Newbies to screwbies, At what stag of recovery are you?

by jst2laws 69 Replies latest jw experiences

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  jst2laws

  Englishman,

  I think we all need to be careful that we don't write off our years as witnesses as being of no value.

  ALL our experiences count as being part of what we are today. I think we have to own our past and not be too negative and angry for too long.

  Excellent point. While I have regrets, I would not dare change anything in my past, even the 36 years inside the publishing corporation. That's why I posted the link above for Jgnat, http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/59766/1.ashx

  There, in my first post on the page I said:

  But all matters considered I do not mind being who I am, and who I am is the result of my total life experience, good and bad. What we have experienced in life contributes to our bank of wisdom and molds our perspective. To change one thing could change everything.

  Thanks for emphasizing that here, Mike.

  I hope others appreciate that perspective or at least consider it. Meanwhile most hopefully will recognize that the pain and confusion they are going through is just another part of this 'life experience' that will make us who we will be in the future, BETTER PEOPLE.

  BTW, what are you doing up so late, GO TO BED.

  Jst2laws
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  Mulan

  I think we all need to be careful that we don't write off our years as witnesses as being of no value.

  I agree with this too, but it is difficult at times when I think of the missed opportunities with our children, the athlete our second son wanted to be, and still is, but we wouldn't let him play organized sports. He was good too. They all would have done well in college and should have gone. These are the things that get me stirred up.

  On the other hand, two of the four kids wouldn't have met and married their mates. Everything would have turned out differently, and probably okay too, but we are happy with the way things are now.
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  logansrun

  I was "over" the deprogramming stage within a couple months of my exiting, although I basically knew it wasn't the "truth" when I left two years ago. I went through a long depression that I thought was over but seem to have relapsed into in the last couple of months, specifically the last couple of weeks. There's been a few triggers which have gotten me to think about the whold "JW thing" again.

  Honestly, I think there will be up's and down's for a few years to come. I don't think anyone who was raised a JW will ever totally get over it. I'm sure I will think about the JWs and what they stand for till the day I die. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, just a *thing*.

  Bradley
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  exjdub

  Jst2,

  What a great question.. and your statement that this is "to assure you that what you are experiencing is normal" is so true. It is normal, and I went through most of the stages you mention in one form or another. The one I remember the most is anger. The first stage was definitely anger. Anger at being duped, anger at the way I was treated for 36 years, angry especially at the way I was treated at the time I left. My anger was so intense that it consumed me. One of the things that helped my anger: I started working with a non-profit organization that worked with mentally handicapped people to secure jobs. After a while, after seeing people function with so many obstacles, I began to realize that my problems, although traumatic to me, were small compared to the people I was working with. I felt a bit selfish indulging my feelings after a while. But I have to say that it took about a year after I left the Org before I felt that way.

  I also went through depression. I had mixed emotions because, on the one hand I knew that it couldn't be the "Truth" because of the way I was treated and because of the lack of love...I knew the Org did not have the identifyng mark of love, but on the other hand, I had 36 years of indoctrination that told me that there was only one place to go and I was going to lose my life. Very confusing. I finally worked it out by realizing at the time that if I believed in Jehovah, and if I believed he could read hearts, then he could not possibly decide to kill me because he could read my heart and know that it was crushed and broken. (I am not sure how I feel about that anymore, but that is a discussion for another thread). What was important was to realize that I was not the bad person...They (WTBS) were the bad ones and they will have to answer for what they did to me and my family.

  I never did seek another religion. I had a bad taste in my mouth and realized that, at least for me, organized religion was full of hypocrisy and corruption and I wanted no part of it. I still feel that way. One of the things that resulted in escaping the Org is that I will never let anyone have that type of control or power over me again.

  After a few years the pain faded and I pursued life and began to enjoy my surroundings, which is something I could never do when I was in the Org because I was always sacrificing the life "in this system of things" for the "new system". MS responsibilities, meetings, service, personal study, etc.

