Do Abused Children Tend To Be Abusive Adults??? (page 5)

sassafrass

I completely agree with Big Tex. For one thing everyone has parents. My parents have parents their parents have parents so on and so on. If I blame my parents for how I turned out they can turn and blame their parents and the chain of blame can move upward into infinity without any final accountability. While there is no doubt we are affected by how we are treated as children when we reach the level that we are concious of how we are affected, then becomes our enigma as to what to do about it. I have to say I've been some of all three types that Tex described. My sisters and I have made a pact not to pass this "legacy" down to our children. Most of my siblings have decided not to have children. I have to admit there are times that I feel anger swell up inside me and I have to put all my effort into diffusing it. It scares me, there are lots of things I've said in anger that I can't take back. My upbringing also left me clueless as to how to have a functional relationship with the opposite sex as well as giving me a huge inferiority complex and social anxiety. My parents weren't bad people they just hadn't gotten a handle on how to cope with the things they'd endured themselves. Now it's in my hands. I know as time goes I will need more help with it and I will seek it out. I know I won't be perfect but I intend on straining of much of the nastiness out as I can so that what I may pass down will be smaller and so on and so forth...Parents. Someone has to take responsibility if anything is to change and we can't keep looking towards someone else to do it. Forgiveness is key so that you won't continue to pack it with you eventually dumping it off on someone else. Don't blame parents or use it as a crutch, Become who you are proud to be.

maybesbabies

Hell of a first post, my beautiful sister!!! And I would have to say that I agree with Sassafrass! You took the words right out of my mouth, and then wrote them better, lol!!!

Yes, as everyone has been saying, statiscally children from abusive situations are more likely to become abusive. My father beat my brother, he went on to be abusive. Its a behaviour you learn - you get like those you live with because you dont now how to do things any differently.

Victims of victims.............

beebee

I once read that we tend to marry someone like the strongest parent in the household. That held true for my brother and myself. My ex-husband is an alcoholic and abuser and my brother's wife is emotionally and verbally abusive (not sure there's any physical violence). Unfortunately the one trait he took from my dad is to put up with it because he committed to marriage for life. Our mother is the abuser.

What I've seen in our kids - I made a conscience choice to be different from my mother and was very active in parent education so I learned better ways to teach discipline than humiliation and violence. Of the two daughters I have from the marriage, one is timid and meak opting for passive aggressive moves to avoid her father's wrath and cowering. The other one is a foul mouthpiece (I guess part of that is being nearly 18) who bullies her younger siblings, though I have seen her occasionally hit a sib, I haven't seen anything that seems to be other than typical sibling stuff. The daughter who is abusive herself (though far less than her dad) has gotten noticibly worse since moving in with him a year and a half ago (not my idea but another long story).

I have the younger one working with a therapist to build her self esteem and develop constructive coping mechanisms. The older one I will be talking with soon, about how her current mannerisms are beginning to look like his. That might actually sink in because she hates her father so being like him is the last thing she wants. Perhaps that talk, combined with some therapy for her AND outgrowing the bitchy teens will help her.

My nephew is young, only 10 and a weak, wimpy little boy who can't go upstairs in his grandma's house alone to play computer. He isn't brave enough to go in his own backyard alone, let alone up the street a few houses by himself to play with a neighbor boy. I've never seen any evidence he is physically abused, nor have I witnessed any verbal abuse, and he doesn't seem to be afraid of either parent. I think he is overprotected from life and being raised to not stand on his own two feet, but that doesn't technically constitute abuse. I also think my sister-in-laws abuse of my brother is mostly the psychological kind - do what I want or you'll pay. My brother never discusses it at all but you can see that something is happening in the way he responds to things, and how he puts up with the embarrassing behavior she often displays in front of family.

The good thing is that my son has a different dad, a great and loving dad, and my current partner has a beautiful daughter and he is a gentle and loving partner and father, so my girls are seeing that there is a much better way. They say children learn by example, I guess all I can hope is that they learn from the BETTER example.

jgnat

I remember being surveyed to death when I was looking for help getting away from my abusive husband. They had a long list of risk factors I had to check off, such as alchol abuse, drug abuse, teen pregnancy, poverty, family background, etc. etc.

My theory is that there are a certain number of evil people in this world that need no excuse to be mean. They like to hurt others. I don't think any "risk factor" can explain such people. Governments can't use statistics to track these jerks down. If we could neatly locate the risk factors, and track down potential future abusers, we might have some hope of prevention. But I think a certain percentage of these evil people exist, is all.

Finally, every one can chose to be noble and rise above their raising. Look at Lady Lee, Big Tex, Blondie. Three of the kindest souls we will ever find. Beauty can blossom out of ashes.

Gill

The memories that I have as a little even tiny child always reminded me to be careful what I did and what went on in our home. Thankfully I married a good and kind man. However, I have memories seared into my brain, as I'm sure many do, of my parents fighting physically. My very first memory is of my mother and father in the kitchen. I must have been about two years old. I remember exactly what I was wearing and what they were wearing. I remember that Mum had bought the 'wrong' meat for dinner and dad was Angry. He had her around the throat trying to strangle her, and was pushing her towards the cellar steps. She had a large chopping knife in her hand and was trying to stab him to defend herself. I had been watching Batman. I ran at him and grabbed at his check jacket back flaps and was screaming 'No Daddy! No Daddy!' for a long long time. I know he stopped and looked at me still screaming. He sent me into the other room shouting at me.

I learnt from that first memory that little children remember everything. It taught me to be very careful.. It lies as a constant reminder to me how vulnerable small children are. Lots of other very unpleasant things happened to me as a child. I did not repeat bad behaviour except for shouting at the children when under severe stress. But I never acted as my parents. I learnt an important lesson from my experiences. I made a very SERIOUS choice never to act as they did.

So no, I think most abused children do not become abusive adults even though they have learnt the actions from their parents.

DazedAndConfused

Abused people do have the propensity to be abusers. What I understand, there are 2 types of people who come out of abuse.

1.) Those who abuse.

2.) Those who aspire to be non-abusers because of their own abuse.

There are many crossovers though in those who strive to be non-abusers. They do get confused about what is abuse and what is not. Others tend to be more lenient, thus causing another set of problems.

Xandria

* Stands up and cheers* Way to go Sis!

X. Of the I could not put it better class.

Do Abused Children Tend To Be Abusive Adults???