them stuff straight. I can sugar-coat things and use the velvet covered baseball bat when necessary, but it takes longer. I consider it kind of a compliment to think that someone can hear something that might make them a bit uncomfortable, but they can deal with it like a grownup.
It kinda irritates me that he tells us all this stuff that makes her sound spoiled, bitchy and lazy, and then later, "Oh, by the way, miscarriage, hurt at work, lawsuit..." ...not that I think he did it on purpose, but it just points out how he's got a bit of tunnel vision on the situation (normal, we all do it).
Maverick

Well for what it's worth I will say that it is important to remember, learn to let small things slide. And 99% of the things you have discribed are in that category. Are the dishes dirty??? Wash them. Don't pick on her about how she is dressed. When she asks you about something like that, take her face in your hands, kiss her and tell her she would make plastic beads look like pearls! When she wants to make love...really work the girl over! Act like you will never be with her again! You said you would cherish her...so follow through with that vow!
This reminds me of a story I heard about this guy who hated his wife. He went to a Divorce Lawyer and told the guy how awful his wife was. The Lawyer told him if he really wanted to get even with the woman that for the next month he should be very sweet and thoughtful to her. Treat her like gold and get her to love you like crazy! Then after a month he should serve her with the divorce papers and that the shock would just kill her! The guy loved the idea and worked real hard at making his wife happy! Well, after a month the lawyer called the man about serving the papers to his wife! The man told him that his wife has completely changed, she nice and sweet to him and they get along great...no way does he want to divorce her! He told the lawyer to get lost!
My wife had a habit of taking all the towels out of all the bathrooms when she did the laundry or took a shower. Problem was she never put fresh towels back. I would put a towel in my bathroom, go get my clothes for the next day, hop in the shower and when I was getting out....no towel! Used to drive me crazy! So I CHANGED MY HABIT, I carried a towel in the bathroom when I walked in there to shower. Learn to ADJUST! Maverick...But don't listen to me I was only married for 15 years!
Nosferatu

If I was seeking advice about my visit to France and asking for advice from people who lived there or who had been there as to what I should see or do, or what to avoid and someone said to me "I've never been to France, but I've read books about it and I have been to Quebec which is as close as you can get to experiencing French culture without actually going to France so you should do..."
Sorry Sara Annie, but I think that's a bad comparison. It's more like going to France, except you have plane tickets that don't expire, rather than having no tickets at all. The experience is the same, but it's more difficult and costly to leave in one situation.
Whether you're married or living common-law, the experience is the same. You have to share the house, share the costs, see that person every day, put up with the others' shit, etc.
I didn't just date or get engaged to the person I was with, I lived common-law with them. Her name is still on the loan as a co-signer on the truck I'm still paying off. Even though I've never been officially married, there are things from my previous relationship that are still lingering - just like a divorce.I have no clue how long Tuesday's been in his relationship in total, but I lived in a situation very similar to his for 4 years. I'm only guessing that I've dealt with it longer than he has.
asleif_dufansdottir

hop in the shower and when I was getting out....no towel!

You could have just walked naked through the house, dripping wet...while her friends were over...and then said, with a shocked look on your face, "But honey, there were no towels! I can't help it!"
But don't listen to me I was only married for 15 years!

I don't get it, if what she said didn't apply to you, why did it irritate you?
Winston Smith :>D

I agree with Mav on his points.
Most of the things you describe here are in the category of ?small? things. They are not worth getting a divorce over.
If you can voice your opinions on things and discuss what the both of you can do to make the other happy, then there could be a surprising improvement.
FWIW, my wife and I used to fight a lot about cleaning the house. I like things clean. But we now have an understanding, and therefore; nobody holds any resentment over it.
One of our agreements is this: She does all of the cooking, and I do all of the cleaning in the Kitchen.
And I also clean the entire house, usually every week, because I like things clean. So another of our agreements is this: She leaves anything out that should be put away [shoes, clothes, hair magazines, pics, etc?] and I will put it away for her where I want it. And that place is one room that is her ?art? studio. The room typically looks like hell. But the house usually looks pretty nice. But if she can?t find something, she knows where to go look.
One of my shortfalls, I will NEVER go grocery shopping with her. I HATE it! I will help her bring in the grocery bags, but I won?t even put away the groceries with her. She has a place for all of the groceries, so I don?t mess with it. I have tried to help in the past, and we just end up getting pissed at each other cause ?I don?t do it right?. Which I understand, because I don?t want her putting dishes in the dishwasher cause she doesn?t do it the way I like it. And we?re cool with that.
It took us probably three years just to work out those few agreements.
Some things can be looked at from a fresh perspective.
I used to get so pissed off that she never, and I mean literally NEVER, replaces an empty toilet paper roll with a new roll.
One day we were with friends discussing little things that our mates do that get on our nerves. She said that she just loves to leave an empty roll on the dispenser because it was ?our little thing?. She had such a cute big grin on her face that was followed by a sweet giggle that just made me melt. It takes me two seconds to replace it, and if it seems like a fun little game to her to leave it for me to do, then I?m happy to bring such joy to her life. She still jokes around about it. She?ll take the last sheet right in front of me, then smile and grab a new roll and put it on the back of the toilet. All with a big grin on her face.
One last incident.
She leaves cabinet doors open in the Kitchen, in the bathroom, even on our bedroom dressers. I don?t get it, and never will. One day I walked into the Kitchen and literally EVERY CABINET DOOR was left wide open minus just one lone cabinet door.
I walked into the living room and told her that she had to come into the Kitchen now, quickly, it was an emergency!!! She ran into the Kitchen and asked what was up. I told her to there was a problem. I grinned and said:
?You forgot to leave one of the cabinet doors open!!!?
She laughed so hard! And after she was done laughing, she told me that she got the point and apologized and said she?ll try harder.
And don?t be fooled, she has put up with my own stupid stuff as well.
Hope it works out for the best Tuesday!

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