  I am very content now and would not have my life any other way. I am involved with my neighbors, people honk their horns and wave when they drive by. I help the older ones in my neighborhood and make sure that I contribute to my community. I am a much kinder and gentler person than I ever was in the Org and I genuinely enjoy people. I do not have the haunting feelings of wondering whether the WTS "has it right" because I know from my knowledge of the scriptures that they can't possibly have it right. A good tree cannot produce rotten fruit... and all I ever saw in my 36 years in the Org was a lot of rotten fruitage.

  The important thing to remember is that life is a journey and you will always have bumps and bruises from mistreatment and bad things that happen. Be proud that you survived it. Realize that for every feeling of pain and anger, for every bump and bruise, you have learned much. I know I have! Peace.

  exjdub
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  codeblue

  Interesting topic!

  I do know I am NOT trying to find another religion. After being a baptized JW for 30 years, and doing all the research in the last year...I know there is NO true religion....

  I feel I have a relationship with our Creator and had one while I was a JW. No religion or imperfect men can take that away from me.

  Sometimes I feel upset, duped, that I lost my college scholarship when in high school, and a music scholarship as well. The subtlety of letting someone else make guidelines as to what is spiritual and not makes me feel upset that I didn't know how to view those boundaries. But raised as a JW were just didn't question anything because we were receiving "our food in the proper time"...

  I get depressed thinking that there are consequences to really letting my kids know what I have found out...but then when I was a JW I was very good at being humble and modest in what I told people so as not to cause a stir. But this one has me in fear of living near them.. and I would really like too, but I don't ever want to be shunned by them. .So I guess I am not over the FEAR factor...

  I have recently ordered Steve Hassan's 2 books, and hoping that will somehow help me. This board is a huge help as well as ones I have met in person.

  Of course, you and your wife have been a HUGE help...and we are looking forward to seeing you guys soon.

  CodeBlue
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  Dan-O

  Are you past these stages and have found happiness and contentment again?

  There ya go. Twenty years or so ago, I dove headfirst into pursuing a number of interests & diversions that took me far away from any anger or resentment. I moved on. These days, I hadn't given the j-w's much thought until I stumbled across this board several weeks ago.
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  jst2laws

  Mulan,

  Yes, what we did to the kids. . . . . but as you say the kids turned out OK.

  the athlete our second son wanted to be, and still is, but we wouldn't let him play organized sports. He was good too. They all would have done well in college and should have gone. These are the things that get me stirred up.

  Yes, but who knows what would have been the outcome. Let me quote Hillarystep:

  Sure I could have been the world's best Jazz guitarist and been signing Pat Metheny's autograph book for him, I may also have committed suicide at the lack of sales of my records...lol

  I have met your kids. Be proud, damit. You and BigRed did great.

  Logansrun,

  There's been a few triggers which have gotten me to think about the whold "JW thing" again.

  Yes, and sometime that will be a depressing "think" to contemplate. I'm sorry to hear you have had more trouble the last couple of weeks. As to your thought:

  I don't think anyone who was raised a JW will ever totally get over it.

  This is true if we agree on "get over it". We have lost a piece of our life. Like the loss of a child, spouse or parent, we will always be affected by this loss. But like that kind of loss it does not have to affect our daily life forever. We even get to the point that it is not so sad but we can even reflect happily on the good time we remember. HELL, I even reflect fondly of my years at Bethel, without guilt.

  But you are right that we never 'get over it' in that it is our life and we are a product of that experience and will never forget it. It will continue to affect us, but not always with the feelings of bitterness or regret.

  I hope you have better times soon,

  Jst2laws

  Jst2laws
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  jst2laws

  Hello exjdud,

  I started working with a non-profit organization that worked with mentally handicapped people to secure jobs. After a while, after seeing people function with so many obstacles, I began to realize that my problems, although traumatic to me, were small compared to the people I was working with. I felt a bit selfish indulging my feelings after a while. But I have to say that it took about a year after I left the Org before I felt that way.

  Now that is real. The Watchtower is not the worst religious/corporate fraud perpretated on humanity. It is simply the one that duped us. You made another point I would like to emphasize:

  I finally worked it out by realizing at the time that if I believed in Jehovah, and if I believed he could read hearts, then he could not possibly decide to kill me because he could read my heart and know that it was crushed and broken. (I am not sure how I feel about that anymore, but that is a discussion for another thread).

  Yes, that is good reasoning and good for anyone else at that stage. The stage you are at now is fine too, for you, but I'm glad you are sharing your developement for those now at the point you have come from.

  I am a much kinder and gentler person than I ever was in the Org and I genuinely enjoy people. I do not have the haunting feelings of wondering whether the WTS "has it right" because I know from my knowledge of the scriptures that they can't possibly have it right. A good tree cannot produce rotten fruit... and all I ever saw in my 36 years in the Org was a lot of rotten fruitage.

  My friend, you have it together. Thank you for contributing your experience.

  Jst2laws
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  bikerchic

  I guess you could put me in the "screwbies" class jst2 ! By the time I left I said "screw it, I'm outa here!" At what stage of recovery are you? I'm done, finished it's over! I'm here on this db for support of those who are exiting the B'org although I must admit in the beginning I did need the support of those here and am happy to have had this place to get it. Now I'm paying it back to whatever degree I can help and I hope I have in some small degree helped another, even if it's just one person whom I've impacted in anyway that's good enough for me. Are you angry? I would like to say no, but I do get angry when I read here what others have gone through and are going through at the hands of the WTS's policies. For myself I have worked through the anger and it's a must thing to do, not fun but you have to get angry, you have to own it, look at it and figure out the whys and the hows to get beyond it, period. Are you depressed? I was for years as a JW, sought therapy while still a JW and through much hard work and determination on my part beat it. By the time I left I had good tools to help myself when the doubts and disbeliefs surfaced, I would have to say more often than not I was troubled by a deep sadness but not depression. Are you yet desperately looking for the 'only true religion' to replace what you have lost? Absolutely not! I would rather cut my heart out with a dull knife than bother with any organized religion ever again! I haven't settled in my heart the whole concept of God and I am in no hurry to do so. Are you past these stages and have found happiness and contentment again? I was happy and content before I left and am still just as happy if not more so now that I'm in a happy marriage with my soul mate.

  angry that you were duped for so many years Yeah I wrestle with that one a bit, I hated being a JW from my youth on and wish I had followed my gut instincts and my Dad who wasn't ever a JW, but I won't waste energy on what could have been, I just deal with what is and what is is pretty good now. fearful that you have wasted your life in a farce or that your family and friends will shun you if you are caught thinking I must admit this is one area of concern for me, loosing contact with my elderly Mother and my very ill sister as well as my older sister who is an Elderette. If they ever knew....this is the part of the B'org I absolutely hate breaking up families! feeling hopeless, now that everything you thought was true seems to be a shame promoted by other duped people No I don't feel hopeless. I'm not responsible for what other people do nor are they for me, live and let live. There are a lot of things in life I don't agree with and a lot of things people do that I can't change, feeling hopeless would imply that I wanted to change them. I can only change me and how I view them, new picture on the screen.......... desperate to re-establish certainty in your life, not realizing that the only thing certain in life is disillusionment and change. The only thing I feel desperate about now is catching up financially all those retirement years of saving that I wasn't ever going to need.

  to share your feelings. Then I hope those who have "been there, done that" can share their experience so as to assure you that what you are experiencing and feeling is normal.

  Yeah it's normal and it's something you must go through to completely be done with it, you can't heal what you don't feel or face. Life is an adventure, seize the moments! Thanks Steve good thread! Kate
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  flower

  At what stage of recovery are you? Are you angry? Are you depressed? Are you yet desperately looking for the 'only true religion' to replace what you have lost? Are you past these stages and have found happiness and contentment again?

  I think I would say I am in the 'getting on with life' phase. Much less angry. Much less depressed. I think the anger and depression only surface when I start thinking about the magnitude of the scam, how blind the world is to how dangerous the organization is and the 'spell' that my family is under. I no longer search desperately for something spiritual to replace the life long spirituality I had. Although I recognize that 'something' is missing in my life, I realize now that I can fill that space with anything I want, it doesnt have to be religion. So I would say I am starting to move past these stages and onto the next stage. I dont know if I would call it 'happiness and contentment', since I have never felt that I wouldnt know, but I would say life is more enjoyable, less stressful, more purposeful than it ever was before.